Echoing love

The big news in our house is that Colin has moved into the boys' room and is sleeping in the crib. For the most part. He has been napping in his crib and spending the first part of the night there. But I have to admit, when he woke up at whatever time in the middle of the night last night, I just brought him back to bed.

I'm too spoiled now to sit in the rocking chair half asleep and try to get him back down.

Tonight, both boys were way wound up before bedtime. We had a very exciting day with a New Year's Eve party where we counted down to noon instead of midnight. And then we played Xbox and Wii together - it was a fun day that they obviously didn't want to end.

Christopher was in his bed, being pretty quiet, but not still. I was rocking and nursing Colin, but he kept biting me. Hard. He just didn't want to go to sleep and was having no part in my soothing songs and nuh-nuhs.

After a particularly painful chomp down and refusal to let go, I had to put him down and get up to take a break. I placed him in his crib and went to lay down next to Christopher.

Now, Christopher repeats a lot of what I say, and most of the time, I'm not proud of it. Lately, he's been saying, "Stop talking to me. I'm mad." Which, I don't mind the telling me that he is mad. It's the harshness of the "Stop talking to me," that bothers me - because I hate that I must sound like that to him.

But tonight, when I climbed into bed with him, he reached over and touched my face.

He said, "Don't be mad, Mama. He's just a baby. He didn't mean to hurt you."

Then, if he hadn't squeezed my heart hard enough, he says, "It's okay, sweetheart," and leans over to kiss my cheek.

And in that moment, I heard myself again, but in a much different light. I heard him echoing the love.

In a year that I have often felt like a failure as a mama - having little to no patience - yelling when I should be listening - jumping to anger when I should be looking for a way to teach - in the very end of this year -

My son echoed the love I show him.

Suddenly, I have high hopes for 2011.

Anniversary

"The depth of your grief is a measure of the love you have for your child. If there was no love, there would be nothing to grieve." 
~Louis Gamino on miscarriage

No one noticed what yesterday was. An anniversary for which there are no cards. A day that isn't for celebrating.

Four years ago, I lost my first baby. Suffered (and I mean suffered in the true sense of the word) a miscarriage.

And I survived. I survived that one and then two more before Colin was born.

I didn't know what kind of mama I would be back then. If you had asked me, I probably would have assumed that I would always keep working, my baby would sleep in his crib where he belonged, and cloth diapers would only be good for burp cloths. I would never have guessed that tonight, just a few weeks shy of his first birthday, would be Colin's very first night of sleeping in his own crib.

I didn't know I would be so attached.

Tonight, I sit thinking about that emptiness from four years ago. And I know that I'm blessed with two beautiful sons to whom I am very attached indeed.

Tonight, my heart aches not for the loss, but in the memory of how broken I felt. How devastating the loss was. How no one knew what to say to me or what to do for me. How I didn't know what to do for myself, except to pour my sorrow out here, on this blog.

In the ache though, I finally feel gratitude. Gratitude to my first baby who made me stronger. Taught me how to love blindly and completely. Helped my mama wings to sprout.

"The depth of your grief is a measure of the love you have for your child. If there was no love, there would be nothing to grieve."

One in four. That's an awful lot of us, you know. It's time it became alright to talk freely about it.

Songs from Christmas present

Somebody in our house was always making music this holiday season. It wasn't me or Kevin.

It was Christopher. And it was beautiful.

Songs from Christmas past

I'm not going to lie. 2010 has been a tough year.

Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough head out of the fog for me.

Kevin and I should have had a Christmas tune or eight to share with you. Our plan has always been to record together at night after the kids go to sleep.

It will happen. 2011 will be the year that it finally happens.

Until then, I'll link you to some posts from 2007. Old Christmas recordings from days gone by. Be forewarned, they are autostarting if you are using Chrome, and maybe other browsers. They didn't use to do that, but I'm not really in the mood to go back and figure out what has changed in the html code. If you don't want to hear, just don't clicky on the linky.

It's December, isn't it? There should be pictures of my trees up. I should be posting recipes. There should have been so much more going on here. Instead, I'm just funky. Just in a funk. So not like me for Christmas. It's the year we usually go see my family in Tennessee, and we aren't doing that (see above: not enough blah blah blah). I'm bummed.

But it will all be alright. Christmas is coming whether I'm in the mood for it or not. And it will be wonderful. Christopher has enough Christmas spirit for the entire city of Raleigh. I'm sure some of it will be rubbing off on me soon.

For now, I'll listen back to the days before children, when I had time to sit around and record Christmas songs just for fun. And put eight million vocals lines on them. Nothing like a big choir of me. Mwahahaha.

We Three Kings
What Child Is This

I love you, but I hate your dog

All in all, we are pretty fortunate. We have some fabulous neighbors.

There is the couple across the street who take care of our dogs when we go out of town. They save us hundreds of dollars and allow us to visit family when we might not be able to afford it otherwise.

There is the family across the street who ushered us into the social circle of young families in the neighborhood. They have been supportive and fun, sharing birthdays and holidays and lots of laughs with us.

Then there is the family next door to us. We love them too. The wife is from the Ukraine and the husband is from Mexico. They met in an English as a second language class, which I think is really cool. They have a beautiful teenage daughter whose best friend is their German Shepherd, Dutch.

When we moved in, there was a little chatter about Dutch and what an annoyance he was. But we are dog people, and appreciate a little understanding when our dogs are annoying, so we afforded the same tolerance towards Dutch.

He barks when someone walks past.

He barks when you pull in the driveway.

He barks when the mailman comes.

He barks when our dogs go outside.

He barks when a leaf falls off the tree.

Occasionally it has bothered me. In years past, it was just a "HEY! Look at me! I'm a dog! HEY HEY HEY!" bark. I can totally tune that out unless I'm doing something in the driveway, in which case, after about a half hour, it's really annoying, and I'll yell at him until someone comes to bring him inside.

Lately though, the barking has been more of a, "HEY! I hate you and your children! I'm going to take your fingers off if you stick them through that fence! HEY HEY HEY!" bark.

I don't like it at all.

Worse than the aggression though, is the timing of the barking.

Ever since we moved Christopher into his new room down the hall from us, he has been waking up around 5:00 in the morning. It's killing us. He used to sleep until about 8:00, and losing three hours of sleep seems to have turned him into Mr. Crankypants from hell.

He needs more sleep.

We've tried longer naps. We've tried putting him down earlier. It's not working.

Unfortunately, what we need is for Dutch to not be in our neighbor's backyard BARKING INCESSANTLY AT 5:00 FREAKING A.M.

I really like our neighbors. I do. But the dog is turning my child into a sleepless monster.

The neighbor behind us just calls the police to report the dog as a nuisance. I think that's a little over the top and incredibly passive aggressive. However, I'm not relishing the idea of having to go talk to them about it. I know they are sensitive to the issue (having had the cops called and all), and we've tried to be very understanding of it.

Maybe I should just start sending Christopher over to their house at 5:00 A.M. when Dutch starts in. Or better yet, I could send him at 8:00 when he turns into the most evil, sleepy two year old on the planet.

What would you do?

Co-sleeping in a too small bed

Our bed is getting smaller.

Colin takes up almost an equal third of our queen size bed, leaving Kevin retreating down the hall to sleep with Christopher or in Mallory's room when she is at her mom's house.

That's not my idea of a family bed. Not how I want co-sleeping to be.

However, we won't be buying a bigger bed. Soon, it will be Colin moving down the hall to sleep in Christopher's room. The crib has been moved, and Christopher is anxiously awaiting his new roommate.

But my heart. I go to bed and lay down next to my baby. He looks up at me through sleep glazed eyes and smiles. A little baby arm is tossed up onto my breast, and he closes his eyes again while sighing back to sleep.

I'm having a hard time letting go of that.

Fighting and living. Elizabeth Edwards

Yesterday, Elizabeth Edwards announced that she would not be treating her cancer any longer. I thought that she had reached a point of quality versus quantity, and while I was sad, I was hopeful that she would have a comfortable, albeit probably last, Christmas with her children.

Then, today, she died.

I know why the news in all seriousness took my breath away when I read it.

I personalized it way more than it should have been.

It was hard not to.

It is hard not to when you know that the days are coming when people you love are going to choose quality over quantity. When talk of not being here "when" works itself easily into a conversation, it's just hard not to be hit in the gut by what felt like a sudden passing of Elizabeth Edwards.

She fought for six years.

What I hate is that it seems like just yesterday that she received her diagnosis. I hate that.

She lived for six years.

When you say she "fought," it sounds like a long time. But when you say she "lived," it sounds like just a moment.

There is never enough time. It's always too soon.

My heart goes out to her children.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself - tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself - 30 days of truth

I can't possibly explain how much I don't want to do this. I'm distracted. The season finale of Sons of Anarchy is on. I'm going to see my best friend soon. There's laundry, cleaning, and I've had popcorn for dinner.


It's just not the day to write this letter. 


Things that I love about myself are few and far between lately. I don't say that fishing for reinforcement. I just mean - if I'm finishing the 30 Days of Truth? It ought to be truthful.


So I wait. I'll write the letter. Just not now. Let me get back to it.


In the meantime, I leave you with quite possibly the funniest thing you might read all day with apologies to my relatives who at this point should just put their fingers in their ears and start singing, "La la la la la."


I broke my nose last night. Moving from one compromising position to another. Awesome. Nothing like some wailing and a bloody nose to kill the mood. As Kevin likes to say, I am nothing if not a dainty, petite flower.


Happy NaPoBloMe month. I'm all done. If I don't post again for weeks, don't worry about me. I'm just catching up on all of the dang laundry I haven't done this month. Aw, who am I kidding? I've got Christmas trees to talk about, y'all!


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself and why - 30 days of truth

Oh boy, I almost missed this one. It's 11:35, and I'm just now thinking about it. I spent all of my computer time today trying to stretch our incredibly short dollars as thin as I could to put some presents under the tree for my family. Cyber Monday wasn't actually that great this year, but I managed to find a few things for a little cheaper than in the stores.


There are a lot of things I hope to change about myself, but the main one would be my ability to focus. I think it's rather obvious why I would want to change that. 


I tend to wander, and I would get so much more done if I could concentrate on one task from beginning to end. It drives Kevin crazy, I know. Because the result is that I unload and load the dishwasher, but I forget to run it. Or I bring in the dogs' bowls, but I forget to feed them. Or I transfer money into our account, but forget to click the oh so important CONFIRM button. He really hates that one.


If I could manage to put my yoga practice back into my life, I think that would help tremendously. Or maybe if I just had a schedule of things. Some kind of order - maybe then I could remember stuff and focus.


Maybe then I could possibly
This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? - 30 days of truth

Something that annoys me about myself is my need to state things in absolutes. Like a few months ago, I blogged about how Kevin and I were totally done having children. Our reasons are quite compelling, and I for one, am still pretty convinced that our decision will stick.


However.


And don't get your hopes up, Liz.


The other day, Kevin started a sentence with the words, "If we had another one . . ." and I swear I have no idea what he said after that because the "If we had another one" was too busy ringing in my ears.


So what if I was pregnant? 


It would be alright. We love our children. Kevin is an awesome father. Mallory is an amazing big sister. I love being a mama.

So, maybe.

Besides, sleep is over rated, and Kevin loves working. Which is good because IF we had another one, neither of us would sleep ever again, and he would have to work until he was 104.

But one more might not be a bad idea . . .

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 27 - What's the best thing you have going for you right now? - 30 days of truth

Let's be honest. I'm really not interesting enough to be doing 30 Days of Truth. I think four or five days of truth would have been sufficient. However, seeing as how we're so close to the end, I guess I'll power through.

Of course the answer to this is the same answer as my reason for living. My family. However, since we already know that, I'll give another answer.

I think the best thing I've got going for me are the new friends I've made since becoming a mama. Learning that friends come and go has been a hard thing for me. When the going doesn't coincide with the coming, it's even harder.

I've had a couple of friends go this year that were really difficult. There were no falling outs or fights, just fading. I don't like it. This time though, there were other friends that I had made who were right there. It made it so much easier to move on.

So you know who you are, I hope. The ones of you who have learned to put up with me. A couple of you live on my street, so I'm relieved that I'm not THAT neighbor. That you seem to like me alright. Then there's you who doesn't live as close, but dang if you aren't right near the coolest museum in the Triangle. And you, who want to move out of Raleigh for reasons that I completely understand, but I secretly hope that you'll not only not leave Raleigh, but move further in - as in on our street (see above mention of lovely people who would be your neighbors).

I'm thinking that new friends are what I have going for me right about now. New ones, and then old ones too. Like ones on the other end of a train ride. Ones I can't wait to see again.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? - 30 days of truth

I can't say honestly that I have. I have considered running out on life. Abandoning my responsibilities and hitting the road, but we know now that those thoughts come hand in hand with an urgent need to adjust the dosage of my SSRI.


I'll never forget one time when I was in high school, my dad and I were fighting, as we were so quick to do, and I said, "I wish I was dead." He replied with, "I'll get you a bottle of pills."


Makes him sound like a monster, and quite frankly, some days he was. He fought with me like a peer instead of a parent, and as quick as he was to anger - we fought a lot. 


He's not a monster though. What he said wasn't appropriate, and it didn't result in the expected jolt to reality that he probably intended. It just made me feel like he wished I was dead too.


It was a terrible feeling. 


It didn't last though, and Daddy didn't stay that way. The sad part is that shortly after he mellowed and changed was when he started getting sick. It's truly not fair.


What about you? I'm curious. What would it take to make you give up? Is there anything?


I don't think there is for me. Especially not now.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you are still alive today - 30 days of truth

Also appropriate for Thanksgiving Day.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs - 30 days of truth

I so don't have time to be doing this. I've been mulling it over all month now, and I wanted to make a detailed list and then actually compile it and give it to Mallory.

That hasn't happened. It's just too busy around here.

So, what I have instead are a list of the albums featuring female artists that I want her to listen to with me at some point. And no letter. Because really? Why would I write this in letter form? I'm not feeling that.

Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes and Under the Pink
Jonatha Brooke: Plumb, 10 Cent Wings, and Steady Pull
Julie Miller: Broken Things
Amy Grant: Lead Me On
Sundays: Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic
Sixpence None the Richer: This Beautiful Mess
Liz Phair: Exile in Guyville
The Cardigans: First Band on the Moon
Indigo Girls: Indigo Girls
Emmylou Harris: Wrecking Ball and Red Dirt Girl
Joni Mitchell: Court & Spark and Blue
Bjork: Debut
Sugarcubes: Stick Around for Joy
Sarah McLachlan: Touch, Solace, and Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
The Breeders: Last Splash
Juliana Hatfield: Hey Babe
The Story: Grace In Gravity and Angel in the House
Kathleen Edwards: Back to Me

Okay. I've got a table to set and some sleep to catch. That's all I got off the top of my head. I think that's a great start though.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life - 30 days of truth

I wish I had been braver.


I wish that I had not assumed that because a couple of girls in my class were mercilessly mean to me, that everyone hated me. I wish that I had trusted my old friends. I wish that I had been more open minded. I wish that I hadn't been so stoic. I wish that I hadn't been so defensive.


There is a large chunk of my life where I was friends with people I am no longer friends with. I think in one regard, that's normal. However, so many old friends have been reintroduced into my life - I can't help but feel a little regret that I veered from those friendships in the first place. I certainly wasn't moving on to greener pastures. That's for sure.


This isn't a great prompt for me. Someone who is trying to focus on living in the now. 


The more I thought about this one, the more I wanted to just type, "I wish I sucked less," but that's a little harsh, even for me. There is a little truth to it though. I do wish that I had been more successful for a longer period of time - at anything. There are things I did well, but I don't seem to have any staying power. I burn out. Move on. 


Maybe I wish I had been more gentle on myself along the way. Cut myself a break more often.


Maybe that just what I wish for the future.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life - 30 days of truth

So I'm copping out a little here. Just because I'm so tired of talking about ME this month, I could puke. So no soul bearing wishes here. Just an honest one.

I wish I hadn't played the flute. I hated the flute. I wanted to play the French horn. Or the cello. Or even the marimba.

But I wish I hadn't played the flute.

It's not a life shattering regret, mind you, but it fits the bill.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? - 30 days of truth

First, I pray.


Then, I go.


I've never had a hard time apologizing when I need to. I would apologize. And I would pray that she heard me and would be around to tell me what a jackhole I was the next day.


This was a weird prompt for me. I'm not really in the mood to pontificate over something fictional happening to my best friend. Call me grumpy.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol - 30 days of truth

My stars. How I love a lovely pepper tinged cocoa laced glass of Zinfindel. Or two. Or three. Or for crying out loud, who are we kidding, I was really more of a let's not waste a bottle of good wine by letting it sit on the counter kind of a gal.

So I don't do it. Drink, that is.

The truth is - and isn't that the point of this whole meme - that I think alcohol is - well - I guess I don't know. Because I've typed out five different endings to that sentence and deleted them all.

I think it's not for me. I'll just leave it at that.

And drugs? Holy cow. Not even going there.

I can honestly say that I'm a much better person clean, sober, and only medicated as directed by a doctor. 

Ahem. SSRI. God bless 'em. Ahem.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think about politics? - 30 days of truth

Many years ago, I was highly opinionated and quick to spout off my opinions whether you wanted to hear them or not. If I remember correctly, I was given the dubious honor of Best Lobbyist two years in a row at Youth Legislature. I was passionate about my causes and liked backing my almost manipulative persuasion up with hard cold facts.

It worked for awhile.

Somewhere along the way though, I got damaged. I don't know when or how exactly. There are a few events that stand out, but nothing that says, "POW. This is when your backbone broke."

Granted, I like the less abrasive, kindler, gentler me. I am far more likable now than I was 20 years ago, and I think that I'm far more reasonable as well.

So what do I think about religion? I think it's swell. I won't tell you that unless you ask. And even if you ask, I probably won't expand much.

I could easily just type out the Apostles Creed here to tell you what I believe, but I won't. I believe all of the things I learned in my church growing up except for one.

The one big thing that changed in my beliefs? The fact that I don't believe you are wrong if you believe something different from me. My vision of religion and faith is far bigger than it used to be, and most likely, it includes you, no matter what.

Politics? I think politics suck. I don't like 'em.

And that's that.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Between all the blogging, life still goes on

I love how Colin is giving turn signals in the cart.


While blogging my way through the 30 Days of Truth, I find myself having little time left to write about my actual life. My love life. My life loves.

Colin has teeth. Lots of teeth. He likes to bite me and laugh when I wince. It's not one of his more endearing qualities, except that when he laughs, the sky opens up and jellybeans fall down while choirs of bunnies sing scat songs. In other words, his laugh is awesome. Wicked funny, and a little bit weird. Kind of throaty. Heh heh like.

He's moving. Crawling. Trying his best to pull up, but the girth on that boy has him firmly rooted to the ground. I can't say that I'm all that sorry about that. He's already making straight shots to whatever he shouldn't have. Electrical cords. Dog bowls. Trash cans. Toilet brushes. Shoes. And all of it, everything he touches, goes right into the mouth. Nasty.

That boy loves his family. For a little bit, it was just, "that boy loves his mama." Now? He claps when Kevin walks in the door. He crawls around after Christopher like a little puppy. And Mallory is the only other person beside Mama and Daddy that Colin ever reaches out for. He started this special head bobbing thing just for her at the dinner table. She smiles at him, and then he cocks his head over to the side and "heh heh's" at her while looking so stinking adorable that you want to sell him on Etsy.

Christopher is about to grow again. Rather, is growing already. His pants are getting shorter and I'm letting the adjustable waists out weekly. He finally out grew his sneakers. We bought new ones three months ago because I was sure he was about to out grow his, but he didn't. He just plateaued right where he was for awhile. Now it's game on. Boyfriend is going to sprout, I'm afraid. Just please don't out grow your winter clothes, Bird. I can't afford to buy you new ones, and I like the ones you have already.

The main battle with Christopher right now is the dinner table. He just won't eat what I cook for dinner. I feel like I've tried everything, and what I really want to settle into is that it's not a battle. Just let go, Mama. But some nights I get so frustrated that he isn't going to eat anything again, and I know he will wake up in the morning and eat a huge breakfast, and I lose it. I mean what kid doesn't like sweet potatoes? He used to love them. He used to love lots of things. Which makes me think that it's not about taste at all. That it's either about power or it's about texture. I'm leaning more towards power. Whatever it is, I know it's a phase. Deep breath, and this too will pass.

The big news is that we got a new fence across the front of the backyard today. It's not pretty, but at least the dogs won't get out now. I swear that Setter wants a new family something awful. Our leather sofa just isn't good enough for her anymore. I can't say that I blame her really. I shave her myself now instead of letting her show coat grow out and get groomed. It is so beneath her.

There is more. A baptism has finally happened. My parents have been here. My brother even. But that is a post for another day. I'm still savoring the visit for myself.