Kids:0, Lewy bodies:1

All of the blogging issues aside, I should try to start writing about my time in California. It was quite the scene.

After the issue with the Nose, I boarded a plane and headed to Sacramento. GPS in hand, I rented a car and struck out for my parents' house with no warning from me. Guy did call Daddy that morning and told him, "Sir, I've just put my wife and your daughter on a plane to come see you." To that, Daddy chuckled and replied, "I wish you hadn't done that." Oh boy.

I took a piece of advice from my incredible sister-in-law and stopped at a grocery store. At the local BelAir, I purchased flour, sugar, eggs, vanilla, butter, and sour cream. I was stocked and ready to go with ingredients for a pound cake. When I pulled into the driveway of their house, my cell phone rang. It was Daddy. He wanted to know where I was. When I told him that I was in his driveway, all possibility of animosity melted away. He sounded just like my nephew when he said, "Really? You wouldn't tease me, would you?" I told him to come outside and met him at the end of the sidewalk with a big hug. The pound cake turned out to be secondary to just holding each other for 60 seconds.

As much as I would like to hit publish post right there and forget about it, I can't. That night, I got 90 minutes of sleep. Daddy was up and down all night long. He had accidents in the bathroom, needed his pj's changed, needed help getting in the bed, and needed me to remind him that Momma was in the hospital. The next morning, he was banging on my door at 6:00 AM to get up for the day and help him get dressed.

It is hard to shield your eyes from your naked father while trying to help him put on clean boxers. The dignity lost is from both of you, and I can honestly say that I wished I didn't ever have to do that and so did he.

There was an open wound on his leg. The open part was the size of a quarter. The infection spread to at least the circumference of a baseball. He insisted that it was not infection. I got a Q-tip and wiped off some of the puss to show him. He screamed at the pain, looked at the Q-tip and said that it didn't come from him. Oh boy.

He wouldn't let me take him to the doctor, but (if my ex-husband ever laughs at anything I say again, it will be this statement) he let me put Neosporin and a Band-aid on it. So I did. Twice a day. By the time I left it was beginning to grow some new healthy skin and had quit oozing through the Band-aid within the hour. Nasty.

The next day at the hospital, Daddy got lost trying to find the ICU where Momma was. He introduced me as his sister and told the nice lady that we were trying to find his mother. When the doctor came in the room, he fell asleep in the chair while the nice doctor explained that my mother would have to be moved to a nursing home for rehab. For those of you just joining us, my mother is only 65. Yep. 65.

At this point, we are going on about 40 hours of me being separated from Guy with about 90 minutes of sleep under my belt. I was not stellar.

The doctor pulled me into the hallway away from my father and asked if I had power of attorney for my parents. In my sleep and schmoopie deprived state, I just laughed. If I had known that there were power of attorney papers in the very room where I attempted to sleep the night before, things would have been very different. I explained to the doctor that my father was sick and he and my mother refused to accept the ramifications of that disease. Hell, they refuse to accept the actual disease and just call it Parkinson's. He would just have to try and communicate with them as best he could.

Sure, the doctor told us that Momma would have to go into a nursing home for rehab. Unfortunately, my daddy was asleep and drooling on a chair in the corner. The next day, he turned on me. It became my idea to separate them and to put Momma in a nursing home. I couldn't make him understand that she would come back to him once she was strong. I couldn't convince him that the doctor had talked openly in front of both of us and I just happened to be the one that remained awake. This started the children conspiracy theory. The theory in which his son and daughter were out to strip him of his dignity and keep our mother away from him.

This was the next day, when I had gotten just another 130 minutes of sleep that night. The week was not going to go well.

Advice of the day: Never suggest to your daddy who is only congnitavely challenged 90% of the time that he wear Depends to bed. I guaran-freaking-tee you that you will suggest it to him in the 10% of the time that he is all there. Sheesh.

The golden blogging rules

Updated below.

My dear friend at Toddler Planet emailed this morning. She always knows just what to say. I guess that is what happens when you have been friends for 20 years.

She sent me to a post by Dooce in which she talks about being outed by her brother to her parents. There is an accompanying newspaper article to go with it, and I have just read the whole thing with the same urgency that I guzzle my first Diet Coke of the day.

There was also an article in the News & Observer yesterday about blogging. After pondering all the information overnight, and now adding in the article about Dooce, I think what I find most helpful today is from Anton Zuiker. Mr. Zuiker basically said to blog unto others as you would have them blog unto you.

That has really got me thinking. Before, I was boldly spewing my feelings and opinions out through this keyboard. It didn't matter to me if what I said was nice or not, it was simply how I felt. If I play by those rules, then I really don't have any right to ever be upset with Guy's Ex for the things she says or writes about me.

I had this feeling that since she felt no shame or remorse in completely bashing me, fabricating all kinds of nonsense about me, and stalking me for over a year, that I had license to let loose on her through my anonymous blog. Am I the pot or the kettle?

The golden rule is a good one to follow I think. If I say that the things she says about me are not fair because she doesn't know me, then oops. All I know about her is what Guy has told me and what I have learned about her through the hundreds of voicemails she leaves at our house. I believe him of course, but from a larger perspective, it is not exactly a fair and accurate depiction.

All this to say, I guess I'm not so worried about anonymity today. Maybe tomorrow I will be. Today, I would like to just blog unto others.

Izzymom also had some rad blogging rules to follow here: Be good to yourself.

New name, new game

That's it. The old blog is in place. I did some editing and will work to remain more anonymous. Do not confuse anonymity with shame. Don't confuse me wanting anonymity equaling having something to hide.

I have nothing to hide.

In my blog though, I would like to be able to write openly and freely. I would like for it to be an outlet. A place that I can rant if I choose to rant. A place where I can discuss with myself the unpleasant conversation of what would be easier, for Momma or Daddy to die first. There are things that I don't want to share with my friends over coffee. I want to share them here. If I get too morbid, you can always click away from me and try again tomorrow. I have good days and bad days, just like you.

There is at least one person though, who wishes me harm. I think we all have at least one person in our lives that would choose to hurt us over choosing to turn away. For this person, I will remain anonymous.

Anonymity doesn't mean that you can't connect with other people I don't think. It also doesn't mean that you won't hurt the people you write about if they find out. It does mean though, that you won't know who I'm hurting if I rant. Anonymity for them as well. I suppose it's only fair in a world that is far from fair.

There is too much to write about my trip to CA and my parents right now. I've been reposting for about 3 hours, and I'm ready to put the pc to sleep.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

De-blogging was a sad thing. I started my blog in May 2006 in order to have a journal outlet to mainly talk about my parents. It was a hugely cathartic experience, and in the venture, I also found several bloggers who I enjoy reading. I had no idea there was this huge blogosphere out there.

Since May, I have gotten married, become a stepmom, watched my parents' health ride a fast and downward spiral, and had to do some major growing up of my own.

Along with my new marriage came a very unstable ex-wife. Last week, she found my blog and left a voicemail after each entry she read. Most of them were unintelligible screaming, but regardless, the message was clear. She was really mad. I guess I don't blame her on the one hand. Some of the things I had said about her were not nice. Warranted, but not nice. It never occurred to me that she would read it. It was my outlet. Had I wanted to hurt her, I would have just emailed her the posts and had her read them for herself.

The blog was anonymous. If you didn't know it existed and weren't part of the story, you would have no idea who these people I write about are. The one thing I did recently was to create a link to a real life blog about my mom, and I suppose that is how the Ex found it. It wasn't very smart on my end, but if the Ex had a hobby besides being my internet stalker then it wouldn't have mattered. She is always looking for information about me to have fodder to put me down to other people and compare herself. It is quite sad really. She is technically old enough to be my mother, but is really quite emotionally immature.

I tried not blogging for a bit. That wasn't fun. I got pent up. I wrote to one of the bloggers I really like and asked for advice. Zoot said to start again. So I return to the blogosphere, this time with new pseudonyms and no pictures of faces. I am going to repost all the old posts with the correct date on the post even though the blog date will be different.

Thanks to those of you who encouraged me to start again. Although I won't quote the name of the last blog just in case the Ex remembers it and searches for the phrase, but if you were with me before, then you know that it only makes sense to give it another go. Granddaddy would have agreed. Today is now tomorrow when I get to start again.

My mother was awake today. She was mostly coherent and able to carry on a conversation. I am so glad. When she was moved into her new room, the first thing she asked me was, "Do I get to see your ring?"

I had almost forgotten that I hadn't seen her since Guy and I ran off and got married.

Before she moved though, and in her ICU fog, she looked at me, who was there in person, and asked, "Is Bro coming?"

My brother. I was standing there with her and the second thing she asks is where my brother was. There are some people who would be offended I think. Me, I'm just glad she is still herself. She assumed I was there to take care of Daddy, and she was looking for her momma's boy. There is comfort in familiarity.

And he's coming on Thursday. Good boy.

Oh my dear god. I can't believe who I'm sitting next to at this very moment.

Her name is Elsie. No pseudonyms here, she is really Elsie. She is my dad's new home health care provider. I don't know if he will keep her or not, but if not, I'm going to try and get her to come to North Carolina.

I could not have asked for a more perfect person to come into my parents home and attempt to take care of the most proud man in the world. She is, and I kid you not, from Mississippi. Even though my dad tried to push her off on me and have nothing to do with her, it only took 90 seconds after I told him she was from Mississippi to have them sitting in the same room and chatting it up.

Thank god.

I still had to get him ready for bed and put on his pj's and such, but people, I'm getting ready to go to bed and sleep all night. For real.

In the past 72 hours, I have had about 4 hours of sleep. I'm at my physical and emotional wits end, and I'm so excited to be sitting next to Elsie. I wish you could meet her. She is my new most favorite person.

The exhaustion I feel is what my mother must have been feeling for the past two years. I am a wimp compared to her.

Today my mother woke up. One of the first things she said to us when we got to the hospital was, "How do I get out of here." Rock on, Reverend Mother. Rock on.

I was so excited to hear her want to get out. Want to not be sick anymore. That was before the tears started.

I had to ask, when Daddy left the room, I had to ask, "Momma, can you tell me why you are crying?"

She opened her eyes and said, "I'm tired of fighting. I wanted so much for you and Bro, but I'm tired of fighting, and I need to go now."

I asked her what she could possibly give us that she hadn't already given, and she said,

"Memories."

What in god's name do you say to that? Has she been sneaking onto my blog, into my brain, and knows that what I mourn now, before her death, are the memories that won't be made. I sob when I think of how Lovely won't get to know her. I weep when I think about going through pregnancy without her. And I completely shut down when I consider the fact that she won't be here to baptize any of my babies like she has my nieces and nephews.

Or then, there is the explanation that she really is my momma. My nearest and dearest. Not a best friend, because she is, more importantly, a momma. You can't be both, you know. But she knows me better than anyone else. And she hit the nail on the head with,

"Memories."

I've got to get out of the future. There is plenty I won't be able to share with my momma. But if I'm 100% honest with myself, I have to remember that I should have lost her when I was 7 and she battled late-stage breast cancer. So I have 26 years of memories that she fought her ass off to give me.

Thank you, Momma. No matter what, I promise that I will stop being angry that I will lose you soon. Thank you for staying as long as you did. I do not take that for granted. I'm sorry that it only made me want to have you forever.

My brother and I made a pact. We would not go to California unless it was going to produce final results. We would take care of everything over the phone, staying in complete contact with each other and standing together on all decisions. So why am I in California all alone?

Guy and I cancelled our vacation to stay in TN with my brother so that he and I could make a plan. Implement a plan. Stand firm. Mom and Dad needed home health care months ago. Even before Mom's diagnosis and chemo. We told them this repeatedly. They declined to do anything about it.

Dad doesn't sleep well at night. I'm one to talk, but that's another story. He gets up during the night, but then he can't get back down. The bed is too tall. My mother loves the bed and the hand knotted canopy that hangs above it. Which itself is probably dust and germ laden, and I could go on, but you get the point I'm sure.

There are things about their lives that they have been unwilling to change. Can I blame them really? They aren't supposed to have to yet. They aren't supposed to be old.

This past week, Bro and I made great strides with Dad. We even got him to agree to home health care overnight for himself. Then there was the Nose.

The Nose is a "friend" of my parents. She presented herself to me during this episode of the soap opera that is my parents' life by calling to ask me for my aunt's phone number. "You know, the one who lives in Georgia?"

Yes, I know my aunt that lives in Georgia, thank you. No, you may not have her phone number. She is my aunt, I'll call her. Why are you trying to call our family members anyway?

Turns out, she's been calling my parents' friends back in Mississippi, talking to doctors, nurses, and basically deciding that she was in charge of this family.

Wrong. She made a big mistake Saturday. Bro and I had asked the one person that we both trust to be at the meeting with Daddy and the home health lady. The Nose called and said she was going to be staying with my dad anyway, so why didn't she just tell our person not to come. I said fine. I thought it was fine. We only wanted there to be an extra set of ears so that they could help Dad remember what was said.

Only the Nose took it upon herself to say to the home health person, "He has a lot of his plate right now," and "We really have this under control, you know. He is going to come and stay with us at our house."

WHAT????? I specifically told the Nose earlier in the week that Daddy needed to be at home. Staying in other houses is terrible on him. He falls. He gets confused. He doesn't rest. It is not an option. And there she was, completely sabotaging every effort Bro and I had made. Every bit of progress. Daddy sent the home health people away. All because of the Nose.

The kicker is that I told the Nose that she was only to listen, and that we needed to make sure that she was going to support this decision if she was to be present. Looking back, I realize what she said was this, "I agree that someone needs to be with your dad at night."

Manipulative bitch.

By the way, I ripped her a new one over the phone and then got in lots of trouble with my dad. I actually was quite pleased that he was lucid enough to be completely and totally pissed at me and tell me to apologize. So pleased that I actually did apologize to the Nose. I apologized for the tone of voice that I used and then stated that I didn't apologize for anything I said, which included several "how dare you's" and "what gives you the right's" and "you are to keep your opinions and control issues out of our family's."

Is there a point? Yes, a couple.

I'm now in California. Yesterday, I spent 12 hours in a car driving across I-40 to get home. Then, the Nose caused me to have to get on a plane less than 12 hours after I got home and fly across the country to try and salvage what little progress we had made with Dad in the past week. Plus, I thought I had better get my sorry ass out here and make him a pound cake before he decided to hold a marathon grudge against me for putting the Nose in her place and thereby embarrassing him in the process.

The second point is a really just a thought. Someone else from my mom's church tried to explain the Nose's inappropriate behavior by telling me how much she loved my parents and that it scared her to see them slipping away. Therefore, the control freak in her came out and took over.

Am I the only one that is appalled by this? She is scared of losing them? Aren't they my parents? Hasn't she known them for 7 years to my 33? Am I supposed to care? Am I supposed to help her feel better by letting her run the show? Ummmm, NO.

Then it hit me. When my parents die, or when just one of them dies, all the needy people they collected in their lives are going to come to me and suck me dry. It hit me that when my grandfather died, I couldn't stand to be in the room with all those sad people. Visitation was torture. I wanted to be sad, and I didn't want anyone else being sad around me, making me feel like I had to make them feel better. I don't know how I'm going to deal with my parents' funerals. I've got to get a handle on that, because it can't be a repeat of Granddaddy's funeral. That was just a disaster, but good material to write about someday.

Lucky for me, there was no grudge. He was happy to see me and I was happy to see him. I don't know what will happen this week, but I know that Bro and I have now taken back control of our family and we ain't ever letting it slip away again. They are our parents. We love them, and we will take care of them. So there.

I sit now feeling old. I sit with an ice pack on my right ankle, a welt on my left knee, my right wrist is swollen, and my left shoulder aches.

When you are an adult, you fall further and harder on skates. No matter how fast and smooth you can skate on your own, if a flailing 6 year old pulls you down 3 times on roller skates, you will hurt.

And I do.

Ouch.

And it was fun. Great big loads of fun.

So a big hell yeah goes to Zoot. Miss Zoot has a very enjoyable blog. I don't remember how I found her, but I'm sure it was through a blog roll. She was blogging about Blingo and I signed up as one of her Blingo friends. Now I'm officially a blog stalker I guess.

She also is a way cool designer. There are multiple blog designs that she lets you download for free. I'm trying to decide what to send her. Money or baked goods. I think money would be far less scary, but I don't know how much? Too little would be insulting and too much would again, be scary.

So for now, thanks to Zoot. My blog envy is on the way to being culled. Now I just have to learn what to do with all the links above and to the side. I'll get there.

I have learned a valuable lesson. If you put your only child in a house with four children ages 9 months to 10 years who all attend school and/or day care, the only child will soon get sick.

After a trip to the urgent care and then to the local Kroger pharmacy where the pharmacist took it upon himself to alter the prescription to read "substitute" and give us a generic drug, we have a Lovely without clouds.

Even with all the snot, Lovely has announced that Guy and I are boring. I have never been so happy to be boring. I was beginning to think that she was just an adult trapped in the body of a 10 year old. This week I have discovered that in fact, she is a normal 10 year old. She enjoys bowling with other kids, playing video games with other kids, and all sorts of normal kid things. She only hangs out with us 24/7 because there are no kids to play with.

Tonight, we are taking them skating. Guy and I are supposed to stay out of the way and let her be a kid with her cousins. I make no promises. I am a mad woman on skates.

The past week has been hell on earth. Momma is in the ICU on a ventilator. The people from her church have let her down. They have been completely hypocritical.

For over a year, my brother and I have been trying to get help for my parents in their home. They have pushed it away over and over again. Every time my mother goes in the hospital, the church folk ask us what we need. We always say, "Someone please stay with my father." Then he sends them away, saying that he doesn't need help. They turn around, go home, and think they've done their churchly duty.

This week has been different.

The Reverend Mother is gone. She is out of commission. She is on a ventilator, and those people who go to see my mother, instead see my father, shaking in the corner, unable to form a sentence.

They decided to listen to us. They decided to stay with my father all night. Then they decided to begin to call my brother and myself and tell us how much we needed to come out there and stay with my father.

We said no.

No.

No.

No.

Thanks for keeping them out there for so long that now she has the possibility of dying across the country from us. So sorry that my father kept you up all night and peed on your floor while trying to get to your bathroom.

We told you. I came to you. I went multiple times and bared my soul, telling you that my father was weak and needed help.

You decided instead of listening to me and realizing that it was HARD to admit that my father, my daddy, the lawyer, the kicker-of-ass in the courtroom, NEEDED help to get to the bathroom at night, that it was okay to dismiss me.

Now, you issue me a deadline. You tell me that it is too hard to find people to stay with my dad at night. They are too tired in the morning. He can't make it to the bathroom. He is confused and disoriented at night. You tell me that I have to find someone by tomorrow night.

Screw you.

So I thought about going back to church one time. I went. The air conditioner was broken. People I didn't know tried to hug me. We sang insincere songs about Jesus being my boyfriend. It sucked.

Then, these lovely church people at my parents church are as supportive as their Bissell steam cleaner will take them. So my daddy pees on himself at night. No shit. We have been telling you that for months.

Now, you have to deal with it.

We are coming to move them. No sooner. We are not coming to wipe up after him. We are only coming to move them. You will have to step up and deal with them until then.

Good luck. You will need it. We have tried everything but luck, and every time, we come up short.

Tonight, I sat and listened to my brother try to convince my father to call his doctor and order his own home health care. Please, Daddy, call your doctor and admit to him that you need someone to stay with you so that you can get up in the night and make it to the bathroom in time. No, Daddy, we still respect you. Yes, Daddy, we want you to still have your dignity.

We are so sorry, church folk, that you have had to clean up piss. I would give anything to have him close enough to me to clean up his piss. Why don't you get a life? Leave my parents alone and let them go. You obviously can't handle it. We can.

I'm ready for people to actually help me help them instead of running around talking about helping them.

I'm so tired.

Oh, and by the way, I'm on "vacation" this week. Translated, I cancelled all plans and am hanging out at my brother's house trying to be an adult and make plans for my parents who haven't transferred power of attorney to us.

I'm so tired.

My mother has had a fever for at least 5 weeks now. Today, on the phone, I actually heard her cough. Then I actually thought to myself, "my mother is going to die."

There is some sort of infection. Instead of thinking in terms of how to kick it, she is thinking in terms of how to stay out of the hospital because Daddy can't handle it. She will die if she doesn't beat the infection. She will either die of the infection, or she will die of cancer because they have ceased giving her chemo until she is "well."

Ironic, no?

In the midst of this, they have purchased a house in Jackson, Tennessee, that is right around the corner from my brother. Tonight, on the phone, he said something about how I was lucky that they weren't going to be my neighbors. I laughed. I laughed to keep the peace because I will be at his house for a visit in less than 72 hours. I will be bringing my new husband and stepdaughter to meet him for the first time in less than 72 hours. Considering that yelling is his soft mode of communication, peace is good.

This is why I blog.

Screw him. I'm lucky? I'm lucky they won't be my neighbors? I spent weeks of my time researching places for them to live, doctors for them to see, and I FREAKING QUIT MY JOB so that I could take care of them and the rest of my family, and I'm lucky? Oh my sweet lord. I could chuck this pc across the room right now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, everyone continues to make pretty steps towards the big move to Jackson, and all I have to say tonight is this:

I do not believe that my mother will make it to Christmas. They have already started hanging the wreaths Downtown, and I don't believe my mother will make it to Christmas.

Suck ass. Suck complete and utter ass. Oh, and ho, ho, fucking ho.

It's 11:15 PM. Lovely and I are still up. She's reading Harry Potter and I'm, well, I'm doing this. Guy was supposed to be home from a meeting at 10:00 PM. This is the first night that I've been in charge.

I picked Lovely up from school today. In all honesty, I tried to pick her up from the middle school. That didn't work out so well since she is in the 5th grade and doesn't go to the middle school. When I arrived at the appropriate school finally, they didn't want me to have her because I wasn't on "the list." Admirable, but slightly annoying since we now share the same last name and address as indicated on my driver's license which they did ask to see.

So who was on "the list?" The Ex was of course. Papa. The Ex’s friend. And a couple of other people I've never heard of. Emergency contacts? Not Guy. Just his Ex's friend. The friend who decided it was a good idea to waltz into our yard uninvited and walk menacingly around Guy’s new convertible. The friend who then decided it was a good idea not to get off the property when asked nicely, but rather to get in Guy’s face and ask, "What is wrong with you?"

God, I live on Jerry Springer some days. Please just don't let me wake up in a trailer next to my 1st cousin.

Anyway, I did get to leave with Lovely. It was awesome. When she came down the hall and saw me - she did a full body grin. I swear. It was the coolest. So then I took her to Justice and bought her $300 worth of clothes.

Crappy stepmom.

Granted, she needed clothes so, I bought her some clothes.

Jeez I can't lie. I bought her a lot of clothes. Including a smooth leather(ish) jacket and little plaid skirt that basically says, "I may be 10, but I rock out and kick ass." All she needs now is boots.

Then, I stopped at a fast food restaurant and bought her a "Bo-Berry Biscuit." I think it's a Southern thing. They take a perfectly good biscuit, put fake blueberries all in it, drizzle, and by drizzle, I mean drown it in sugary icing and sell it to crappy stepmoms like myself. Paired with sweet tea, you have enough calories and caffeine to keep the child up to 11:26 PM.

I should so put her to bed. She's reading though, and when I met her, she hated to read. I was so sad. I bought her Judy Blume books for her birthday, The Incredible Journey, and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I wanted her to love to read. So, now, I'm supposed to stop her?

Crappy stepmom.

Now I find myself going back on my word that she could just get ready for bed and then wait up for her dad. I so do not want to have to put this child to bed and have her not get to see her dad tonight. What is my freaking problem?

Oh, and I don't know what "best friend charms" are. I suck. Someone please help.

The thing that sucks most about having a distorted body image it that when you are thin, you don't appreciate it.

One of my personal goals is that before I get pregnant, I want to be okay with my body. For once in my life, I would like to look in the mirror and like what I see. The ironic part is that I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life and trying to accomplish this while attempting to lose about 15 pounds.

Trying to diet and tell yourself, "You're okay," at the same time is pretty funny. I'm eating 300 calorie lunches while staring at my body in the morning trying to become comfortable with my new 30 something shape. It's like some sort of cruel joke.

I don't need to look like a supermodel. I've outgrown thinking I need to be 5'8" and 130 pounds. I would like to keep the muffin top to a minimum and still be comfortable in a swimsuit. Surely I can get my twisted mind around that without going all freaking anorexic.

And if I make it to my weight goal, am I going to appreciate it this time? Will I be able to look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl. You look good." or will I just see the residual love handles?

The one thing I've never read about eating disorders is that physical problems aside, they leave a scar on your body image that seems to never go away. Even though I understand how unhealthy being anorexic is, I still don't think I ever looked thin. I was 5'8" and 105 pounds before I got help. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't think, and don't remember myself, as being thin. Getting over the disorder in order to eat is one thing. Restructuring your thinking into seeing yourself as a normal person is quite another.

What I would like is to just like me. Now and 20 pounds from now in either direction.

Every morning, Guy wakes me up the same way. He pulls my head over onto his chest, starts stroking my hair, and says, "So do you still like being Mrs. Guy?" To which I nuzzle in closer and nod "yes" with all the nodding I can muster while still in the 30 minute process of waking up.

You see, I am what Guy calls a "grumpykins." I do not wake up well in the mornings. Since getting to wake up next to him, it is better. His daily question does have a lovely way of making me smile first thing in the morning, and smiling first thing in the morning tends to make the rest of your day easier to bear.

I've been working in charity for almost 6 years now. The music school that I run is a non-profit organization that gives music lessons to children from low-income families for $1 per week. It is a service, or a charity. The lessons cost the school $26 each, so essentially, every half-hour of operation, there is another $25 to make up in grants and donations.

This past week, I've been reconsidering the purpose and value of charity. I even thought that I might be turning into a Republican. Lest I lose a reader right here and now, at the end, I decide that I'm not.

What I decided was that there are 2 types of charity.

There is charity that believes the recipient is less fortunate and somehow beneath the giver. It is out of the giver's kindness and general superdooperness that this unfortunate soul will be lifted up out of its misery.

Then there is the charity that believes that the recipient is equal to the giver and therefore deserves the help being given so that the two might have a chance at the same opportunities in life.

After serving my community for almost 6 years, watching my first marriage crumble as I spent 50 plus hours a week at this part-time job, and more than doubling the school's services and annual budget, I was called a racist last week.

The short story is I had to write a disciplinary letter to a parent who was completely out of line with one of our faculty members. I don't like to do it, but teachers can be hard to keep, and I have to stand behind them when they are mistreated.

The parent responded with a handful of letters to me, the Board President, and the city arts commission. She had her venting opportunity, and I think that will be the end of it. I certainly don't send disciplinary letters without support and approval of the Executive Committee, so it's not like I just flew one off the handle and sent it for kicks. They were aware, informed, and in agreement.

The point is that she declared that the school and myself were a bunch of racists. She said that she had noticed at recitals that the black children were given less challenging pieces than the white children. Never mind that I can't think of a single white child in the program who is an advanced student. There are some intermediate and advanced Latinos and Asian Indians, but since they are not black, I guess that makes them white.

She stated that I always try to make them grateful and if they are some sort of charity.

Um. Sorry to point this out, but you are. I remind people who supports us, and yes, I expect everyone at the school to be grateful. That includes me, the families, the teachers, and the Board. When people give you things, you say thank you.

So I went around and around about how that made me feel. The first stop was at the misconception that all my work was futile and I should never have left the deep South where I was never surprised when someone randomly called me a racist for no bloody reason. I thought I was stupid for trying to be a private school educated white woman running an organization that serves mostly African American students. Who was I to think that I could do that without being considered a uppity racist trying to help the poor black children.

After a few more stops at self pity, more anger, and the one that I almost declared Republican at, I found myself at the stop of, "This is not my issue."

Not once have I ever thought that I was helping the poor black children until this woman suggested it to me. It has been and will continue to be my stance that every child deserves a music education, not just those whose families have expendable income with which to provide it. I do not care what color you are, where you came from, or why you don't have enough money to provide it. The children deserve it because they are just like all the other children.

So next time you write a check to a charity, stop and think why you are writing it. Are you writing it because you want to help fellow human beings and try to make the human playing field a little more even whenever you can? Or is there some other reason that you feel the need to write that check?

Pity is cheap to pay in but expensive to pay out. Compassion is a much better bargain.

Deborah commented to me today that Lovely seemed to be adjusting remarkably well to her new family construction. I agreed and tossed in how I knew that we would hit our rough spots and I was ready for it and I would be patient, yah, yah, blah. Deborah said that things might happen and they might not. "I never got the stepmom thing from my kids," she said.

That's probably because she just called them "her" kids. She accepted them right away and loved them for who they were, where they were, and whatever they were to become.

As much as I am learning to love her, I have yet to do that with Lovely. Right now, she still feels like someone else's child. Guy has already jumped right in and introduces me and "our daughter" to people like I'm the one who gave birth to her. It makes me a little uneasy; like someone is going to point and yell, "Fraud!"

Fraud is a fear of mine. For whatever reason, I have always felt like I'm just getting by in whatever I'm doing. I don't know if it is because I never planned to be a piano teacher and I never planned to be an arts administrator, or if it is some other misfiring in my brain. I swear, I'm standing in the White House, receiving an award for the school that I run, Laura freaking Bush is shaking my hand and I'm thinking, "Why am I here, and how can I keep them from finding out that it shouldn't be me?"

I would love to start taking piano lessons again myself. There are so many things that I want to learn: better technique, how to really play jazz, and a breadth of literature that I know I missed out on in my younger years. So far, what stops me from starting is fear of fraud. My students place in so many competitions that I have developed this reputation in the area as being a kickass teacher. Why then do I still feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants? If I were to sign up for lessons, then someone in my own profession would find out how very little I know and how very little I can play of the standard classical repertoire, and I would be found out as a fraud.

So I go about my days, doing the best that I can and praying that no one finds out that I am less than I seem. Stated that way, I think maybe I could use therapy. Of course, that would mean actually talking to someone, and having them find out that in fact, I am less put together than I seem. Just a big fraud.

Although I would be delighted if a giant cookie rolled out of that truck, it is in fact, something much much better.

Thanks to some really strong guys and pretty ingenious piano moving tools, I am now the proud owner of a 6'4" Mason & Hamlin grand piano.

The joy comes not just in playing it, hearing it played, and sitting staring at it praying it doesn't vanish out of my imagination - there is joy in the feeling of validation.

I am a pianist. A musician. A singer. A composer. A teacher. And now, I have an instrument that makes me feel valid. Like I'm doing this for real.

It's like a computer programmer using a Commodore 64 to program, or if Emeril was cooking in the woods over an open fire. Most professions require certain tools specific to that profession. Mine is no different.

In a month, I lose my title of Executive Director. Now, it doesn't bother me quite as much.

I am a musician.

Thank you, Guy.

Update below.

There is not an accurate way to describe dealing with Guy’s ex-wife. This is supposed to be a journal, and thereby assumed to be the truth, but if I began detailing the actions of Ex, no one would believe me.

Since my parents are on hiatus from impending doom at the moment though, I thought I would give it a shot.

Voicemails from Ex start a few different ways. The most frequent is a sickeningly sweet voice, like a 1-900 number has dialed us up by mistake, saying "Hellooo, (enter stupid pet name here), this is your number one wife FOREVER calling . . .blah blah blah."

Then we have the, "Why don't you both start cheating on each other now so we can get this temporary marriage over with? blah blah blah."

Occasionally, we get one that is so insane that we cannot understand what she is saying. It is banshee shrieking by someone and difficult to translate.

She likes to tell us that our marriage is temporary. I am still a mistress (which would be a different story if I ever was one to begin with). There is no combating her either. When you answer the phone, she starts in with her questions that never end long enough to say, "shut up." "Quit calling." "None of your business." She literally does. not. quit. yelling. It is the most insane behavior I have ever seen. There are no boundaries with Ex. Even though I have never even met her, she feels the absolute right to demean me, discuss me, stalk me, google me, scream at me over the phone, and attempt to bully me into not being with her ex-husband. Number one wife, forevah.

There is humor to this. She is usually a good source of laughter for Guy and me. Not because we are unusually cruel, but because she is unusually unrelenting. There is also sadness though. The other 50% of the time, Lovely is with her. Lovely gets screamed at and told that she is a traitor for liking me. I have told her to throw me under the truck, please, just throw me under the truck. Just tell her you hate me and I'm evil, and I smell funny too. Lovely just looks at me and says, "It's not right to lie."

Unbelievable. Today, as we stood side by side looking out the upstairs window waiting with our breath drawn for Ex to arrive and pick her up, I told her, "You are amazing." She just said, "Thanks." There was no explanation needed. So if I'm the big bad stepmonster and all around evil mistress, why then did I just have to pry Lovely's arms from around me and dry her tears so that she could go with her mother this afternoon?

Crazy is as crazy does. I choose not to fight back, but to remain silent and pick up the pieces every time that Ex breaks them down. This is my family, and I love them. Bring it on. I'm ready to just stand here, take it, and shield your own daughter from as much of the negativity as I can.

It seems that Ex will continue to look for me and whatever information she can on the internet. Therefore, I will not post about her anymore. I debated on reposting this, and I did edit it. It's best not to issue judgements I suppose, and from now on, there will not be any new posts about her specifically. Trust me though, you won't be missing much.

Belk is a very Southern department store. In Mississippi, I would equate it to McRae's. You go there to register for your china, crystal, towels, and stainless flatware. Sterling silver was registered at the locally owned Judy Martin's.

I have a Belk card. I love it because they do a nifty 30-60-90 program with no interest so I can do some shopping and pay for it in 3 neat payments and be done. Fabulous. If only I can find something I want to wear. Often times, they have great sales because the stuff I like is usually stuff that has been left behind by the women 20 years older than me who typically shop there. A great Calvin Klein silk skirt marked down to $25 makes my day.

So I called Belk today to change my name and address. It is the second time I have called their customer service line ever, and the second time I got a nice lady on the phone who sounds exactly like your grandmother.

Do they really hire grandmothers to answer the phone for customer service? They are certainly not outsourcing to India. But really, do they hire little old ladies to run their 800 line for customer service?

My theory though is this: no one wants to yell at their grandmother. It takes a seriously disturbed individual to yell at an old lady. The first time I got the grandmother on the phone at Belk, I did in fact have an account problem. They were posting my payments the day after the checks cleared according to my bank, and then charging me a late fee. I was pissed. So I call the 800 number, and found myself trying to be polite and angry at the same time because it was someone's grandmother on the phone. After a very long time and lots of lovely Southern chatting, I was eventually refunded the late fees they tried to suck out of me and Granny told me about 8 times to "Have a lovely day." I just couldn't be angry at them anymore.

I don't know about you, but I think Sprint could take a lesson from Belk.

So I went to post the link to McRae's and just found out that they have been bought by Belk. Interesting. Or maybe it's not.

My best friend has started a blog. It looks sharp, sounds intelligent, and has little details like a blog roll and such. I am mightily impressed and now want to figure out how to do more than type the inside of my brain into an unedited box and hit "publish post."

She is terrific really. I'm would like to say so much about her, but want for it to be thoughtful. Maybe spend some time as a draft for a few days first.

What I can say now is that not only is she creative, she really is a rocket scientist. I occasionally use this to excuse my own flakiness and general stupidity, because you know, my best friend is a rocket scientist. Then I remember that I have not once felt smaller or less accomplished in her presence. She has a beautiful way of making everyone she meets feel their most intelligent and their best while around her.

If anyone is out there reading, take a break from my rambling and go visit her at Toddler Planet.

Lately, I find myself angry and often I don't know why.

Friends tell me not to worry about it, that I have a right to be angry. I love them for understanding when really, I don't agree.

My parents have gotten the raw end of the deal. Instead of planning their retirement, now they are planning where they will die. Melodramatic? Maybe a little. Unfortunately, it is also true. Am I happy about it? Not in the least.

Hold it up for comparison though, and I end up wondering, "Do I have the right to be angry?"

If I was a nicer person, I might answer that question with the woes of the world and the scores of people who have it worse than me and my family does. Tonight though, I don't care about them.

This week, I actually got angry at my mom because she drove too many places. She drove too many places and did too many things and got tired. So I was angry at her. She spent 10 days in the hospital after her first round of chemo. Now, as soon as her white count is back to an acceptable level, she is back out and doing everything she did before. She is going to end up right back in the hospital again. And if she keeps it up, she will never be able to have the chemo and a possibility of getting better.

So am I angry, so just scared?

I guess identity is who we see ourselves as. It seems that I define my own identity in my career. If asked the question, "Who are you?" I would undoubtedly tell you that I'm the Executive Director of a music school for children from low-income families. An arts administrator. A grant writer. Cue John Williams music: I am a cape-wearing, hands-on-hips, fighter for children and an equal arts education for all.

Of course, I have now given notice at that job to be a family girl. A daughter, a stepmother, and a hopefully a glowing pregnant woman soon. So who does that make me?

I've been reading mommybloggers lately. A friend sent me a link to a musician mom's blog recently. The entry described some of the wedding music she has been subjected to performing as one of a few violinists who haven't yet fled the state of Mississippi. As much as I connected with the musician and certainly the anti-Mississippi feel of the post, the more I read, the more I realized I am missing something.

I followed links from this blog to other mommyblogs and read for hours. There is a feeling of motherhood as an identity amongst them. As a new stepmother, I haven't just taken on the identity and run with it. I'm excited about it, but I still am surprised when Lovely wants a hug in the morning, or I'm supposed to check her homework. It catches me off guard a little. Don't get me wrong, I am loving the new role. It just doesn't feel like an identity yet.

The feeling of loss at leaving my job is strange to me as I never intended on being an arts administrator. As much as I have enjoyed the work and the people I have worked with, I have to admit that I have enjoyed the identity it gave me just as much. I fell into the job, and have felt so lucky to have done so. It made me a professional instead of just a musician.

But I'm nervous about the whole identity thing. I think I used my job to identify myself because I didn't like my life. Now that I'm starting to really like it, that doubt starts creeping back in of what I deserve, what I'm worth, and most importantly - who I am.

There is a bit of closing my eyes and jumping going on here. At some point I made a decision to change my life and never look back. Now I'm hoping that I can live up to it and that the strong mommy-identity comes from the hormones or somehow magically is instilled upon you during pregnancy and childbirth. It would be so nice to read the mommyblogs as a peer and relate as a mommy. We'll see.

From as far back as I can remember, my mother tried to teach me that it didn't matter what you looked like or what you wore. As noble as that was, and as glad I am that she taught me to depend on intellect instead of lipstick, there are some flaws.

For a lot of careers, it does matter. There is a certain socialital expectation of grooming and appearance. The studies are out that heavy people earn less than thin. An attitude of, "if they don't care enough to take care of themselves, then how much will they care about the job they do?"

I am guilty of this attitude. It isn't just weight though, it is how well put together someone is and how much thought it appears went into their physical preparation for the day. Ridiculous? Probably.

I have been in a job though where I am in front of people constantly asking for money or promoting the school. Do I think I get a better response when I'm down 10 pounds, freshly highlighted, brows waxed, and suit crisply pressed? You bet I do. Do I choose skirts that hit above the knee instead of below to show a little more leg? Absolutely. Am I ashamed of this? Not in the least.

There was a good reason my mother worked very hard to teach me that you shouldn't judge or be judged by the way you look. Her mother entered her in beauty pageants and found her own self-worth in other people's opinions that her daughter was beautiful. Momma resented it. My mother swung the opposite direction and I spent junior high and high school miserable because my peers ridiculed the way I looked and dressed.

Now, I find myself wanting to provide a happy medium for my stepdaughter. She is 10 and is already asking questions about clothes and zits. She is conscious of her weight and wants to wear clothes that are loose and baggy. She has told me that she is "the biggest girl in her class," and she doesn't mean tall. That part breaks my heart. She is a beautiful girl.

How do you teach a young girl that you will never be happy if you base your opinion of yourself on how others treat you when in order to be successful, you need to learn how to have others treat you with respect and even admiration?

Middle school will be cruel, and I want her to know that she is beautiful, smart, funny, and caring. I also want her to learn to eat right, take care of her body, and choose clothes that she likes and look good on her.

I think the bottom line is that I want for her to have every opportunity. I want for her to take the AG classes, be smart, and at the same time, I want for her to be attractive. Is that wrong? I want for her to be thought of as pretty. Not because I'm that shallow, but because I want her to have the respect that goes along with attractiveness.

On Friday, I will resign. For 6 years, I have been the Executive Director of a non-profit music school whose mission is to provide music lessons to children from low-income families. You really couldn't create a more fulfilling job.

The children at this school pay $1 per week for their music lesson. We give them an instrument to use while they are enrolled and even buy their music books if they need us to. Our teachers are professionals, and our graduating class of 2006 went on to Harvard, Duke, NCA&T, Wake Tech, and Barton College. Not too shabby.

I've been to the White House to accept an award from Laura Bush. There have been newspaper interviews, podcast interviews, and numerous TV interviews. We get funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, our state arts council, the city, the county, and usually just about anyone else I ask for it.

This has nothing to do with me. The program is magnificent. The idea is brilliant. The need is absolutely relevant and the results scream success and value. I have said many times and say again, "It is easier to give us the money than it is to tell us no." It is true. What this school does with $25 could not be replicated by another arts organization or another service organization of which I know. The one-on-one student/teacher ratio and quality of music education offered makes our program the most important program seeking grants in this town.

Modest? Not me. I reiterate though, it's not me. Thank God it isn't, because I'm quitting. After 6 years of throwing my entire being into this school, I am tired. The responsibility of being in charge of the music education of 200 kids, a six-figure budget, 20 faculty, another staff member, and working with a volunteer Board of Directors has finally gotten to me.

I want to be a family girl.

There is my new family. And there is my old family. My parents need me more than ever. Guy needs me and Lovely needs me. And I want to have a baby.

I don't think I've ever looked at that sentence before. It seems odd to come from me. I have been an independent woman, a career minded, socially responsible, civic concerned woman. Lots of my colleagues and friends have no children.

I want to have a baby.

Let me be slightly more specific. I want to have Guy’s baby. I want to be a mommy with his daddy. I want to change the diapers of our offspring, get hardly any sleep, have sore nipples, wash 18 loads of laundry a day, and take long morning walks behind a stroller.

The beauty of being a musician is that you make up your own job. I can be a stay-at-home mom and still teach. I can teach as many or as few students as I want to. I can take as many or as few gigs as I want to. I can record, write, or do nothing as I see fit.

I am looking forward to having more time for my family and for music. Guy and I are looking forward to recording together, writing together, playing together, and just being together. I have never looked forward to the future before. I have only looked at making it through the now.

Although I am sad and scared to leave my job, I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to something new. I hope that I have accomplished enough to have made a difference while I was there.

My mother's mother was called Honey. She moved to Jackson around the time I was born so that my mother could take care of her. From the moment I met her, she lived in a retirement complex called "Madonna Manor." It was a dump by the time she moved out, but pretty nice in the beginning. Of course nothing in Jackson is free from crime, and by the time I was in college, there was a woman a couple of floors down from Honey who got raped in her apartment. If I heard that now, I would be panicking to get my grandmother out of that environment. In Jackson, you just buy an extra lock for your door because you've given up on moving somewhere completely safe.

I digress. Honey was a remarkable woman. She became a single parent in the 1940's when her lovely husband walked out on her, my mother, and her older brother. Realizing quickly that she was going to have to support these children, she decided to become a nurse. With childcare help from her younger sister in Georgia, Honey managed to make it through nursing school (a feat my ex-husband couldn't do with me paying the bills and having no children), establish a home for herself and her children, and even managed to get a grand piano for my mother who somehow never missed a piano lesson no matter what food was or was not in the cupboards.

She did all this without a driver's license. Honey never drove. I don't know why she never learned to drive. It made her seem older and more frail than she was though. I remember my mother always having to drive across town and take Honey somewhere. To the doctor. Shopping. To church. To the library. Wherever Honey needed to go, my mother was there to take her. Until I turned 15 and got my driver's license that is. Then I picked up some of the responsibility. There was this time I had to take her to the podiatrist. It ended badly with me dashing from the room trying to make it to a bathroom before vomiting. From that day forward I vowed to take care of my feet and get pedicures on a regular basis from clean places.

I digress again. There are too many stories to tell about Honey. If I don't tire of typing to myself, I'm sure I'll hit on many more. The point I wanted to make today was that Honey was about my mother's age now when I was born. For all of her complaining, for the million times she said, "I'm blind and I can't see" to anyone she thought was in earshot, for all the hours I had to sit in front of her vanity and have my hair ironed into doodoo curls, I know that she was one of the most remarkable women I could have had in my life.

The endurance of that woman was incredible. She was strong, stubborn, and smart. There was no model back then for single moms. There was no child support or alimony. There was just her sheer will and determination. The things I learned from Honey could spin off into another blog altogether.

The point? My grandchild will not have these things to say about my mother. For all the praise I have for Honey, I think my mother is twice the woman with twice the smarts and twice the determination. I can only imagine what she could teach my children. And what stories will they tell if their family is gone before their memories start?

This is not the way I imagined it would be.

Honey lived to be 97. She did eventually really lose her sight and became quite dependent the last 5 years of her life. However, she also picked up and moved across the country at 92 years old. When my parents decided to move to California, Honey didn't bat an eye. She said, "When do we leave?" She made new friends, experienced new cultures, and loved to tell her stories to anyone who would sit and listen.

Honey and my mother didn't always get along so well. They loved each other dearly, but I think 30 plus years of caretaking to someone as negatively vocal as Honey could be took a toll on my mother. In the days before she died though, Honey told my mother that although she wanted to live to be 100, she was content to know that she had lived long enough to see my mother fulfill God's plan for her life. Isn't that what every child wants to hear? That their parent thinks they done good?

Honey gave that to my mom, and it meant the world to her. Momma has given that to me all along though, and it has made all the difference in my life. I'm grateful she didn't make me wait until the end to let me know that she is proud of me.

In my first marriage, there were no children. I knew this was part of the deal going into to the union. He was sterile. Now I know that it is a huge deal. Then, I thought, "we'll just adopt."

Adoption is a terrific idea. I am all for blended, adopted, united, and patched up families. For me and husband #1 though, it didn't work.

There was much work and follow through to be done in adoption. It also involved a lot of money. What I am going to say would not be popular amongst adoptive families, but since I've been through the process up to bringing home baby, I'm going ahead.

I think the adoption process in America sucks.

As I was packing up my previous home, I came across the "lifebooks" that husband #1 and I sent to one of the adoption agencies. Here we are. We are cute, thin, white, young, and oh so incredibly hip. Here we are at church. Here we are with lots of attractive friends. Here is our extended family full of nieces and nephews for your child to play with. Here is our tiny house.

Oops.

Tiny house. Old cars. Jobs with no benefits. A husband perpetually in school and a wife working 60 hours a week to keep him there.

We are dysfunctional and yet somehow get approved to adopt a child. Had we possessed $30,000 in October 2003, we would have done so.

Thank god for our poverty.

However unsuited to parent we were though, the American adoption process was perfectly willing to let us go ahead, provided some girl chose us (pick me! pick me!) and we had enough cash to fork over.

Positive point now.

I had to sit through (and pay for) an entire counseling series where I learned how to parent someone else's child.

As of July 24, 2006, I am officially parenting someone else's child. The bonus is that her father is parenting her too.

I am a stepmom.

Lovely is now part of my family. We will always be connected, and yet there will always be something in our way. Wait, I know this one; I will be her family and she will have her other family.

Blah blah blah.

The bottom line is that I have a child. What I have wanted so badly for these past years is here. Well, she's here 50% of the time. Which is about 50% of the time less than I wish she was here.

I got to pack a lunch last week. I didn't pick out the lunchbox, and sure, there is her oh so dear mother telling her that I'm a whore, but I got to pack her lunch.

There was a PB&J, some blueberries because she told me she loves blueberries, some applesauce, a napkin, some organic string cheese, and some totally bad for you yet containing no transfats cookies. All I lacked was a note, but I can't do that lest her mother finds it and yells at Lovely for eating food I prepared.

She is such a good kid. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but man, she is such a good kid. I don't know how I got to be so lucky.

People have been telling me and Guy that we have been in the "honeymoon stage" since the day we started dating. There are those who are rooting for us to continue that way forever and those who follow the observation with their sentiments of how it won't last.

I'm here to say that it hadn't even started yet.

Two weeks as a married couple and we can't seem to even come close to getting enough of each other. Today was Saturday. We had all sorts of mature plans to do yard work and run errands. Before we knew it, 11:30 rolled around and we had just finished breakfast after laying in bed talking all morning. Yes, talking.

What I remember most distinctly about the day I met Guy is the sound of his voice. I am not a person with a long attention span. If there is other conversation in the room especially, I cannot concentrate on a single person for very long. If you mix that in with work, I am even worse. I met Guy at work, and there were several other people in the room, yet somehow, I could not quit listening to him. Usually, I want someone to say what they have to say and move on at work, but not Guy. If I thought he was going to quit talking, I found myself asking another question just to see what he would say next. I didn't think I was attracted to him, and there wasn't anything to it then, but I can't help but look back now and wonder how I missed that significant point.

Two and a half years later, I'm sitting next to him on the couch, our dueling laptops running, as his wife. His Schmoopie, in fact. We made it to Montreat and did get married in our Birkenstocks. The preacher wore flip-flops.

Our best couple friends went with us to be witnesses. She is a violinist and he is a hot air balloon pilot. I always follow that up with, "It's his for real job, no joke." She gigs on the weekends and he had a job in Asheville later in the week, so we opted to get married on a Monday. This time, the marriage was the focus and not the wedding. We didn't care what day or what time, just that the end result left us as husband and wife. I did make a bouquet of red roses and ordered a cake from my favorite bakery, the Square Rabbit. Guy and I picked up the cake with fair warning from Rebecca that it probably wouldn't travel well. She was so right. It completely fell apart on the drive through the mountains, but that didn't stop us from taking spoons to it later and eating chunks and lumps of lemon-y buttercream goodness.

Here's to the honeymoon. Day 20 and counting.

Jackson. I can't freaking get away from it. My whole family systematically moves out of Jackson, Mississippi and now they are all going to end up in Jackson, Tennessee. Amazingly enough, I would prefer that they were still in Jackson, Mississippi.

The southern Jackson at least has some really good restaurants. Jackson of the north, not so much. There is my brother's kitchen, but it's only open late, and you don't get to order off the menu. At least I don't have to leave a tip.

The southern Jackson has some of my friends left there. Jackson of the north, none that I know of.

The southern Jackson has boutique shopping. Not that I want anything from the boutiques, mind you. If I wanted to dress like every outing was part of a beauty pageant and even my panties had to be monogrammed, I could do some good shopping in the southern Jackson. There is the Gail Pittman outlet and then crazy woman who sells ceramics out of her garage and donates the money to the nuns. If she isn't home, you just leave your money in a Mason jar. The northern Jackson has 2 Payless Shoe stores. You choose which one you want to go in by how many potholes you would like to swerve around in the parking lots that day.

The southern Jackson would still feel like home. No matter how long I've been gone or how deeply I've planted my roots in North Carolina, the southern Jackson will always feel like home. Jackson of the north feels like my brother has relocated his family to a larger version of the most redneck town he has lived in thus far.

I will have to go to Jackson of the north on a regular basis now. I guess that will be okay since I'm only going to see family. The visits will most likely only consist of doctor visits and errands, so I guess I can't complain. Maybe they have a Krystal there.

Wherever my parents moved, I still need more time in my life. I will be quitting one of my jobs and keeping my piano studio going. It is more flexible and I don't want to lose my students anyway. If they had chosen to come here, I would need the time to take care of them. Now, I will need the time to travel. My brother won't travel. I think that is the unspoken reason that they are going to Tennessee instead of North Carolina. He went to California one time in 7 years to see them. He just won't leave his job long enough to go anywhere. I don't know if it is an inflated sense of self or an inflated sense of responsibility, but somehow, he always ends up being the one to forego vacation and put his family last. There would never be enough money in the world to make me work in a church ever again. I have watched my entire family put the church in front of all else time and time again. I think they even put their church work in front of God sometimes. Ironic.

Guy and I almost bought a painting of Johnny Cash last week at the Loveless Cafe. It was an abstract kind of painting with quips around the edges of "we're going to Jackson." At the time, I found it amusing. Now, not so much.

I hope that my parents have thought through their care and the people with time to give it to them. I have a feeling that when my mother dies, we'll be moving Daddy all over again. She said this morning that she thought she was going to die sooner rather than later. I don't understand then, why she won't go ahead and get Daddy near me where he belongs. Daddies and daughters go together.

I'm going to have to be patient. I suck at being patient.

Last Sunday, I called my mom. She had told me to call her before I left town to elope with Guy. She had received her second chemo treatment that Friday, so I knew she wasn't planning on going anywhere.

So why did I get the answering machine?

I left a message, thinking that maybe they were napping. No one called back. First thing on Monday morning, when it is late enough Pacific time to call, I dial.

Answering machine again.

I turn to Guy and say, "Mom is in the hospital. Something has gone wrong, and she is in the hospital." Another man would have told me not to worry and that there was no way to know that. Guy said, "You are probably right. There isn't anything you can do about it now, but if we need to go to CA instead of on our honeymoon, we'll work it out." God, I love that man.

My brother has not heard from them either. I wake him up I think, and he tells me to go ahead and get married and not worry about it. He will find out what is going on and let me know.

Don't worry about it.

That is completely ridiculous I think. I'm on my way to Montreat, North Carolina to marry the man of my dreams in the most beautiful town in the world, by my favorite minister (second to Mom), by a, I kid you not, babbling brook. It could not have been more perfect, and yet I'm supposed to not worry about it.

There is something that my parents are quite confused about, and it is that even though I worry about them, I am still able to function in my everyday life. Even though eloping with no family present was not at all how I wanted to get married, I made do, and pretty damn well, thank you. Yes, I want them safe, healthy, here, and happy. In the event that I can't have all that right now, I'll take what happiness I can get.

The happiness I have now is my new family. Aside from being the new bride of the most wonderful man in the world, I'm also a new stepmother. Lovely is now officially my stepdaughter. I tried to work the dogs into the equation as well, but nobody is buying the whole stepdog thing.

There is always some amount of happiness. And I truly believe, from the course of my life in the past few years that there will always be that amount of sadness too. You can't choose your circumstances, but you can choose how you react to them I think.

I am scared to death for my mother. She is still in the hospital. Daddy is staying at the house by himself. I'm happy about neither, and can control neither at the same time. I could though, go ahead and take care of marrying the man of my dreams. A long term investment if you will.

My mother and I are both making new life long commitments. Mine is to the love of my life. Hers is to chemotherapy. I hope her new commitment is not going to replace the one she made to my father.

When she told me that she would be on chemotherapy "indefinitely," I thought to myself, "You mean until you die." I don't know why I have to be so morbid some days. It is hard to find hope in this situation though. She will be on chemotherapy until she dies. Not until her cancer goes away, but until it kills her.

I see this as the opportunity for her to drag her feet on moving again. Even though she told me last week that she was going to submit her resignation to the church, she has not, and has no date in mind for doing it. There is this issue of the other pastor needing knee surgery.

I'm sorry. Did she say knee surgery?

Can I just state for the record that I honestly don't care one bit about the overweight senior pastor's knees? Why is that my family is affected by the fact that he is an idiot and has waited until it is a dire situation for him to have knee surgery? Did they all forget that my mother has cancer and my father can't remember what day it is or tie his own shoes? Buy the fat guy a scooter and get on with it.

It is so past time for her to have secured help for my father. When she and I talk now, it is all about her, her treatment, her job, and the decisions that weigh her down. Can I really accuse my own mother of being selfish when she is trying to face terminal cancer? Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I think she is being extremely selfish by not having resigned yet and especially for continuing to leave him at home unsupervised.

Neither of them have much longer in the grand scheme of things. As I get ready to commit myself to the man I love and respect, I can't help but feel slightly bitter towards her. I would drop anything and everything to take care of him. At this moment in time, she has forgotten her commitment to my father. He needs her. He needs her to help him and to be with him. He needs her to quit working and move him closer to his family. He doesn't need her to talk about it, plan it, re-plan it, or even think much about it at this point. He just needs her to do it.

My mother will start again tomorrow. Chemo. 8:00 AM Pacific time.

She will be on a 3 week cycle. Week one, she will have two drugs, taxotere and gemzar. Week two, she will just have the gemzar. Week three, she gets to recover some.

And then she will start again.

Neither of these drugs list ovarian cancer on their website as something they treat. Both state that they can be used for metastatic breast cancer. I don't understand that, but I guess that's alright.

There will be no surgery. She was given the false hope of actual tumors that could be removed with surgery. That turns out to not be true. She thinks I've given up on her just because I never believed the surgery option. That is also not true.

My daddy is supposed to have a cat scan on Friday as well. I don't know how they will arrange transportation for both of them, but they have not asked me to come.

Momma insists that there is something else wrong with my father besides Parkinson's. I disagree. His weight has dropped to 127 pounds. He is 6'1". I can barely understand him on the phone anymore because he does not have adequate control of his facial muscles. She has disregarded the diagnosis of Parkinson's with Lewy Body disorder, so I'm not sure of what else she is looking for. It's quite enough.

I don't know which disease is more cruel. If I had to choose, I would say that it's the Parkinson's. Cancer comes and goes until one day, you know it is going to kill you. There are means to fight it and ways to stave it off. It will most likely kill you one day, but there is at least "the good fight." Parkinson's has eaten way tiny pieces of my daddy until there is nothing left but this shell of a man who used to be my foundation. There is no fight. There are drugs that "slow the progression." Unfortunately, if you are diagnosed so late like I believe Daddy was, there is no slowing things down.

And once again, I am left sitting here wondering, "Which one is going to go first?"

I pray that it is Daddy.

Start again tomorrow. This was something that my grandfather always said to me. He used to be the one I would call when I had a bad day. By the time I was done unloading my horrid tales, we would both be laughing because really, they were never that bad. I miss him.

I'm starting over. A week from Monday, I will marry the man of my dreams. It has taken time, pain, destruction, and rebuilding to get there, but we have almost made it.

In Montreat, Presbyterians fill the town. Not to mention, it is the most beautiful place on earth. It's the perfect place for a wedding. Ironically enough, the minister who will marry us has already done this for me once. I suppose you have to have a strange sense of humor, but it really is funny. I'm finally going to be married in the mountains by a stream and get to wear my Birkenstocks doing it. Life is good sometimes.

Start again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

I'm going to keep on trying. There is no reason why we shouldn't make the best of the lives we've been given.