More discoveries

In my first marriage, it was no secret that we would not have any children. I guess it is for this reason that I never considered myself part of the group of infertile women. It wasn't me who was infertile, it was us. It was my choice to try and adopt before going through infertility treatments. I coped by telling myself that I didn't really want to be pregnant anyway. I coped by telling myself that I knew this going into the marriage and had made my peace with it.

There was some truth to the second statement. I had made my peace with it going in. It was not my fault that my first husband couldn't have children naturally and then didn't have enough follow through to have children any other way either.

As I have connected with other women here in the blogosphere, I have met several who are going through fertility treatments. It has only recently occurred to me why I feel so deeply for them and connected to them. It has only recently occurred to me that even though the circumstances in my life have changed drastically, one thing has remained constant. I have been trying to have a baby for a very long time.

Another song from the vault today. This one was written in 1998. I was several days late. My first husband had something like a .05% chance of ever getting a woman pregnant. I had certainly not had sex with anyone else. So I thought, "Maybe." And I took the only pregnancy test of my life until last October.

And then I wrote this.

What if I just let go?

This song was recorded in 2000. Yes. A full five years before I gave my first husband the boot. The funniest part about this is that my ex was in this band.

Yep. I wrote this song, and sang these words, week after week, with him sitting behind me beating away on things that went "ping."

I couldn't really believe it when I heard it again. The tape was never mixed down to completion, so I hadn't heard it in years. When Guy and I were playing with the 4 track the other day, we found it. I had forgotten how much I liked these songs. The guitar players were noodley but good. The best part about them was how well they played with each other. Their little Taylors were like twins, finishing each other's sentences and sharing each other's thoughts.

The other thing this song reminded me of was this: Throughout my first marriage, I had plenty of guy friends. It was nothing for me to meet a guy for coffee, go out to dinner, hang out at the house, just me and him. My ex was hardly ever around, so what did he care? Looking back, I realize how many of those friends were over the line. One of the guitar players in this band was that type of friend. As you can imagine, drama ensued. I had no intention of ever crossing an actual line, nor would I have ever dreamed of an affair or leaving my ex for another man. So the closeness of the friendship with this other band member? Very confusing to the situation.

It's amazing what I missed as I stood right in the middle of it all. Well, I say I missed it, but then I wrote songs like this one. I couldn't have been missing it then, could I?

Just to add a little more quirkiness to this week's Thursday Tune, Guy went back in and recorded a bass track to this song. So basically, this is me, my first husband, my last husband (five years after the original recording), a guy that does an amazing Curious George impression, and another guy that I had an inappropriate friendship with. Hooray.

Is is me, or should he have clued in when he heard this song?

Music Do Re Meme for Thursday Tunes

Save your ears. Instead of an actual tune today, I'm answering Mamma's tag (and her new template is to die for! I've got to stop just reading off of Bloglines!) for the famous music meme. You know, the one where we list 7 tunes we are really into right now. I thought this would be easy for me, but it wasn't. My problem is that I load the cd changer up with stuff and just let it spin. I have no idea what the names of songs are or even the name of the album often.

It required research. And by research, I mean actually finding the right cd cases for the trail of cd's that I have been listening to and then placing in the case of the next on the playlist. Then it required me trying to decide if these seven songs were going make me look stupid. Then it required me realizing that the previous statement must mean that I'm still 12.

So I give you, the seven songs that make me squirmy right now. And although there is no Wilco on the list, Wilco always makes me squirmy. No matter what the song.

"The Dark Blue," Jack's Mannequin
There is plenty of piano, clever phrasing, and great vocals. I have to admit, I got this one from a 16 year old. But since Ben Folds grew up, I needed another rowdy piano boy to satiate my desires. Thank you, Jack.

"Hundred," The Fray
I came late to The Fray. Even though I heard the "how to save a life" song on Grey's Anatomy at the same time as everyone else, I didn't buy the album. Until a month ago or so. And boy howdy. It is unreal. Again, more piano-y goodness. Words from the early days of me and Guy: "And who's to say it's wrong, And who's to say that it's not right, Where we should be for now."

"Someone Else's Tomorrow," Patty Griffin
I have a list of songs I wish I wrote. At least half of them are by Patty Griffin. "And the memories fade. Send the ghosts on their way. Tell them, They've had their day it's someone else's tomorrow." She makes me feel the same way this blogger did today. Like I wanted to say all of that, but shit. They already said it so much better.

"Girl in the War," Josh Ritter
I love this whole album. If you haven't picked up a copy of Paste magazine, you so should. For about four years now, Paste has been my beacon of new music. Each month it comes with a CD sampler and awesome reviews of dozens of artists. Well worth every penny. Oh, and that's where I found Josh Ritter. I love this album down to the artwork. It makes me want to quit just adding to iTunes and keep buying actual cd's. This is the first song off The Animal Years, and it is my favorite today.

"Miss You," David Lamotte
David is from Montreat. Montreat is my favorite place on earth. Montreat is where Guy and I were married. I bought this cd when we stopped in Montreat on our way home from Tennessee in January. After the miscarriage. From the song:

"I've been searching for the right words
I've been straining for the sound
My head is full of voices
I've been trying to write them down
I've been walking 'round in circles
Looking for the perfect way
I make it all so complicated
When all I really want to say is

I miss you."

I'm pretty sure that David didn't write this song about a miscarriage. You know, being a boy and all. But it's funny to me sometimes, how a great song takes on its own life after being written, recording, and released. And you listen. And you relate. And you make it your own. This song, when I listen to it, belongs just to me. Me and Cleatus.

"9 Crimes," Damien Rice
I so wish I was this female singer. Her voice is haunting and the interplay she gets to do with Damien Rice makes me more jealous of her than any other musician currently. This song, with the tennis game of "Is that alright with you?" makes my heart ache. And I don't even really know what its about. Nor do I care. It is a beautiful song.

"Rootless Tree," Damien Rice
Yes, I picked two Damien Rice songs. You are lucky that I picked any that weren't Damien Rice songs. That is how much I love him. I did stick to the newer album. I don't know why. I could still listen to the older album 24/7 and be happy. "Rootless Tree" is a song with a chorus of fuck you. I don't know why I love this song except that the pure angst and 12 feet deep anger is so beautifully done. I don't really care what emotion is shown is music - when an artist makes me believe with all my heart that they are really feeling that emotion as they perform - then I am hooked.

That. Is what I love about Damien Rice. I believe every heart string that he pulls.

And just because I can't stop with just 7, I give you my eighth and ninth songs:

"The Blower's Daughter," Damien Rice
If you have never heard this song, please stop reading and go listen to this little clip. Then buy it. This song was my divorce and remarriage song. I cannot, to this day, listen to it with a dry eye. And again. The female singer - "did I say that I loathe you? did I say that I want to leave it all behind?" My dear word. This might be the most perfect song ever.

Except that he also wrote, "Cannonball." Our love song. "there's still a little piece of your face I haven't kissed." Of course, that's not true anymore. I have kissed every piece of his face at least a dozen times. This. Is the perfect song.

There they are. The seven, rather nine, songs I love now. I am into them. Go and spend your hard earned money on them. Pay for your music just like you pay for your electricity and water. Please.

I tag Girl (more Ben Folds goodness, Dahling), and Jen (because I think she needs a good distraction right about now). Let's here your most hopeful songs, ladies. I'm ready and armed with my iTunes.

Thursday Tunes

More of the Moi Choir.

This is not really going where I had hoped. The idea was to put new recordings out there. Instead, this week you get another tune from the Dude. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a lovely tune. I'm just hoping that the recording gets going soon.

For this week though, enjoy this song of the Dude's. It's the title track on his newest CD.

Thursday Tunes

This week's Thursday Tune was supposed to be Johnny Mathis doing the Hallelujah Chorus especially for Karaoke Diva. Alas, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to convert it, so you will just have to imagine how fabulously awful it is. Truly.

Instead, you get to hear one of Dude's songs. This is on his latest cd, which is quite lovely. He does most all of the recording himself - we are just his live band. However, he does get me to do backing vocals, which makes me happy because I love to sing back up best of all. Plus, he lets me do scads of tracks, so it the narcissist's dream. Tons of little me's all over. Mwhahahahaha.

Remember, Dude is an anchorman first and foremost. He doesn't have any formal musical training. It flat out amazes me what he can do. He is the best example of "natural musician" I have ever met.

For googling purposes, I'm not naming the song, cd, or Dude here. However, if you like it and are so curious that you can't stand it, I'll be happy to email you the details.

Thursday Tunes

This past weekend, Guy and I bought a new hard disk recording unit. We have been tinkering around with it as demonstrated here, but there are no fruits of our labor yet. If fruits don't appear soon, this may have to turn into a quarterly feature rather than a weekly feature.

So I present to you yet another 3-4 year old performance of a Tori song. "Waitress." Performed in the days before I knew of the glories of Flonase in February. I heart Flonase.

Of course I judge. I have listened to this at least 15 times in the last week, finding reasons why I don't want to put this out here. Me. The person who regularly fills this blog with unedited mental vomit, is hesitating here.

The middle of the song reaks. The second chorus is painful to listen to. So if you are only in for 20 seconds of it, skip to the end. I will say that I actually like the last verse of the recording.

I am my own worst critic. That's not unusual though. There became a moment though, in the study of music, where I became far too critical of myself. I don't know when that moment was, but in a way, I do wish it had never happened. In another way, I wish it had happened before the dreaded album of 1996.

Enough with the words. On with the music. Not for the quality, but for the love and enjoyment.



Wish us luck with the Tascam so that we don't have to endure another week of Tori not being done by Tori.

Thursday Tunes

It's week two of Thursday Tunes and I have learned a few things.

1. As much as I love love love Guy playing and singing "Brandy," I was tired of hearing it self start everytime I checked in on the blog.

2. If you use IE, that doesn't happen. I use Firefox, so it did. I will continue searching for the right code or a different player that lets you decide if you want to hear the music or not. No forced listening here.

3. I should have done that before subjecting you to this next diddy.

I have very few things recorded that I would ever be willing to put out there on internet land. There is an full album's worth of stuff from 1996 that I would never in a million years post. It is 100% awful. Think Roland Jazz Chorus out the wahzoo and vocals that never got rerecorded even though the instrumental parts did. Not that I'm perfect, but have mercy, that album makes me sound deaf.

I digress.

Point being, I'm going to actually have to start recording some things if I don't want to have Thursday Tunes last just another 2 weeks.

Today, you get a live version of "Icicle." A great Tori tune. Not a great performance. This is from 2003 I think. And it does nothing to bolster my suggestions that I do have good pitch. So sorry.

Edited to add: HooRah for the new player that Guy found for me. Now you can listen if you want and press stop as soon as you can take no more.

Thursday Tunes

I've been trying for some time now to figure out how to post music here. The YouTube videos are easy enough to embed, but I've had a time with audio.

Voila. Today I scored. Inbetween sneezing, blowing my nose, and generally feeling like a big ball of crap, I find myself able to present you with Guy's lovely version of "Brandy."

Now I would like to figure out how to make it not play itself automatically. . .

Doesn't Thursday Tunes sound like it could recur? A weekly segment? If only I had that much music I was willing to put out there. Notice I made Guy the guinea pig.