No, actually, it's not alright

This is our anniversary cake. Each year, I order a small cake that was like our only slightly larger wedding cake. It is a lemon cake with a raspberry filling and simply has our monogram on the top.

It is supposed to be a plain white buttercream frosting, giving it an embossed look.

This year, the girl on the phone at the Square Rabbit said, "Oh, well I'll put the monogram in yellow so it shows up better."

I simply said, "Alright."

It wasn't what I meant. It wasn't alright. I wanted it to be all white, just like it has in years past. Because I've gone soft, I just acquiesced to her and said, "alright."

**************************************************

Last night, we were at a neighborhood party; a lovely monthly event that our neighbors so kindly host during the summer. The kids run themselves until they pass out on the lawn, the babies get passed around and smooched, and the adults chat with neighbors who they don't get to see often enough. It's always a good time.

As I stood chatting with another baby holding mama, a third woman came up to us. I don't really know her other than her name and a little of the latest gossip. We might not have even been introduced ever - I can't remember.

There wasn't an earth shattering conversation going on when she approached us; just some catching up between friends.

Here's the thing.

She walked up, said nothing to me, and started a totally new conversation with my friend. She took my friend's baby to hold and then angled her back towards me. Where a triangle could have been created, she cut me off, leaving me just standing there like a moron. They talked about the night before, a bunco gathering that I had declined to attend because I still am where Colin is. I smiled politely, not that she could see me with her back turned to me, and waited for the tide of conversation to shift again to a threesome.

Instead, this woman who had interrupted us, leaned closer to my friend and started talking about some super secretive something. It was like sitting at the damn lunch table in 7th grade again.

She leaned into the woman I had been talking to and said something like, "So when are we going to finish up that thing? You know, that thing we have to finish." In a freaking talk-whisper.

My friend looked slightly uncomfortable, and I just snapped.

"Why don't I just leave so you can talk freely?" I said.

The woman's jaw hit the driveway. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said. As if she hadn't seen me there in the first place. Like I hadn't been STANDING THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

I was already gone.

****************************************************
Much to my surprise, I feel better about the second story. There was a time in my life when I spoke up for myself. There was a time when I felt things passionately and acted on that passion. I could be impulsive and opinionated.

There is too much "alright" coming out of my mouth these days. Too much censoring myself because I want to be liked or accepted when really, I like myself better when I don't give a shit.

I'm not talking about being rude to people. I still like the part of myself that goes out of my way to make someone else feel comfortable. In fact, that's the part of me that has such little tolerance for the rude and immature behavior of that woman last night. I would never have done that to someone. And people that I like? People who are my friends? Don't act like that. So really, why should I care if she now thinks I'm a bitch?

That's what I have to work on. The consequences of standing up for myself, what I believe, and the opinions that matter to me.

I've gone soft. I would like to get some of my edge back. You know, if you don't mind.

Haiku Baby Blues

Baby blue eyes baby blue
I could drown in them
Jump willingly in too deep.

Haiku reflection on a new me

Guy and Lovely gave me a new mixer for Christmas. For 10 years, I have used my very basic Kitchen Aid 4 1/2 quart mixer for all my baking. I felt lucky to have a Kitchen Aid, but I knew that it was a little small for the amount and kind of baking I like to do.

There have been times that Guy has tried to talk me into buying the Professional 600 series mixer that I drooled over. The 6 quart one. Yum. But I just couldn't do it. I had a mixer that worked just fine. It seemed like such a frivolous purchase when I had something that already did the job.

Thank goodness for gifts. The new mixer is a power house, and I swear, I made the best pound cake I have ever made with it on its first run. The crust was absolutely perfect. The batter had room to breathe in that wonderful 6 quart bowl. I love it.

Since my old mixer didn't break, I couldn't see getting rid of it. It's a great mixer. So, we deemed it Lovely's mixer and set about teaching her how to bake.

Yesterday, I gave her a stack of cookbooks so she could pick out a cake to make.

She chose a Hot Milk Cake with Caramel Icing from the Jackson Junior League's Come On In cookbook.

Oh boy. I have never done caramel before.

We set our mixers up this morning and each made the cake. At the same time. Because I think the easiest way to learn it to get to do it yourself. We walked through the steps together and both had some really good looking batter to go into our respective ovens.

Tonight, we tackled the icing, but did it together instead of each doing a separate batch.

I am happy to report that it turned out beautifully. We were beyond proud of ourselves. We cut into Lovely's cake, that she made completely with her own two hands, and it was fantastic. My daddy would be in the kitchen with a fork, finishing off at least one of those cakes himself if he were here.

Now, if someone could just tell me how to clean caramelized sugar out of my cast iron skillet, I would be so thankful.

Tomorrow, we tackle some pajama pants with some cute pink flannel that her dad picked out for her. It's dadgum Home Economics 101 around here. From the woman who never considered herself very domestic. The woman who was going to be a rock star. Then the woman who was married to her job.

Y'all come by. I'll make you some biscuits. Things are different now.

************

Allowing for change
Allows you to find yourself
In comfortable skin.

Make sure you stop by and wish Jennifer safe travels and painless moving before she takes a Haiku Hiatus.

Haiku Friday

One for Bird . . .

I am so tired
Little Bird's not even here
Need to get some sleep.


One for Momma . . .

Momma's chemo works
Her ca125
Is down even more.


One for Lovely . . .

I love track out time
Hanging with my Lovely girl
Gonna learn to sew.


More haiku goodness over at Jennifer's place. Check them out. Even better yet, join in! 5-7-5 is a piece of cake.

Haiku holiday

I was a bad girl and skipped haiku-ing over the holidays. You all kept up so well, and I enjoyed reading them. Now, I will join you again.


******
Gibson, you poor boy
We are always coming back
You are safe at home.

Rescue Remedy
Isn't really helping you
Separation angst.

Gibson, you sweet boy
You're in your forever home
I wish you knew that.

********

Poor big love. Gibson has severe separation anxiety. He has to stay in his crate when we are gone. We can't trust him in the house, and supposedly, he is "crate trained." We don't know what the foster family thought that meant.

But when we leave him, he panics. Shelter nightmares? Fear of family leaving him forever? I don't know, but I wish we could make it go away.

We are trying. Safe word to put him in the crate. Leave for only 10 minutes. Come back and let him out only if he's quiet. Don't make a big deal out of leaving or returning. But in the meantime, we still have to leave him sometimes. Guy has to work. I have errands to run. And poor Gibson doesn't think we are ever coming back.

********

For more Haiku, go follow this link. For a haiku that will make you cry, go visit Labugga. She wrote a very special haiku for me today.

For me and Bird.

Because today, we are at term.

Thank you, LA.

Haiku Friday, I love Santa way more than these kids

I missed the haiku party last week. Shame on me and shame on my emotional roller coaster. I hope to make it up to you this week with one of my favorite sites to visit around the holidays:

Scared of Santa photo gallery. I don't remember how I found it, but it is home to some of the best children with Santa photos that I've seen.

The one on my left is my personal favorite. Guy and I made Christmas CD's for friends one year and this was the insert picture. The CD's had the worst Christmas tunes we could find on it including Johnny Mathis' rendition of the "Hallelujah Chorus," Stevie Nicks murdering "Silent Night," and Chaka Khan singing "The Christmas Song" with her mouth full of marbles. All she wanted was a "turn key and some middle toe." One person actually gave theirs back to us. She had no sense of humor whatsoever.

So in honor of the season, here is my haiku about Santa's lap. If I can find it, I'll add the last picture I had taken on Santa's lap when I was in college. Naughty Santa. He just so happened to be one of my drinking choir buddies. I'm surprised we didn't get him fired.

Santa at the mall
The day after Thanksgiving
Better dry out soon.

Pulling at his beard
The children know the difference
Just a fat old man.

Santa at the mall
Scoping out the hot mommies
He pats his lap, "Sit."

Next year Bird will go
Take pictures with his sister
And the fat old man.


Go visit Jennifer to find more fabulous haiku. You'll find yourself tapping out your words with your fingers the rest of the day. 5, 7, 5. Yep. Haiku that, my friend.

Haiku what was I saying again?

Writing a birth plan
Guy's easily distracted
We need to finish.

Little Bird likes to
Kick along with the typing
Giving his input.

We are bad students
Not doing our birth homework
Until the last night.

Got the names of two
Guy's easily distracted
Doulas to check on.

When the day gets here
I know that he will be so
Very focused then.

Because that's just the way he is. Saving his energy for the real deal.

Sigh.

Less whiny haiku can be found here. And yes, I notice that it is 11:55 PM. No, I cannot possibly do this any later next week.

Haiku Friday, by 35 minutes to go

Gratuitous shot
Of turkey stock on the stove
Will freeze twenty cups.







My boys in new chairs
Ready to eat all they can
And sleep through football.






More haiku, and a sloppy fun Thanksgiving here.

Haiku Friday, counting it down

30 weeks today
Lights a fire under our butts
Getting floors done now.

Bamboo all downstairs
Except for tile in foyer
I want baseboards back.

Family from before
Had peeing Border Collie
Nasty carpet pads.

Crib still in the box
Guitars in every corner
Bird will need a room.

10 more weeks to go
Waiting 'til the last minute
Maybe not so smart.


More haiku, less stress here.

Haiku Friday and I hate cancer, but who doesn't?

Not in the mood for
Writing good haiku tonight
Chemo next Friday.


Find more and better haiku here.

*********

We are not foolish enough to think that Momma wouldn't have to go back on chemo at some point. Her cancer is a chronic condition. We know that.

So when she called today, and I could hear the news in the tone of her voice before her words were spoken, I didn't crumble. It didn't feel like a crisis. I didn't immediately run through all of the things I needed to cancel in order to catch a plane.

Now that they have moved, thank God, they are near my brother. Bro and Sil are great with them, and the grandchildren bring joy into their lives. There will be help. There will not be Daddy taking Momma a piece of bread folded in half and calling it a sandwich. Bless his heart. This is so huge. I'm so grateful that they are near family now.

I think she will be okay. I think they will zap it back again this time. I think that she will live long enough to know Little Bird and for Little Bird to fall completely madly for her.

But she won't be here in January. Not for the birth. After all the wrestling with whether or not it was a good idea for them to be here, the coming to terms with how I wanted her here even it was more work because of Daddy, after all that?

It isn't even an option.

And of course, that makes me want her more than ever. And I just feel really sad.

But I also want you for a long time, so we will compromise. Stay there and fight now. Come here after you've kicked some more cancer in the tush. Little Bird will want you to stick around for a long time.

Haiku Friday for the girl

Lovely and her dog
Dressed up for trick-or-treating
Honey's kimono.

Grandmother's old frock,
Crazy dog in a tutu,
Not man's. Girl's best friend.

Award day at school
Social studies shining star
On honor roll too.


Happy Haiku Friday. More here.

Haiku Friday, featuring Bird in 3D

Little Bird's sweet face
27 weeks today
He's got Daddy's nose.








Little Bird's shy pose
Smiling for the camera
I see there are no dimples.






Bird's eyes are shut tight
Giving us a big thumbs up
He must be cozy.







"Enough already
Can't you people let me sleep?"
Little Bird is done.







Haiku Friday. More here.

Haiku Friday, doggie style

Downward facing dog
Doesn't hold a candle to
Shivasina dog.






Haiku Friday. More here.

Haiku Friday

There will be more scans
No answers from the doctors
To be continued.

"Just want you to know
Not trying to worry you
I'm good at chemo."

Now there's more waiting
Until early November
I think she's alright.

********

Labugga wrote a beautiful haiku in honor of Andria's term day. It is posted at Andria & Co. Of course I cried a little. Andria is so close to holding her baby, and has held strong through many losses to be where she is now. I'm terribly happy for her and proud of her.

********

And for more haiku, or you have written a haiku for Haiku Friday and want to join the block party, go on over and visit Jennifer at Playgroups are No Place for Children.

Haiku Friday

Happy Haiku Friday, everyone!




We're twenty-four weeks
If you came they might save you
But stay put awhile.




More haiku brilliance at Playgroups Are No Place for Children.

Haiku for you

Missing all my friends
Cravings for tacos and cake
I'm thinking of you.


Guy's calling me now
"Why do you need a haiku?"
Because it's Friday.


And a guest haiku from Guy . . .

I don't need haiku
I've much better things to do
Spend my time with you.


Sorry it's not so much today. But if you click here, you can find the rest of the bloggers writing some better quality and far more entertaining haiku.

Haiku Friday

Searching for balance

Family is priority
I know what I want.

More haiku links at Christina's blog. Happy Haiku Friday, everyone.

A contest, a haiku, and more about my boobs

My friend and I just got done from a lovely morning of bra shopping and lunch. We are both hard to fit, but for opposite reasons.

I am to the point where I take a bra off at the end of the day, and it leaves an imprint of every seam or piece of lace in the cup. Textured boobs. Lovely. So I figured it was time to buy one or two more to last me the next couple of months.

Turns out, we do indeed need a new adjective. G is for ginormous won't fit anymore, quite literally. Today I purchased as 36I. Yep. I.

Remembering that it is Haiku Friday, I submit my humble lines here:

My boobs are so large
I believe each weighs 10 pounds
Sure hope Bird's hungry.

T and I decided that I should have a contest. A boob pool, if you will. Here are the rules:

1. In the comments, take a guess at what you think the girls will require one week after giving birth. Right now, at 21 weeks, we are at 36I. Pre-pregnancy was 36DDD.
2. If you are a "no-reply" comment leaver, please include your email address. Otherwise, I can't let you know if you win.
3. By Valentine's Day, 2008 (I'm giving myself some leeway here because of the whole first time giving birth and all), I'll choose a winner from the correct guesses. I'll put the names into one of my bra cups and draw the winner at random.
4. The winner will receive a t-shirt from the Pennyrich Bra Patch. As of right now, she only sells Mediums and Smalls, so I can't promise it will be a t-shirt that fits you, but I asked her if she would order more today. She said she might, because the frat boys from NCSU love them. They are awesome shirts. T got one today, and she said I could post a picture of her in hers.
5. You have to guess before I write another post about my boobs, which could be anywhere from a week to a couple of months, depending on how much humor they provide me with.
   

That's it. A simple little contest. That won't be done until February, but hey. You know you want a Pennyrich Bra Patch t-shirt.

Haiku Friday

Jennifer and Christina have instigated Haiku Friday. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Post a haiku on your blog every Friday. I'm in, but still in spontaneous form. Blogging is fun. Editing and such? Not so much.

Where we all are now

Little Bird is here
Getting in his exercise
Never still for long.

Princess on the couch
Doggie stink to high heaven
Never moves that much.

Lovely is at school
Almost time to go get her
Never quiet long.

Pupstar waits for food
Wishes I would feed her now
Never tires of treats.

Guy is still at work
Tinkering with our genome
Never stops thinking.

And I am resting
Tired from our trip and week
Never happier.