More discoveries

In my first marriage, it was no secret that we would not have any children. I guess it is for this reason that I never considered myself part of the group of infertile women. It wasn't me who was infertile, it was us. It was my choice to try and adopt before going through infertility treatments. I coped by telling myself that I didn't really want to be pregnant anyway. I coped by telling myself that I knew this going into the marriage and had made my peace with it.

There was some truth to the second statement. I had made my peace with it going in. It was not my fault that my first husband couldn't have children naturally and then didn't have enough follow through to have children any other way either.

As I have connected with other women here in the blogosphere, I have met several who are going through fertility treatments. It has only recently occurred to me why I feel so deeply for them and connected to them. It has only recently occurred to me that even though the circumstances in my life have changed drastically, one thing has remained constant. I have been trying to have a baby for a very long time.

Another song from the vault today. This one was written in 1998. I was several days late. My first husband had something like a .05% chance of ever getting a woman pregnant. I had certainly not had sex with anyone else. So I thought, "Maybe." And I took the only pregnancy test of my life until last October.

And then I wrote this.