Positive is a tricky word

Much has changed since I started blogging a year ago. When I began, it was very much a journal. Whymommy read it. My friend Bach asked if she could peek in. As far as I knew, that was about it. As I started to learn more about blogging, I discovered Sitemeter, and in that discovery found out that every once and awhile, someone from China would pop in, or someone would search for "ovarian cancer," or "nekkid yoga" and end up here. It was all very strange to me.

Now, I feel as though I have people to talk to. The writing hasn't consciously changed, because I still need it to serve the purpose of working out my emotions in words. I need to write. This is where I start sorting it all out.

Last night, when Guy said, "You've already told everybody. . ." I didn't know what he meant.

He meant that I had already blogged about the pregnancy test. On the one hand, I guess I did post it here because there are so many of you who have been saying your prayers and sending your good wishes. I wanted you to know. You should know. On the other hand though, it is truly something that I will need to write about. Need. to. write.

I will need to write about it because it's important to me. Obviously. I will need to write about it because I'm scared. I will need to write about it because I already feel a disconnect, like I am trying my best not to get attached - just in case. And heaven forbid, if something goes wrong again, I will need to write about that too.

Just because people are reading, doesn't mean that I don't still use this blog for it's primary purpose - a journal. A record of what I was thinking and feeling. A map of how I came through it. It is my only scrapbook.

So I got a positive. Right now, I am pregnant. I am excited. I am so very happy. I am also not calling the doctor yet. I haven't rushed off to bulletin boards and joined up with other January moms. I am not adjusting my students' contracts for next year to reflect a maternity leave. I am not telling people in person. It is simply something that I want to talk about here.

Next week, I might get a negative. Maybe it's a chemical pregnancy. Maybe it's just a sack. I don't know these things. What I know is that pregnant doesn't always equal baby. I also know though that pregnant sometimes does.

I'm hoping for the pregnant equals baby this time. Hoping beyond hope.