Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? - 30 days of truth

Something that annoys me about myself is my need to state things in absolutes. Like a few months ago, I blogged about how Kevin and I were totally done having children. Our reasons are quite compelling, and I for one, am still pretty convinced that our decision will stick.


However.


And don't get your hopes up, Liz.


The other day, Kevin started a sentence with the words, "If we had another one . . ." and I swear I have no idea what he said after that because the "If we had another one" was too busy ringing in my ears.


So what if I was pregnant? 


It would be alright. We love our children. Kevin is an awesome father. Mallory is an amazing big sister. I love being a mama.

So, maybe.

Besides, sleep is over rated, and Kevin loves working. Which is good because IF we had another one, neither of us would sleep ever again, and he would have to work until he was 104.

But one more might not be a bad idea . . .

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 27 - What's the best thing you have going for you right now? - 30 days of truth

Let's be honest. I'm really not interesting enough to be doing 30 Days of Truth. I think four or five days of truth would have been sufficient. However, seeing as how we're so close to the end, I guess I'll power through.

Of course the answer to this is the same answer as my reason for living. My family. However, since we already know that, I'll give another answer.

I think the best thing I've got going for me are the new friends I've made since becoming a mama. Learning that friends come and go has been a hard thing for me. When the going doesn't coincide with the coming, it's even harder.

I've had a couple of friends go this year that were really difficult. There were no falling outs or fights, just fading. I don't like it. This time though, there were other friends that I had made who were right there. It made it so much easier to move on.

So you know who you are, I hope. The ones of you who have learned to put up with me. A couple of you live on my street, so I'm relieved that I'm not THAT neighbor. That you seem to like me alright. Then there's you who doesn't live as close, but dang if you aren't right near the coolest museum in the Triangle. And you, who want to move out of Raleigh for reasons that I completely understand, but I secretly hope that you'll not only not leave Raleigh, but move further in - as in on our street (see above mention of lovely people who would be your neighbors).

I'm thinking that new friends are what I have going for me right about now. New ones, and then old ones too. Like ones on the other end of a train ride. Ones I can't wait to see again.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? - 30 days of truth

I can't say honestly that I have. I have considered running out on life. Abandoning my responsibilities and hitting the road, but we know now that those thoughts come hand in hand with an urgent need to adjust the dosage of my SSRI.


I'll never forget one time when I was in high school, my dad and I were fighting, as we were so quick to do, and I said, "I wish I was dead." He replied with, "I'll get you a bottle of pills."


Makes him sound like a monster, and quite frankly, some days he was. He fought with me like a peer instead of a parent, and as quick as he was to anger - we fought a lot. 


He's not a monster though. What he said wasn't appropriate, and it didn't result in the expected jolt to reality that he probably intended. It just made me feel like he wished I was dead too.


It was a terrible feeling. 


It didn't last though, and Daddy didn't stay that way. The sad part is that shortly after he mellowed and changed was when he started getting sick. It's truly not fair.


What about you? I'm curious. What would it take to make you give up? Is there anything?


I don't think there is for me. Especially not now.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you are still alive today - 30 days of truth

Also appropriate for Thanksgiving Day.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs - 30 days of truth

I so don't have time to be doing this. I've been mulling it over all month now, and I wanted to make a detailed list and then actually compile it and give it to Mallory.

That hasn't happened. It's just too busy around here.

So, what I have instead are a list of the albums featuring female artists that I want her to listen to with me at some point. And no letter. Because really? Why would I write this in letter form? I'm not feeling that.

Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes and Under the Pink
Jonatha Brooke: Plumb, 10 Cent Wings, and Steady Pull
Julie Miller: Broken Things
Amy Grant: Lead Me On
Sundays: Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic
Sixpence None the Richer: This Beautiful Mess
Liz Phair: Exile in Guyville
The Cardigans: First Band on the Moon
Indigo Girls: Indigo Girls
Emmylou Harris: Wrecking Ball and Red Dirt Girl
Joni Mitchell: Court & Spark and Blue
Bjork: Debut
Sugarcubes: Stick Around for Joy
Sarah McLachlan: Touch, Solace, and Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
The Breeders: Last Splash
Juliana Hatfield: Hey Babe
The Story: Grace In Gravity and Angel in the House
Kathleen Edwards: Back to Me

Okay. I've got a table to set and some sleep to catch. That's all I got off the top of my head. I think that's a great start though.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life - 30 days of truth

I wish I had been braver.


I wish that I had not assumed that because a couple of girls in my class were mercilessly mean to me, that everyone hated me. I wish that I had trusted my old friends. I wish that I had been more open minded. I wish that I hadn't been so stoic. I wish that I hadn't been so defensive.


There is a large chunk of my life where I was friends with people I am no longer friends with. I think in one regard, that's normal. However, so many old friends have been reintroduced into my life - I can't help but feel a little regret that I veered from those friendships in the first place. I certainly wasn't moving on to greener pastures. That's for sure.


This isn't a great prompt for me. Someone who is trying to focus on living in the now. 


The more I thought about this one, the more I wanted to just type, "I wish I sucked less," but that's a little harsh, even for me. There is a little truth to it though. I do wish that I had been more successful for a longer period of time - at anything. There are things I did well, but I don't seem to have any staying power. I burn out. Move on. 


Maybe I wish I had been more gentle on myself along the way. Cut myself a break more often.


Maybe that just what I wish for the future.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life - 30 days of truth

So I'm copping out a little here. Just because I'm so tired of talking about ME this month, I could puke. So no soul bearing wishes here. Just an honest one.

I wish I hadn't played the flute. I hated the flute. I wanted to play the French horn. Or the cello. Or even the marimba.

But I wish I hadn't played the flute.

It's not a life shattering regret, mind you, but it fits the bill.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? - 30 days of truth

First, I pray.


Then, I go.


I've never had a hard time apologizing when I need to. I would apologize. And I would pray that she heard me and would be around to tell me what a jackhole I was the next day.


This was a weird prompt for me. I'm not really in the mood to pontificate over something fictional happening to my best friend. Call me grumpy.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol - 30 days of truth

My stars. How I love a lovely pepper tinged cocoa laced glass of Zinfindel. Or two. Or three. Or for crying out loud, who are we kidding, I was really more of a let's not waste a bottle of good wine by letting it sit on the counter kind of a gal.

So I don't do it. Drink, that is.

The truth is - and isn't that the point of this whole meme - that I think alcohol is - well - I guess I don't know. Because I've typed out five different endings to that sentence and deleted them all.

I think it's not for me. I'll just leave it at that.

And drugs? Holy cow. Not even going there.

I can honestly say that I'm a much better person clean, sober, and only medicated as directed by a doctor. 

Ahem. SSRI. God bless 'em. Ahem.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think about politics? - 30 days of truth

Many years ago, I was highly opinionated and quick to spout off my opinions whether you wanted to hear them or not. If I remember correctly, I was given the dubious honor of Best Lobbyist two years in a row at Youth Legislature. I was passionate about my causes and liked backing my almost manipulative persuasion up with hard cold facts.

It worked for awhile.

Somewhere along the way though, I got damaged. I don't know when or how exactly. There are a few events that stand out, but nothing that says, "POW. This is when your backbone broke."

Granted, I like the less abrasive, kindler, gentler me. I am far more likable now than I was 20 years ago, and I think that I'm far more reasonable as well.

So what do I think about religion? I think it's swell. I won't tell you that unless you ask. And even if you ask, I probably won't expand much.

I could easily just type out the Apostles Creed here to tell you what I believe, but I won't. I believe all of the things I learned in my church growing up except for one.

The one big thing that changed in my beliefs? The fact that I don't believe you are wrong if you believe something different from me. My vision of religion and faith is far bigger than it used to be, and most likely, it includes you, no matter what.

Politics? I think politics suck. I don't like 'em.

And that's that.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Between all the blogging, life still goes on

I love how Colin is giving turn signals in the cart.


While blogging my way through the 30 Days of Truth, I find myself having little time left to write about my actual life. My love life. My life loves.

Colin has teeth. Lots of teeth. He likes to bite me and laugh when I wince. It's not one of his more endearing qualities, except that when he laughs, the sky opens up and jellybeans fall down while choirs of bunnies sing scat songs. In other words, his laugh is awesome. Wicked funny, and a little bit weird. Kind of throaty. Heh heh like.

He's moving. Crawling. Trying his best to pull up, but the girth on that boy has him firmly rooted to the ground. I can't say that I'm all that sorry about that. He's already making straight shots to whatever he shouldn't have. Electrical cords. Dog bowls. Trash cans. Toilet brushes. Shoes. And all of it, everything he touches, goes right into the mouth. Nasty.

That boy loves his family. For a little bit, it was just, "that boy loves his mama." Now? He claps when Kevin walks in the door. He crawls around after Christopher like a little puppy. And Mallory is the only other person beside Mama and Daddy that Colin ever reaches out for. He started this special head bobbing thing just for her at the dinner table. She smiles at him, and then he cocks his head over to the side and "heh heh's" at her while looking so stinking adorable that you want to sell him on Etsy.

Christopher is about to grow again. Rather, is growing already. His pants are getting shorter and I'm letting the adjustable waists out weekly. He finally out grew his sneakers. We bought new ones three months ago because I was sure he was about to out grow his, but he didn't. He just plateaued right where he was for awhile. Now it's game on. Boyfriend is going to sprout, I'm afraid. Just please don't out grow your winter clothes, Bird. I can't afford to buy you new ones, and I like the ones you have already.

The main battle with Christopher right now is the dinner table. He just won't eat what I cook for dinner. I feel like I've tried everything, and what I really want to settle into is that it's not a battle. Just let go, Mama. But some nights I get so frustrated that he isn't going to eat anything again, and I know he will wake up in the morning and eat a huge breakfast, and I lose it. I mean what kid doesn't like sweet potatoes? He used to love them. He used to love lots of things. Which makes me think that it's not about taste at all. That it's either about power or it's about texture. I'm leaning more towards power. Whatever it is, I know it's a phase. Deep breath, and this too will pass.

The big news is that we got a new fence across the front of the backyard today. It's not pretty, but at least the dogs won't get out now. I swear that Setter wants a new family something awful. Our leather sofa just isn't good enough for her anymore. I can't say that I blame her really. I shave her myself now instead of letting her show coat grow out and get groomed. It is so beneath her.

There is more. A baptism has finally happened. My parents have been here. My brother even. But that is a post for another day. I'm still savoring the visit for myself.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage - 30 days of truth

My momma is a Presbyterian minister. She went to a seminary where they believe that women shouldn't be ministers. Can you imagine that? This day and age, there are still people who believe that women shouldn't be ministers or leaders in the church.

I find that so strange.

It is so easy for me to see that these people have misinterpreted the Bible, or their translation of it, to warp women into subservient roles in religion.

My views on homosexuality are the same. 

And even if it had nothing to do with religion, I have to say that the whole idea that we can tell certain members of our society that they can't get married just because they are the same gender? Baffles me.

Granted, this is not an invitation to explain it to me. I'm quite sure I've heard your arguments before. I'm just saying they sound like this to me, "Blah blah blah, different, blah, blah, blah, scared, blah, blah."

No disrespect meant. I mean that.

Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something - 30 days of truth

If only I had read this one a little sooner. Christopher's birth story could have been so very different.


I had never considered midwives, birth centers, home births, or intervention free birth. I didn't know these things existed in real life. I thought in theory that they were good ideas, but I wasn't sure they really happened.


Then I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. It totally changed my perspective, just not in time for me to make the leap for my first birth. It's inspirational, encouraging, and is a great read for any expecting mama. It changed the way I thought about birth and the possibilities of labor and delivery. 


Also, Knuffle Bunny Too. I totally thought it was pronounced "nuffle," and it rocked my world when Trixie pronounced it "KUH-nuffle." 


Deep.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

More birthdays

The number of times Momma and I have bemoaned the fact that she wouldn't make it to 70 when her mother made it to 97 is now quite laughable.

I'm telling your age, Reverend Mother. Happy 70th Birthday. Thanks for sticking it out with us.



More birthdays

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without - 30 days of truth

Leg hair

Torn cuticles

Picardy thirds

Yanni

Pickled herring

Angelina Jolie

Plugged ducts

Anything in a size 2

Reality TV (save the Amazing Race)

Cramps

Bad gas mileage

Zack Wilde

Victoria's Secret

and

Paying for shipping

The End.

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried to live without it - 30 days of truth

I could easily site this blog as the thing I just can't quit. I've tried a few times to quit, but I always come back. I've made lots of changes and implemented my own new policies along the way, but I always come back. Blogging is a learn as you go thing. At least for me it is. Regardless, I'm not quitting anytime soon.

Really though, what I REALLY can't live without - what I know I can't live without because I've tried so many many many times to quit - is Diet Coke.

How pathetic is that?

Here you go. From the now defunct Deep South Moms Blog, from back in April 2009, is my letter to Diet Coke. I think it was my first syndicated post. Meh. Who cares? It makes me chuckle a little.

**********************************************


Dear Diet Coke,

I don't know what it is about you. I have quit smoking without the aid of gums or patches. I have quit drinking cold turkey when we think there might be a second line appearing on a pregnancy test. I can stick to a diet when I need to drop a few pounds. It wouldn't be unfathomable to call me a woman with self control.

But you, sweet elixir of life, I just can't quit you.

Sixteen weeks into this pregnancy and I still can't seem pass up on a giant, ice cold, frothy fountain Diet Coke. Even though I stopped buying cases of you to keep in my fridge at home, I find myself looking for excuses to get out of the house and hit the nearest drive thru.

Nothing else can take your place. Your inbred cousin, Diet Coke with Splenda, just doesn't cut it. I took him out for a tango when I was pregnant with my first child. I just wasn't satisfied. A real Coke is so full of sugar that my teeth feel like they are wearing sweaters after the third sip. A cup of coffee will curb the desire for caffeine, but it doesn't bring me that effervescent joy that you do.

I have long proclaimed that there is something more addictive about you than in any other soft drink. I knew long before I evern dreamed of being pregnant that you were my one vice. Every thing else could come and go, but you never would loosen your grip on me.

Damn you, Diet Coke. I blame you and your spurious sweetness that bubbles up, taunting me from the McDonald's down the street. You are so bad for me, and yet oh so good.

Sincerely,
An unabashed addict

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down - 30 days of truth

I almost forgot. That would have been frustrating.


But I've had this sitting in "edit" mode for days now, trying to think of someone that I considered a hero in the first place.


In order to have a hero who has let you down, you must first have had a hero. I can't think of one.


There are people I admire greatly. Momma. Susan. Liz. Gail. Kara. Cyndi. Abby. Amy. Too many many many to list. But I wouldn't hold them to the status of hero because it's not fair. They are, after all, human just like me.


Not exactly the soul searching post you might have been expecting, I know. I probably let you down. Hope I wasn't your hero.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire listhere.

Day 13 - A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough ass days - 30 days of truth

Really? Do I have to? This is going to be so very embarrassing.

Dear Tori,

If there hadn't been 50 other people standing behind Her Magesty's Theatre, and if it hadn't been just the first of dozens of shows you would do for Under the Pink, and if I could have garnered enough strength to say anything other than a shallow, high-pitched, "thank you," you might remember me as the girl with the star paper letter that I pressed into your hand across the rope, behind the theater in London.

Or maybe you wouldn't. It doesn't matter really.

What matters is that even though it was a life time ago, I still think of you when I think of an artist who changed my life and got me through some tough ass days.

I listened to your songs over and over and over. Your words felt like they had burst from my own heart. Your piano taught me new ways to play. New ways to write. New ways to listen.

A couple of years after that, I worked a show you played in Mississippi. Your chef had me running all over the place looking for Ben and Jerry's ice cream, which Mississippi didn't have yet. I know. Hard to believe. You came in and ate a plate of food by yourself. I didn't want to bother you, so I just sat across the room from you sending you subliminal messages of, "I love you." Because I was a little crazy then. And now, but that's no matter.

I admit, I haven't followed you the way I thought I would. I drifted from you somewhere around Strange Little Girls. That doesn't mean that you don't still mean the world to me.


And in the mist
There she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight
And I ride to work every morning
Wondering why
"Sit in the chair and be good now" 
And become all that they told you
The white coats enter her room
And I'm callin' my baby 
Callin' my baby
Callin' my baby
Callin' everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own.


I'm closer to 40 than 30 and certainly far away from 20 now. But I'm pleased to tell you that I'm finally my own.

Sincerely,
me

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on - 30 days of truth

My small, perky breasts.

Heh. Actually, I'm assuming it's supposed to be something that is true about me that no one ever compliments.

No one ever compliments me on my ability to sing a quarter tone off with any tune. Wait, that's not true. Uncle Dave does.

No one ever compliments me on my smile.

It's crooked, and I have the proverbial gap between my front two teeth. Lusty, if you believe Canterbury Tales. My teeth are discolored from years of Diet Coke abuse, and if I smile too widely, you will see the splatters of silver fillings that dot several of my molars.

I'm afraid though, that it's not the physical appearance of my smile that prevents people from complimenting me on it. I'm afraid that it's because they don't see it often enough.

As I watch Christopher in a crowd or when someone approaches him to chat - I see myself. He becomes stoic. His lips close, his eyes open wide, and he begins assessing the situation by withdrawing from it to become an observer. He isn't unhappy, but he definitely isn't smiling.

I know I model that for him. It's probably part nature, part nurture, but I would like to model more smiling. I would like for him to hear me get compliments on my smile. I would like to teach him that a smile can truly light up a room. Especially his smile. It is beautiful, and I would like for us both to use our smiles more often.

Day 11 - Something people compliment you the most on - 30 days of truth

Praise is a huge motivator for me. I consider that one of my flaws. I wish that I could do things just to do them and not worry that someone will later praise me for it. So far, no success there. I still want to hear that I rock. And staying at home? You don't hear that much.

A wise woman and blogger who I respect a ton told me that she had found that volunteering at her son's school had given back some of the affirmation and appreciation that she used to get from the workplace. I need to do something like this - get plugged back in. 

Here and there I get compliments on my biscuits, my pound cake (both straight from my momma's kitchen), and my red velvet cake (thank you, Aunt May). I used to get complimented on my hair and my legs. Not the hair on my legs, mind you. And every once in awhile, I'll get a compliment on my writing. Those are nice.

I guess what I consistently get complimented the most on though is my voice. Which is kind of funny because I spent 18 years of my life in piano lessons, but just open my mouth and sing. Au natural, heh.

My favorite vocal compliment? Came from a review. Called the backing vocals I added to a CD "angelic." Also worth noting, it's the only time anyone has dared referred to me as such.

If I really dig deep, what I would like to be able to claim I'm most complimented on, it would be that I'm a good mama. I want to be known for my patience and guidance. I want people to notice that I'm in tune with my boys and teach them through example. I want for someone to be able to pay me the compliment of, "Your boys are such kind people."

That's my goal.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.