My brother and I made a pact. We would not go to California unless it was going to produce final results. We would take care of everything over the phone, staying in complete contact with each other and standing together on all decisions. So why am I in California all alone?

Guy and I cancelled our vacation to stay in TN with my brother so that he and I could make a plan. Implement a plan. Stand firm. Mom and Dad needed home health care months ago. Even before Mom's diagnosis and chemo. We told them this repeatedly. They declined to do anything about it.

Dad doesn't sleep well at night. I'm one to talk, but that's another story. He gets up during the night, but then he can't get back down. The bed is too tall. My mother loves the bed and the hand knotted canopy that hangs above it. Which itself is probably dust and germ laden, and I could go on, but you get the point I'm sure.

There are things about their lives that they have been unwilling to change. Can I blame them really? They aren't supposed to have to yet. They aren't supposed to be old.

This past week, Bro and I made great strides with Dad. We even got him to agree to home health care overnight for himself. Then there was the Nose.

The Nose is a "friend" of my parents. She presented herself to me during this episode of the soap opera that is my parents' life by calling to ask me for my aunt's phone number. "You know, the one who lives in Georgia?"

Yes, I know my aunt that lives in Georgia, thank you. No, you may not have her phone number. She is my aunt, I'll call her. Why are you trying to call our family members anyway?

Turns out, she's been calling my parents' friends back in Mississippi, talking to doctors, nurses, and basically deciding that she was in charge of this family.

Wrong. She made a big mistake Saturday. Bro and I had asked the one person that we both trust to be at the meeting with Daddy and the home health lady. The Nose called and said she was going to be staying with my dad anyway, so why didn't she just tell our person not to come. I said fine. I thought it was fine. We only wanted there to be an extra set of ears so that they could help Dad remember what was said.

Only the Nose took it upon herself to say to the home health person, "He has a lot of his plate right now," and "We really have this under control, you know. He is going to come and stay with us at our house."

WHAT????? I specifically told the Nose earlier in the week that Daddy needed to be at home. Staying in other houses is terrible on him. He falls. He gets confused. He doesn't rest. It is not an option. And there she was, completely sabotaging every effort Bro and I had made. Every bit of progress. Daddy sent the home health people away. All because of the Nose.

The kicker is that I told the Nose that she was only to listen, and that we needed to make sure that she was going to support this decision if she was to be present. Looking back, I realize what she said was this, "I agree that someone needs to be with your dad at night."

Manipulative bitch.

By the way, I ripped her a new one over the phone and then got in lots of trouble with my dad. I actually was quite pleased that he was lucid enough to be completely and totally pissed at me and tell me to apologize. So pleased that I actually did apologize to the Nose. I apologized for the tone of voice that I used and then stated that I didn't apologize for anything I said, which included several "how dare you's" and "what gives you the right's" and "you are to keep your opinions and control issues out of our family's."

Is there a point? Yes, a couple.

I'm now in California. Yesterday, I spent 12 hours in a car driving across I-40 to get home. Then, the Nose caused me to have to get on a plane less than 12 hours after I got home and fly across the country to try and salvage what little progress we had made with Dad in the past week. Plus, I thought I had better get my sorry ass out here and make him a pound cake before he decided to hold a marathon grudge against me for putting the Nose in her place and thereby embarrassing him in the process.

The second point is a really just a thought. Someone else from my mom's church tried to explain the Nose's inappropriate behavior by telling me how much she loved my parents and that it scared her to see them slipping away. Therefore, the control freak in her came out and took over.

Am I the only one that is appalled by this? She is scared of losing them? Aren't they my parents? Hasn't she known them for 7 years to my 33? Am I supposed to care? Am I supposed to help her feel better by letting her run the show? Ummmm, NO.

Then it hit me. When my parents die, or when just one of them dies, all the needy people they collected in their lives are going to come to me and suck me dry. It hit me that when my grandfather died, I couldn't stand to be in the room with all those sad people. Visitation was torture. I wanted to be sad, and I didn't want anyone else being sad around me, making me feel like I had to make them feel better. I don't know how I'm going to deal with my parents' funerals. I've got to get a handle on that, because it can't be a repeat of Granddaddy's funeral. That was just a disaster, but good material to write about someday.

Lucky for me, there was no grudge. He was happy to see me and I was happy to see him. I don't know what will happen this week, but I know that Bro and I have now taken back control of our family and we ain't ever letting it slip away again. They are our parents. We love them, and we will take care of them. So there.

I sit now feeling old. I sit with an ice pack on my right ankle, a welt on my left knee, my right wrist is swollen, and my left shoulder aches.

When you are an adult, you fall further and harder on skates. No matter how fast and smooth you can skate on your own, if a flailing 6 year old pulls you down 3 times on roller skates, you will hurt.

And I do.

Ouch.

And it was fun. Great big loads of fun.

So a big hell yeah goes to Zoot. Miss Zoot has a very enjoyable blog. I don't remember how I found her, but I'm sure it was through a blog roll. She was blogging about Blingo and I signed up as one of her Blingo friends. Now I'm officially a blog stalker I guess.

She also is a way cool designer. There are multiple blog designs that she lets you download for free. I'm trying to decide what to send her. Money or baked goods. I think money would be far less scary, but I don't know how much? Too little would be insulting and too much would again, be scary.

So for now, thanks to Zoot. My blog envy is on the way to being culled. Now I just have to learn what to do with all the links above and to the side. I'll get there.

I have learned a valuable lesson. If you put your only child in a house with four children ages 9 months to 10 years who all attend school and/or day care, the only child will soon get sick.

After a trip to the urgent care and then to the local Kroger pharmacy where the pharmacist took it upon himself to alter the prescription to read "substitute" and give us a generic drug, we have a Lovely without clouds.

Even with all the snot, Lovely has announced that Guy and I are boring. I have never been so happy to be boring. I was beginning to think that she was just an adult trapped in the body of a 10 year old. This week I have discovered that in fact, she is a normal 10 year old. She enjoys bowling with other kids, playing video games with other kids, and all sorts of normal kid things. She only hangs out with us 24/7 because there are no kids to play with.

Tonight, we are taking them skating. Guy and I are supposed to stay out of the way and let her be a kid with her cousins. I make no promises. I am a mad woman on skates.

The past week has been hell on earth. Momma is in the ICU on a ventilator. The people from her church have let her down. They have been completely hypocritical.

For over a year, my brother and I have been trying to get help for my parents in their home. They have pushed it away over and over again. Every time my mother goes in the hospital, the church folk ask us what we need. We always say, "Someone please stay with my father." Then he sends them away, saying that he doesn't need help. They turn around, go home, and think they've done their churchly duty.

This week has been different.

The Reverend Mother is gone. She is out of commission. She is on a ventilator, and those people who go to see my mother, instead see my father, shaking in the corner, unable to form a sentence.

They decided to listen to us. They decided to stay with my father all night. Then they decided to begin to call my brother and myself and tell us how much we needed to come out there and stay with my father.

We said no.

No.

No.

No.

Thanks for keeping them out there for so long that now she has the possibility of dying across the country from us. So sorry that my father kept you up all night and peed on your floor while trying to get to your bathroom.

We told you. I came to you. I went multiple times and bared my soul, telling you that my father was weak and needed help.

You decided instead of listening to me and realizing that it was HARD to admit that my father, my daddy, the lawyer, the kicker-of-ass in the courtroom, NEEDED help to get to the bathroom at night, that it was okay to dismiss me.

Now, you issue me a deadline. You tell me that it is too hard to find people to stay with my dad at night. They are too tired in the morning. He can't make it to the bathroom. He is confused and disoriented at night. You tell me that I have to find someone by tomorrow night.

Screw you.

So I thought about going back to church one time. I went. The air conditioner was broken. People I didn't know tried to hug me. We sang insincere songs about Jesus being my boyfriend. It sucked.

Then, these lovely church people at my parents church are as supportive as their Bissell steam cleaner will take them. So my daddy pees on himself at night. No shit. We have been telling you that for months.

Now, you have to deal with it.

We are coming to move them. No sooner. We are not coming to wipe up after him. We are only coming to move them. You will have to step up and deal with them until then.

Good luck. You will need it. We have tried everything but luck, and every time, we come up short.

Tonight, I sat and listened to my brother try to convince my father to call his doctor and order his own home health care. Please, Daddy, call your doctor and admit to him that you need someone to stay with you so that you can get up in the night and make it to the bathroom in time. No, Daddy, we still respect you. Yes, Daddy, we want you to still have your dignity.

We are so sorry, church folk, that you have had to clean up piss. I would give anything to have him close enough to me to clean up his piss. Why don't you get a life? Leave my parents alone and let them go. You obviously can't handle it. We can.

I'm ready for people to actually help me help them instead of running around talking about helping them.

I'm so tired.

Oh, and by the way, I'm on "vacation" this week. Translated, I cancelled all plans and am hanging out at my brother's house trying to be an adult and make plans for my parents who haven't transferred power of attorney to us.

I'm so tired.

My mother has had a fever for at least 5 weeks now. Today, on the phone, I actually heard her cough. Then I actually thought to myself, "my mother is going to die."

There is some sort of infection. Instead of thinking in terms of how to kick it, she is thinking in terms of how to stay out of the hospital because Daddy can't handle it. She will die if she doesn't beat the infection. She will either die of the infection, or she will die of cancer because they have ceased giving her chemo until she is "well."

Ironic, no?

In the midst of this, they have purchased a house in Jackson, Tennessee, that is right around the corner from my brother. Tonight, on the phone, he said something about how I was lucky that they weren't going to be my neighbors. I laughed. I laughed to keep the peace because I will be at his house for a visit in less than 72 hours. I will be bringing my new husband and stepdaughter to meet him for the first time in less than 72 hours. Considering that yelling is his soft mode of communication, peace is good.

This is why I blog.

Screw him. I'm lucky? I'm lucky they won't be my neighbors? I spent weeks of my time researching places for them to live, doctors for them to see, and I FREAKING QUIT MY JOB so that I could take care of them and the rest of my family, and I'm lucky? Oh my sweet lord. I could chuck this pc across the room right now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, everyone continues to make pretty steps towards the big move to Jackson, and all I have to say tonight is this:

I do not believe that my mother will make it to Christmas. They have already started hanging the wreaths Downtown, and I don't believe my mother will make it to Christmas.

Suck ass. Suck complete and utter ass. Oh, and ho, ho, fucking ho.

It's 11:15 PM. Lovely and I are still up. She's reading Harry Potter and I'm, well, I'm doing this. Guy was supposed to be home from a meeting at 10:00 PM. This is the first night that I've been in charge.

I picked Lovely up from school today. In all honesty, I tried to pick her up from the middle school. That didn't work out so well since she is in the 5th grade and doesn't go to the middle school. When I arrived at the appropriate school finally, they didn't want me to have her because I wasn't on "the list." Admirable, but slightly annoying since we now share the same last name and address as indicated on my driver's license which they did ask to see.

So who was on "the list?" The Ex was of course. Papa. The Ex’s friend. And a couple of other people I've never heard of. Emergency contacts? Not Guy. Just his Ex's friend. The friend who decided it was a good idea to waltz into our yard uninvited and walk menacingly around Guy’s new convertible. The friend who then decided it was a good idea not to get off the property when asked nicely, but rather to get in Guy’s face and ask, "What is wrong with you?"

God, I live on Jerry Springer some days. Please just don't let me wake up in a trailer next to my 1st cousin.

Anyway, I did get to leave with Lovely. It was awesome. When she came down the hall and saw me - she did a full body grin. I swear. It was the coolest. So then I took her to Justice and bought her $300 worth of clothes.

Crappy stepmom.

Granted, she needed clothes so, I bought her some clothes.

Jeez I can't lie. I bought her a lot of clothes. Including a smooth leather(ish) jacket and little plaid skirt that basically says, "I may be 10, but I rock out and kick ass." All she needs now is boots.

Then, I stopped at a fast food restaurant and bought her a "Bo-Berry Biscuit." I think it's a Southern thing. They take a perfectly good biscuit, put fake blueberries all in it, drizzle, and by drizzle, I mean drown it in sugary icing and sell it to crappy stepmoms like myself. Paired with sweet tea, you have enough calories and caffeine to keep the child up to 11:26 PM.

I should so put her to bed. She's reading though, and when I met her, she hated to read. I was so sad. I bought her Judy Blume books for her birthday, The Incredible Journey, and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I wanted her to love to read. So, now, I'm supposed to stop her?

Crappy stepmom.

Now I find myself going back on my word that she could just get ready for bed and then wait up for her dad. I so do not want to have to put this child to bed and have her not get to see her dad tonight. What is my freaking problem?

Oh, and I don't know what "best friend charms" are. I suck. Someone please help.

The thing that sucks most about having a distorted body image it that when you are thin, you don't appreciate it.

One of my personal goals is that before I get pregnant, I want to be okay with my body. For once in my life, I would like to look in the mirror and like what I see. The ironic part is that I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life and trying to accomplish this while attempting to lose about 15 pounds.

Trying to diet and tell yourself, "You're okay," at the same time is pretty funny. I'm eating 300 calorie lunches while staring at my body in the morning trying to become comfortable with my new 30 something shape. It's like some sort of cruel joke.

I don't need to look like a supermodel. I've outgrown thinking I need to be 5'8" and 130 pounds. I would like to keep the muffin top to a minimum and still be comfortable in a swimsuit. Surely I can get my twisted mind around that without going all freaking anorexic.

And if I make it to my weight goal, am I going to appreciate it this time? Will I be able to look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl. You look good." or will I just see the residual love handles?

The one thing I've never read about eating disorders is that physical problems aside, they leave a scar on your body image that seems to never go away. Even though I understand how unhealthy being anorexic is, I still don't think I ever looked thin. I was 5'8" and 105 pounds before I got help. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't think, and don't remember myself, as being thin. Getting over the disorder in order to eat is one thing. Restructuring your thinking into seeing yourself as a normal person is quite another.

What I would like is to just like me. Now and 20 pounds from now in either direction.

Every morning, Guy wakes me up the same way. He pulls my head over onto his chest, starts stroking my hair, and says, "So do you still like being Mrs. Guy?" To which I nuzzle in closer and nod "yes" with all the nodding I can muster while still in the 30 minute process of waking up.

You see, I am what Guy calls a "grumpykins." I do not wake up well in the mornings. Since getting to wake up next to him, it is better. His daily question does have a lovely way of making me smile first thing in the morning, and smiling first thing in the morning tends to make the rest of your day easier to bear.

I've been working in charity for almost 6 years now. The music school that I run is a non-profit organization that gives music lessons to children from low-income families for $1 per week. It is a service, or a charity. The lessons cost the school $26 each, so essentially, every half-hour of operation, there is another $25 to make up in grants and donations.

This past week, I've been reconsidering the purpose and value of charity. I even thought that I might be turning into a Republican. Lest I lose a reader right here and now, at the end, I decide that I'm not.

What I decided was that there are 2 types of charity.

There is charity that believes the recipient is less fortunate and somehow beneath the giver. It is out of the giver's kindness and general superdooperness that this unfortunate soul will be lifted up out of its misery.

Then there is the charity that believes that the recipient is equal to the giver and therefore deserves the help being given so that the two might have a chance at the same opportunities in life.

After serving my community for almost 6 years, watching my first marriage crumble as I spent 50 plus hours a week at this part-time job, and more than doubling the school's services and annual budget, I was called a racist last week.

The short story is I had to write a disciplinary letter to a parent who was completely out of line with one of our faculty members. I don't like to do it, but teachers can be hard to keep, and I have to stand behind them when they are mistreated.

The parent responded with a handful of letters to me, the Board President, and the city arts commission. She had her venting opportunity, and I think that will be the end of it. I certainly don't send disciplinary letters without support and approval of the Executive Committee, so it's not like I just flew one off the handle and sent it for kicks. They were aware, informed, and in agreement.

The point is that she declared that the school and myself were a bunch of racists. She said that she had noticed at recitals that the black children were given less challenging pieces than the white children. Never mind that I can't think of a single white child in the program who is an advanced student. There are some intermediate and advanced Latinos and Asian Indians, but since they are not black, I guess that makes them white.

She stated that I always try to make them grateful and if they are some sort of charity.

Um. Sorry to point this out, but you are. I remind people who supports us, and yes, I expect everyone at the school to be grateful. That includes me, the families, the teachers, and the Board. When people give you things, you say thank you.

So I went around and around about how that made me feel. The first stop was at the misconception that all my work was futile and I should never have left the deep South where I was never surprised when someone randomly called me a racist for no bloody reason. I thought I was stupid for trying to be a private school educated white woman running an organization that serves mostly African American students. Who was I to think that I could do that without being considered a uppity racist trying to help the poor black children.

After a few more stops at self pity, more anger, and the one that I almost declared Republican at, I found myself at the stop of, "This is not my issue."

Not once have I ever thought that I was helping the poor black children until this woman suggested it to me. It has been and will continue to be my stance that every child deserves a music education, not just those whose families have expendable income with which to provide it. I do not care what color you are, where you came from, or why you don't have enough money to provide it. The children deserve it because they are just like all the other children.

So next time you write a check to a charity, stop and think why you are writing it. Are you writing it because you want to help fellow human beings and try to make the human playing field a little more even whenever you can? Or is there some other reason that you feel the need to write that check?

Pity is cheap to pay in but expensive to pay out. Compassion is a much better bargain.

Deborah commented to me today that Lovely seemed to be adjusting remarkably well to her new family construction. I agreed and tossed in how I knew that we would hit our rough spots and I was ready for it and I would be patient, yah, yah, blah. Deborah said that things might happen and they might not. "I never got the stepmom thing from my kids," she said.

That's probably because she just called them "her" kids. She accepted them right away and loved them for who they were, where they were, and whatever they were to become.

As much as I am learning to love her, I have yet to do that with Lovely. Right now, she still feels like someone else's child. Guy has already jumped right in and introduces me and "our daughter" to people like I'm the one who gave birth to her. It makes me a little uneasy; like someone is going to point and yell, "Fraud!"

Fraud is a fear of mine. For whatever reason, I have always felt like I'm just getting by in whatever I'm doing. I don't know if it is because I never planned to be a piano teacher and I never planned to be an arts administrator, or if it is some other misfiring in my brain. I swear, I'm standing in the White House, receiving an award for the school that I run, Laura freaking Bush is shaking my hand and I'm thinking, "Why am I here, and how can I keep them from finding out that it shouldn't be me?"

I would love to start taking piano lessons again myself. There are so many things that I want to learn: better technique, how to really play jazz, and a breadth of literature that I know I missed out on in my younger years. So far, what stops me from starting is fear of fraud. My students place in so many competitions that I have developed this reputation in the area as being a kickass teacher. Why then do I still feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants? If I were to sign up for lessons, then someone in my own profession would find out how very little I know and how very little I can play of the standard classical repertoire, and I would be found out as a fraud.

So I go about my days, doing the best that I can and praying that no one finds out that I am less than I seem. Stated that way, I think maybe I could use therapy. Of course, that would mean actually talking to someone, and having them find out that in fact, I am less put together than I seem. Just a big fraud.

Although I would be delighted if a giant cookie rolled out of that truck, it is in fact, something much much better.

Thanks to some really strong guys and pretty ingenious piano moving tools, I am now the proud owner of a 6'4" Mason & Hamlin grand piano.

The joy comes not just in playing it, hearing it played, and sitting staring at it praying it doesn't vanish out of my imagination - there is joy in the feeling of validation.

I am a pianist. A musician. A singer. A composer. A teacher. And now, I have an instrument that makes me feel valid. Like I'm doing this for real.

It's like a computer programmer using a Commodore 64 to program, or if Emeril was cooking in the woods over an open fire. Most professions require certain tools specific to that profession. Mine is no different.

In a month, I lose my title of Executive Director. Now, it doesn't bother me quite as much.

I am a musician.

Thank you, Guy.

Update below.

There is not an accurate way to describe dealing with Guy’s ex-wife. This is supposed to be a journal, and thereby assumed to be the truth, but if I began detailing the actions of Ex, no one would believe me.

Since my parents are on hiatus from impending doom at the moment though, I thought I would give it a shot.

Voicemails from Ex start a few different ways. The most frequent is a sickeningly sweet voice, like a 1-900 number has dialed us up by mistake, saying "Hellooo, (enter stupid pet name here), this is your number one wife FOREVER calling . . .blah blah blah."

Then we have the, "Why don't you both start cheating on each other now so we can get this temporary marriage over with? blah blah blah."

Occasionally, we get one that is so insane that we cannot understand what she is saying. It is banshee shrieking by someone and difficult to translate.

She likes to tell us that our marriage is temporary. I am still a mistress (which would be a different story if I ever was one to begin with). There is no combating her either. When you answer the phone, she starts in with her questions that never end long enough to say, "shut up." "Quit calling." "None of your business." She literally does. not. quit. yelling. It is the most insane behavior I have ever seen. There are no boundaries with Ex. Even though I have never even met her, she feels the absolute right to demean me, discuss me, stalk me, google me, scream at me over the phone, and attempt to bully me into not being with her ex-husband. Number one wife, forevah.

There is humor to this. She is usually a good source of laughter for Guy and me. Not because we are unusually cruel, but because she is unusually unrelenting. There is also sadness though. The other 50% of the time, Lovely is with her. Lovely gets screamed at and told that she is a traitor for liking me. I have told her to throw me under the truck, please, just throw me under the truck. Just tell her you hate me and I'm evil, and I smell funny too. Lovely just looks at me and says, "It's not right to lie."

Unbelievable. Today, as we stood side by side looking out the upstairs window waiting with our breath drawn for Ex to arrive and pick her up, I told her, "You are amazing." She just said, "Thanks." There was no explanation needed. So if I'm the big bad stepmonster and all around evil mistress, why then did I just have to pry Lovely's arms from around me and dry her tears so that she could go with her mother this afternoon?

Crazy is as crazy does. I choose not to fight back, but to remain silent and pick up the pieces every time that Ex breaks them down. This is my family, and I love them. Bring it on. I'm ready to just stand here, take it, and shield your own daughter from as much of the negativity as I can.

It seems that Ex will continue to look for me and whatever information she can on the internet. Therefore, I will not post about her anymore. I debated on reposting this, and I did edit it. It's best not to issue judgements I suppose, and from now on, there will not be any new posts about her specifically. Trust me though, you won't be missing much.

Belk is a very Southern department store. In Mississippi, I would equate it to McRae's. You go there to register for your china, crystal, towels, and stainless flatware. Sterling silver was registered at the locally owned Judy Martin's.

I have a Belk card. I love it because they do a nifty 30-60-90 program with no interest so I can do some shopping and pay for it in 3 neat payments and be done. Fabulous. If only I can find something I want to wear. Often times, they have great sales because the stuff I like is usually stuff that has been left behind by the women 20 years older than me who typically shop there. A great Calvin Klein silk skirt marked down to $25 makes my day.

So I called Belk today to change my name and address. It is the second time I have called their customer service line ever, and the second time I got a nice lady on the phone who sounds exactly like your grandmother.

Do they really hire grandmothers to answer the phone for customer service? They are certainly not outsourcing to India. But really, do they hire little old ladies to run their 800 line for customer service?

My theory though is this: no one wants to yell at their grandmother. It takes a seriously disturbed individual to yell at an old lady. The first time I got the grandmother on the phone at Belk, I did in fact have an account problem. They were posting my payments the day after the checks cleared according to my bank, and then charging me a late fee. I was pissed. So I call the 800 number, and found myself trying to be polite and angry at the same time because it was someone's grandmother on the phone. After a very long time and lots of lovely Southern chatting, I was eventually refunded the late fees they tried to suck out of me and Granny told me about 8 times to "Have a lovely day." I just couldn't be angry at them anymore.

I don't know about you, but I think Sprint could take a lesson from Belk.

So I went to post the link to McRae's and just found out that they have been bought by Belk. Interesting. Or maybe it's not.

My best friend has started a blog. It looks sharp, sounds intelligent, and has little details like a blog roll and such. I am mightily impressed and now want to figure out how to do more than type the inside of my brain into an unedited box and hit "publish post."

She is terrific really. I'm would like to say so much about her, but want for it to be thoughtful. Maybe spend some time as a draft for a few days first.

What I can say now is that not only is she creative, she really is a rocket scientist. I occasionally use this to excuse my own flakiness and general stupidity, because you know, my best friend is a rocket scientist. Then I remember that I have not once felt smaller or less accomplished in her presence. She has a beautiful way of making everyone she meets feel their most intelligent and their best while around her.

If anyone is out there reading, take a break from my rambling and go visit her at Toddler Planet.

Lately, I find myself angry and often I don't know why.

Friends tell me not to worry about it, that I have a right to be angry. I love them for understanding when really, I don't agree.

My parents have gotten the raw end of the deal. Instead of planning their retirement, now they are planning where they will die. Melodramatic? Maybe a little. Unfortunately, it is also true. Am I happy about it? Not in the least.

Hold it up for comparison though, and I end up wondering, "Do I have the right to be angry?"

If I was a nicer person, I might answer that question with the woes of the world and the scores of people who have it worse than me and my family does. Tonight though, I don't care about them.

This week, I actually got angry at my mom because she drove too many places. She drove too many places and did too many things and got tired. So I was angry at her. She spent 10 days in the hospital after her first round of chemo. Now, as soon as her white count is back to an acceptable level, she is back out and doing everything she did before. She is going to end up right back in the hospital again. And if she keeps it up, she will never be able to have the chemo and a possibility of getting better.

So am I angry, so just scared?

I guess identity is who we see ourselves as. It seems that I define my own identity in my career. If asked the question, "Who are you?" I would undoubtedly tell you that I'm the Executive Director of a music school for children from low-income families. An arts administrator. A grant writer. Cue John Williams music: I am a cape-wearing, hands-on-hips, fighter for children and an equal arts education for all.

Of course, I have now given notice at that job to be a family girl. A daughter, a stepmother, and a hopefully a glowing pregnant woman soon. So who does that make me?

I've been reading mommybloggers lately. A friend sent me a link to a musician mom's blog recently. The entry described some of the wedding music she has been subjected to performing as one of a few violinists who haven't yet fled the state of Mississippi. As much as I connected with the musician and certainly the anti-Mississippi feel of the post, the more I read, the more I realized I am missing something.

I followed links from this blog to other mommyblogs and read for hours. There is a feeling of motherhood as an identity amongst them. As a new stepmother, I haven't just taken on the identity and run with it. I'm excited about it, but I still am surprised when Lovely wants a hug in the morning, or I'm supposed to check her homework. It catches me off guard a little. Don't get me wrong, I am loving the new role. It just doesn't feel like an identity yet.

The feeling of loss at leaving my job is strange to me as I never intended on being an arts administrator. As much as I have enjoyed the work and the people I have worked with, I have to admit that I have enjoyed the identity it gave me just as much. I fell into the job, and have felt so lucky to have done so. It made me a professional instead of just a musician.

But I'm nervous about the whole identity thing. I think I used my job to identify myself because I didn't like my life. Now that I'm starting to really like it, that doubt starts creeping back in of what I deserve, what I'm worth, and most importantly - who I am.

There is a bit of closing my eyes and jumping going on here. At some point I made a decision to change my life and never look back. Now I'm hoping that I can live up to it and that the strong mommy-identity comes from the hormones or somehow magically is instilled upon you during pregnancy and childbirth. It would be so nice to read the mommyblogs as a peer and relate as a mommy. We'll see.

From as far back as I can remember, my mother tried to teach me that it didn't matter what you looked like or what you wore. As noble as that was, and as glad I am that she taught me to depend on intellect instead of lipstick, there are some flaws.

For a lot of careers, it does matter. There is a certain socialital expectation of grooming and appearance. The studies are out that heavy people earn less than thin. An attitude of, "if they don't care enough to take care of themselves, then how much will they care about the job they do?"

I am guilty of this attitude. It isn't just weight though, it is how well put together someone is and how much thought it appears went into their physical preparation for the day. Ridiculous? Probably.

I have been in a job though where I am in front of people constantly asking for money or promoting the school. Do I think I get a better response when I'm down 10 pounds, freshly highlighted, brows waxed, and suit crisply pressed? You bet I do. Do I choose skirts that hit above the knee instead of below to show a little more leg? Absolutely. Am I ashamed of this? Not in the least.

There was a good reason my mother worked very hard to teach me that you shouldn't judge or be judged by the way you look. Her mother entered her in beauty pageants and found her own self-worth in other people's opinions that her daughter was beautiful. Momma resented it. My mother swung the opposite direction and I spent junior high and high school miserable because my peers ridiculed the way I looked and dressed.

Now, I find myself wanting to provide a happy medium for my stepdaughter. She is 10 and is already asking questions about clothes and zits. She is conscious of her weight and wants to wear clothes that are loose and baggy. She has told me that she is "the biggest girl in her class," and she doesn't mean tall. That part breaks my heart. She is a beautiful girl.

How do you teach a young girl that you will never be happy if you base your opinion of yourself on how others treat you when in order to be successful, you need to learn how to have others treat you with respect and even admiration?

Middle school will be cruel, and I want her to know that she is beautiful, smart, funny, and caring. I also want her to learn to eat right, take care of her body, and choose clothes that she likes and look good on her.

I think the bottom line is that I want for her to have every opportunity. I want for her to take the AG classes, be smart, and at the same time, I want for her to be attractive. Is that wrong? I want for her to be thought of as pretty. Not because I'm that shallow, but because I want her to have the respect that goes along with attractiveness.

On Friday, I will resign. For 6 years, I have been the Executive Director of a non-profit music school whose mission is to provide music lessons to children from low-income families. You really couldn't create a more fulfilling job.

The children at this school pay $1 per week for their music lesson. We give them an instrument to use while they are enrolled and even buy their music books if they need us to. Our teachers are professionals, and our graduating class of 2006 went on to Harvard, Duke, NCA&T, Wake Tech, and Barton College. Not too shabby.

I've been to the White House to accept an award from Laura Bush. There have been newspaper interviews, podcast interviews, and numerous TV interviews. We get funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, our state arts council, the city, the county, and usually just about anyone else I ask for it.

This has nothing to do with me. The program is magnificent. The idea is brilliant. The need is absolutely relevant and the results scream success and value. I have said many times and say again, "It is easier to give us the money than it is to tell us no." It is true. What this school does with $25 could not be replicated by another arts organization or another service organization of which I know. The one-on-one student/teacher ratio and quality of music education offered makes our program the most important program seeking grants in this town.

Modest? Not me. I reiterate though, it's not me. Thank God it isn't, because I'm quitting. After 6 years of throwing my entire being into this school, I am tired. The responsibility of being in charge of the music education of 200 kids, a six-figure budget, 20 faculty, another staff member, and working with a volunteer Board of Directors has finally gotten to me.

I want to be a family girl.

There is my new family. And there is my old family. My parents need me more than ever. Guy needs me and Lovely needs me. And I want to have a baby.

I don't think I've ever looked at that sentence before. It seems odd to come from me. I have been an independent woman, a career minded, socially responsible, civic concerned woman. Lots of my colleagues and friends have no children.

I want to have a baby.

Let me be slightly more specific. I want to have Guy’s baby. I want to be a mommy with his daddy. I want to change the diapers of our offspring, get hardly any sleep, have sore nipples, wash 18 loads of laundry a day, and take long morning walks behind a stroller.

The beauty of being a musician is that you make up your own job. I can be a stay-at-home mom and still teach. I can teach as many or as few students as I want to. I can take as many or as few gigs as I want to. I can record, write, or do nothing as I see fit.

I am looking forward to having more time for my family and for music. Guy and I are looking forward to recording together, writing together, playing together, and just being together. I have never looked forward to the future before. I have only looked at making it through the now.

Although I am sad and scared to leave my job, I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to something new. I hope that I have accomplished enough to have made a difference while I was there.

My mother's mother was called Honey. She moved to Jackson around the time I was born so that my mother could take care of her. From the moment I met her, she lived in a retirement complex called "Madonna Manor." It was a dump by the time she moved out, but pretty nice in the beginning. Of course nothing in Jackson is free from crime, and by the time I was in college, there was a woman a couple of floors down from Honey who got raped in her apartment. If I heard that now, I would be panicking to get my grandmother out of that environment. In Jackson, you just buy an extra lock for your door because you've given up on moving somewhere completely safe.

I digress. Honey was a remarkable woman. She became a single parent in the 1940's when her lovely husband walked out on her, my mother, and her older brother. Realizing quickly that she was going to have to support these children, she decided to become a nurse. With childcare help from her younger sister in Georgia, Honey managed to make it through nursing school (a feat my ex-husband couldn't do with me paying the bills and having no children), establish a home for herself and her children, and even managed to get a grand piano for my mother who somehow never missed a piano lesson no matter what food was or was not in the cupboards.

She did all this without a driver's license. Honey never drove. I don't know why she never learned to drive. It made her seem older and more frail than she was though. I remember my mother always having to drive across town and take Honey somewhere. To the doctor. Shopping. To church. To the library. Wherever Honey needed to go, my mother was there to take her. Until I turned 15 and got my driver's license that is. Then I picked up some of the responsibility. There was this time I had to take her to the podiatrist. It ended badly with me dashing from the room trying to make it to a bathroom before vomiting. From that day forward I vowed to take care of my feet and get pedicures on a regular basis from clean places.

I digress again. There are too many stories to tell about Honey. If I don't tire of typing to myself, I'm sure I'll hit on many more. The point I wanted to make today was that Honey was about my mother's age now when I was born. For all of her complaining, for the million times she said, "I'm blind and I can't see" to anyone she thought was in earshot, for all the hours I had to sit in front of her vanity and have my hair ironed into doodoo curls, I know that she was one of the most remarkable women I could have had in my life.

The endurance of that woman was incredible. She was strong, stubborn, and smart. There was no model back then for single moms. There was no child support or alimony. There was just her sheer will and determination. The things I learned from Honey could spin off into another blog altogether.

The point? My grandchild will not have these things to say about my mother. For all the praise I have for Honey, I think my mother is twice the woman with twice the smarts and twice the determination. I can only imagine what she could teach my children. And what stories will they tell if their family is gone before their memories start?

This is not the way I imagined it would be.

Honey lived to be 97. She did eventually really lose her sight and became quite dependent the last 5 years of her life. However, she also picked up and moved across the country at 92 years old. When my parents decided to move to California, Honey didn't bat an eye. She said, "When do we leave?" She made new friends, experienced new cultures, and loved to tell her stories to anyone who would sit and listen.

Honey and my mother didn't always get along so well. They loved each other dearly, but I think 30 plus years of caretaking to someone as negatively vocal as Honey could be took a toll on my mother. In the days before she died though, Honey told my mother that although she wanted to live to be 100, she was content to know that she had lived long enough to see my mother fulfill God's plan for her life. Isn't that what every child wants to hear? That their parent thinks they done good?

Honey gave that to my mom, and it meant the world to her. Momma has given that to me all along though, and it has made all the difference in my life. I'm grateful she didn't make me wait until the end to let me know that she is proud of me.