The thing that sucks most about having a distorted body image it that when you are thin, you don't appreciate it.
One of my personal goals is that before I get pregnant, I want to be okay with my body. For once in my life, I would like to look in the mirror and like what I see. The ironic part is that I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life and trying to accomplish this while attempting to lose about 15 pounds.
Trying to diet and tell yourself, "You're okay," at the same time is pretty funny. I'm eating 300 calorie lunches while staring at my body in the morning trying to become comfortable with my new 30 something shape. It's like some sort of cruel joke.
I don't need to look like a supermodel. I've outgrown thinking I need to be 5'8" and 130 pounds. I would like to keep the muffin top to a minimum and still be comfortable in a swimsuit. Surely I can get my twisted mind around that without going all freaking anorexic.
And if I make it to my weight goal, am I going to appreciate it this time? Will I be able to look in the mirror and say, "Damn, girl. You look good." or will I just see the residual love handles?
The one thing I've never read about eating disorders is that physical problems aside, they leave a scar on your body image that seems to never go away. Even though I understand how unhealthy being anorexic is, I still don't think I ever looked thin. I was 5'8" and 105 pounds before I got help. I knew I had a problem, but I didn't think, and don't remember myself, as being thin. Getting over the disorder in order to eat is one thing. Restructuring your thinking into seeing yourself as a normal person is quite another.
What I would like is to just like me. Now and 20 pounds from now in either direction.
