The coda and cadence

This blog is where I became who I am.

My marriage began during this blog.

My first baby lives only in these pages now.

I became a mother here in these words. First a stepmother. Then the mother of a baby that would never be held. Then Little Bird's mother.

It's where I have made too many friends to link to, but you know who you all are.

My words will stay here. They won't be taken down. But they won't be added to either.



This will be my last post.



I have been of the belief that it was perfectly fine to write about personal things here. To talk openly about my son and my husband. To give whoever wanted it a glimpse into our lives. Internet privacy wasn't a huge concern for me. I knew that whatever I posted was fair game and that if I didn't want something known, that I shouldn't put it on the internet.

However.

I had only considered the consequences of nasty crazy strangers who don't know my last name, where I live, or how to find me.

I never considered the consequences of people that know who we are and where we live.

By posting about going to the Liam Finn concert, I opened the door to let someone show up to that event and harass us. I also gave them a completely open window of time when they knew that my son would be home without me. Thank God they chose to come to the club and not our home.

That was the most irresponsible thing I have ever done in my entire life.

I will not repeat that mistake.

And to make sure, I will not be using this space any longer.

Maybe there will be another space someday. Something private with passwords. Something that the people I have grown to love here can still share with me.

For now though, I need to put the keyboard down. Stop feeding them. Stop giving them access into our lives. Stop pretending that they are inconsequential in our lives. We don't know that, and because of that unknown, the safest thing for me to do it to stop.

I feel like I have just ripped my fingers off and thrown them on the ground. My heart feels like I punched myself in the chest a dozen times. My gut is turning and begging me not to be bullied. Not to give in.

But it's not about that.

It's not a situation of "being beaten" or "giving in."

It's a situation of I love my son and my husband more than the air that I breathe and the life that I have.

And I should have been protecting them all along from someone who wishes them nothing but harm and ill will.

I am so very sorry, Darling.

You all know how to find me. Email will remain the same. At least for awhile. I hope you will stay in touch, and let me know if you would like to be informed of a new safe space in the future.

V7 and I.

We're done.

Yummy men in my life

We bit the bullet and went to see Liam Finn on Sunday night. What can I say? The entire evening was simply jaw dropping. It was totally worth all the hassle to see him.

He is an amazing performer. I love his studio album too, but probably not for reasons that he would appreciate it. I love it because it has so many shades of his father, Neil Finn in it. They are both completely yummy.

None more yummy than my husband though. Being out with him for the first time since becoming parents together? Was long overdue. Even in a semi crowded club, he has the uncanny ability of making me feel like the only person in the room. The only one he even sees. Yes, Momma, there were public displays of affection. Some silly smooching like teenagers. I can't help it. He's just so yummy.

Someone else who is yummy in a totally different way? Little baby, thigh squeezing, cheek nibbling yummy? Christopher. The yummiest baby on the planet.

Pups 3

Yesterday, we took our dogs to the off leash dog park by our house.

Chelsea, otherwise known as Pupstar, is my old lady. She tottered around behind us, looking for shade, taking a drink from every bucket, and hoping that someone forgot to clean up a pile of delicious poo.

Gibson, our chocolate lab, ran his fool head off for about five minutes. He was chasing a ball that Kevin threw when another dog ran after him and nipped at his heels. Without a struggle, Gibson turned and ran back to us sans ball. It just wasn't worth the struggle. There will be more balls, and he knows it. Within 10 minutes, he too was close to us, seeking shade and laying in the cool mulch.

Aja, the Setter Princess, was in rare form. She roamed the park, going from person to person like she was interviewing applicants for a new family. She would approach a possible sucker, let them pet her head and then sit down like a statue right next to their chair. If they didn't continue petting her or proclaiming her beauty, she would move on quickly to the next person. Much to her shagrin, she had to return home with her current family who has stopped appreciating the fine art that is the Setter. At least she still has her leather sofa.

What a trio.

We're thinking about letting the Setter convey with the house if she doesn't get her act together.

I could have just asked, but then I wouldn't have this funny story

Christopher and I spent the day with Papa today. We went to the Farmer's Market, he helped me get the house ready for a showing, and then we crashed at his place with the dogs until it was time to get Lovely from school. It was a nice day.

Papa fascinates Christopher. The two of them talked to each other back and forth today for several minutes. I'm not sure who was imitating who, but it ended with Christopher busting out in a big belly laugh at his grandfather.

Papa is funny. Even when he doesn't mean to be.

I dropped some not too subtle hints about how much I needed a nap. As in, "I sure could use a nap." Of course I was hoping for an offer to watch Mr. Kicky while I caught a few zzzzzzzzz's.

Instead, Papa agreed with me that it was a good afternoon for a nap, and kicked back in his chair for a snooze while Christopher and I hung out on the floor, playing with pieces of carpet fuzz.

Makes me laugh, he does.

He's a good man, that one. Kevin says I was lucky to meet him after he mellowed. I think I am just lucky period.

Yet another thing I will worry stupidly over and then later wonder why I did

Liam Finn. I have proclaimed my love for Liam Finn more than once.

The last time Kevin and I saw Liam Finn live, we were in Portland, Oregon. It was a year ago this past weekend, and we had flown across the country to see Crowded House, and our friend Tattoo Dave.

It was a crazy thing to do, and one of the best weekends ever.

Liam Finn, who is hands down the most riveting performer I have ever seen, is playing in Chapel Hill this weekend. Sunday night. At the Local 506. For only $10.

Far less expensive than the last time we saw him.

But now there is a Little Bird, and he goes to bed at 8:00. There is the matter of a babysitter.

Our former nanny has turned us down. Too late at night, on a Sunday, I imagine. There is one other girl who I would trust to be here, and I'm waiting to hear back from her.

Lovely was a huge sweetheart and said that she would babysit him. I would totally let her too. She is wonderful with him, and I would rather leave him with his sister than anyone else. However, we would be a good 30 minute drive away, and aren't leaving the two children with no driver available should anything happen. Plus, it's a school night, and she needs to go to bed shortly after Mr. Kicky does. This just isn't the situation for sister to babysit.

It's just a short evening, late at night. I could just get another sitter. There are other sitters.

The children are going to be sleeping. It's not a big deal.

Right?

The prospect of leaving them here with someone else, even someone with vast experience? I'm having a hard time with it.

I'm thinking I need to loosen up.

So when did you leave your little ones with a sitter for the first time to do something fun? Any tips on how to get over myself?

Yummy little song

The Dude, otherwise and in real life known as Bill Leslie, can proudly say that his new CD is finally available. He has worked for over a year on this project, and it shows. The opening track has the most beautiful guitar work he has even done. It gave me chill bumps. And I'm a tough sell.

I've given you "Water of Life" to sample here. It's one of the three cuts with vocals that he brought me in to lay backings for.

If you like it, you can purchase the CD through Amazon. Later this year, a companion book with his father's watercolors of the North Carolina mountains will be released.

And if you live around here, you can see us live in Holly Springs on October 26.

Add this to another thing in my life for which I'm grateful. He is tremendous to work with, and I'm lucky to have the opportunity.