Thursday, June 21, 2007

Back by popular demand, crazy me

I suppose this is the first time I have noticed that the understanding of having readers has kept me from posting. There has been quite a bit of crazy going on, and instead of writing it all out like usual, I have kept it to myself.

Not wanting to spread the crazy.

Today, I decided that was silly. The origins of this blog were to talk crazy. Say all the things that I didn't want to or couldn't say aloud. So think what you will, I'm about to get loony.

Saturday, this baby will be 9w2d. That is when they said Cleatus died even though he hung around until 12 weeks. Try as I will, I cannot stop thinking about it. I have been working in the house (new bamboo floors and a painted music room), reading (first two Harry Potters again), and even signed up for Twitter (to have somewhere to post the mundane). Even if I'm successful in taking my waking mind off of it, then I have nightmares.

I have analyzed the day to day to death. Do I have cramps or is it my intestines? Do my boobs still hurt? Is the pain in my lower back what I felt before I lost the last baby or is it my kidneys?

Here are some of my favorites though: Is my dog still following me? Do you think she can hear a heartbeat? Come here, Pupstar, and put your head on my belly. What do you hear? She just looks up at me and wags her tail, which I took to mean that maybe she still heard a heartbeat. It could just as easily mean that she's loving all the laying around I'm doing. More snuggle pup time.

The nightmares are the worst part. In one I was just pregnant over and over again. I was known as the mother to 9 week old fetuses. In another, I woke up and there was blood all over the bed and I started screaming like I was in a horror movie. Guy came out of the bathroom and told me to calm down, it was just a little blood. I couldn't stop screaming.

I don't know. There is still some nausea. I am more tired this week than I ever have been, but it's sleepy tired, not worn out tired. I get breathless walking up and down the stairs. And I'm so incredibly on edge. My emotions are out of control, and I'm pissed off most of the time. What a joy for Guy.

So maybe everything is alright? The pain in my back though has gotten intense. There are no other signs of a uti, but I swear it's my kidneys that hurt. It's that deep gnawing pain, not sharp pulling or cramping pains.

Tomorrow morning is another appointment. I want the doctor to confirm a heartbeat again for me. One of my other fears? That she will say no. That she will say it's too early for a doppler and I can't have another ultrasound. Can she even do that? Even if I'm willing to pay for it out of pocket?

I thought I was stronger than this, but if I don't get some confirmation tomorrow one way or another, I might just fall apart. I'm going to be like Elaine with the black marks on my chart. All the doctors will know I'm the crazy one.

I could always just take my dog with me tomorrow and tell the doctor that she is my at home pregnancy monitor.

So good night. Enjoy the crazies. They will be here all week long.