Thursday, July 20, 2006

My mother and I are both making new life long commitments. Mine is to the love of my life. Hers is to chemotherapy. I hope her new commitment is not going to replace the one she made to my father.

When she told me that she would be on chemotherapy "indefinitely," I thought to myself, "You mean until you die." I don't know why I have to be so morbid some days. It is hard to find hope in this situation though. She will be on chemotherapy until she dies. Not until her cancer goes away, but until it kills her.

I see this as the opportunity for her to drag her feet on moving again. Even though she told me last week that she was going to submit her resignation to the church, she has not, and has no date in mind for doing it. There is this issue of the other pastor needing knee surgery.

I'm sorry. Did she say knee surgery?

Can I just state for the record that I honestly don't care one bit about the overweight senior pastor's knees? Why is that my family is affected by the fact that he is an idiot and has waited until it is a dire situation for him to have knee surgery? Did they all forget that my mother has cancer and my father can't remember what day it is or tie his own shoes? Buy the fat guy a scooter and get on with it.

It is so past time for her to have secured help for my father. When she and I talk now, it is all about her, her treatment, her job, and the decisions that weigh her down. Can I really accuse my own mother of being selfish when she is trying to face terminal cancer? Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I think she is being extremely selfish by not having resigned yet and especially for continuing to leave him at home unsupervised.

Neither of them have much longer in the grand scheme of things. As I get ready to commit myself to the man I love and respect, I can't help but feel slightly bitter towards her. I would drop anything and everything to take care of him. At this moment in time, she has forgotten her commitment to my father. He needs her. He needs her to help him and to be with him. He needs her to quit working and move him closer to his family. He doesn't need her to talk about it, plan it, re-plan it, or even think much about it at this point. He just needs her to do it.