Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Deliberately

I'm not going to lie. 2012 sucked giant donkey balls. 2011 wasn't that much better.


Declaring that 2013 is going to be better just seems like a dare to the universe to whack me even harder than ever. Not something I want to even tempt.

So, I will declare only what I know will happen.

In 2013, I will turn 40. There won't be any complaining from me. I feel good. I'm lucky to get to turn 40. 

In 2013, Christopher will start kindergarten. I don't know where, and I don't know that I'm altogether alright with any of it. It causes me more anxiety than I would like to admit.

In 2013, Colin will start at Arts Together. I'm happy we have two more years to be there.

In 2013, Mallory will start her last year of high school. So we have one starting preschool, one starting kindergarten, and one starting her senior year. 

In 2013, Kevin and I will have been married for seven years. How is that even possible?

There are goals I have for 2013. I want to keep the house neater. I want to be in the 140's before I'm 40. I want to have my the way I eat when I'm counting points become more natural for me - have it not be a diet, but just the way I eat. I want to sew more. Write more. Play more. Sing more.

I want to be more present in my life in 2013. Aware of my children and their needs. Aware of my husband and his needs. Aware of my friends and their needs. And of course, aware of myself and my needs. 

It's so easy for me to just get stuck in my head. It doesn't take much for me to curl up like a pill bug and roll into my little hole. I'm going to let that be alright if it happens deliberately, but I'm going to try not to let it happen with me unaware.

In 2013, I will try to live deliberately, making thoughtful choices in my body, my mind, and my soul.

It's not a resolution. At least, not a New Year's resolution. It is a goal. One that my whole life has been leading up to. I think I have the tools to reach it finally. 

I guess we will see.

3 comments:

  1. A happier New Year to you, my friend... You've been through so much.

    Know I'm thinking of you, and sending all good thoughts and prayers your way.

    xoxo CGF

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  2. Goals are good. I like yours.

    Here's to a (gently gently) better year this year.

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  3. I sooo echo the sentiment that 2012 sucked big donkey balls! Knowing I'm facing a 2013 that just WILL ABSOLUTELY FOR SURE be even way harder is giving me a lot of pause as I do the same looking forward.... but even before reading your post here, I had been doing a lot of thinking on the same focus: being deliberate.

    I don't have any specific 2013 goals at the moment, other than survive it, but in general, I want to do all things with more purpose. I recognize I'm totally sleepwalking in some areas of life (ok most areas) because I'm holding my breath, waiting for things to "calm down" or "go back to normal" before I make my deliberate actions and thoughts.... but I'll be waiting a long time if I keep that up. There is no normal or calm in sight for this life of mine.

    So, just wanted to say, know I'm here walking up next to you on the path of deliberateness! (Also, happen to be right there with you too with a kiddo coming up on kindergarten which is really stressing me out, and trying to be better with WW points and making healthy a habit, and finding myself pillbugging on a too-regular basis... ;) You have company!)

    Here's to learning and growing and living, even through whatever the new year holds, be it fun or challenges or grief or beauty or pain. Wishing you peace and joy and health for 2013. :)

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