More birthdays

The number of times Momma and I have bemoaned the fact that she wouldn't make it to 70 when her mother made it to 97 is now quite laughable.

I'm telling your age, Reverend Mother. Happy 70th Birthday. Thanks for sticking it out with us.



More birthdays

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without - 30 days of truth

Leg hair

Torn cuticles

Picardy thirds

Yanni

Pickled herring

Angelina Jolie

Plugged ducts

Anything in a size 2

Reality TV (save the Amazing Race)

Cramps

Bad gas mileage

Zack Wilde

Victoria's Secret

and

Paying for shipping

The End.

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried to live without it - 30 days of truth

I could easily site this blog as the thing I just can't quit. I've tried a few times to quit, but I always come back. I've made lots of changes and implemented my own new policies along the way, but I always come back. Blogging is a learn as you go thing. At least for me it is. Regardless, I'm not quitting anytime soon.

Really though, what I REALLY can't live without - what I know I can't live without because I've tried so many many many times to quit - is Diet Coke.

How pathetic is that?

Here you go. From the now defunct Deep South Moms Blog, from back in April 2009, is my letter to Diet Coke. I think it was my first syndicated post. Meh. Who cares? It makes me chuckle a little.

**********************************************


Dear Diet Coke,

I don't know what it is about you. I have quit smoking without the aid of gums or patches. I have quit drinking cold turkey when we think there might be a second line appearing on a pregnancy test. I can stick to a diet when I need to drop a few pounds. It wouldn't be unfathomable to call me a woman with self control.

But you, sweet elixir of life, I just can't quit you.

Sixteen weeks into this pregnancy and I still can't seem pass up on a giant, ice cold, frothy fountain Diet Coke. Even though I stopped buying cases of you to keep in my fridge at home, I find myself looking for excuses to get out of the house and hit the nearest drive thru.

Nothing else can take your place. Your inbred cousin, Diet Coke with Splenda, just doesn't cut it. I took him out for a tango when I was pregnant with my first child. I just wasn't satisfied. A real Coke is so full of sugar that my teeth feel like they are wearing sweaters after the third sip. A cup of coffee will curb the desire for caffeine, but it doesn't bring me that effervescent joy that you do.

I have long proclaimed that there is something more addictive about you than in any other soft drink. I knew long before I evern dreamed of being pregnant that you were my one vice. Every thing else could come and go, but you never would loosen your grip on me.

Damn you, Diet Coke. I blame you and your spurious sweetness that bubbles up, taunting me from the McDonald's down the street. You are so bad for me, and yet oh so good.

Sincerely,
An unabashed addict

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down - 30 days of truth

I almost forgot. That would have been frustrating.


But I've had this sitting in "edit" mode for days now, trying to think of someone that I considered a hero in the first place.


In order to have a hero who has let you down, you must first have had a hero. I can't think of one.


There are people I admire greatly. Momma. Susan. Liz. Gail. Kara. Cyndi. Abby. Amy. Too many many many to list. But I wouldn't hold them to the status of hero because it's not fair. They are, after all, human just like me.


Not exactly the soul searching post you might have been expecting, I know. I probably let you down. Hope I wasn't your hero.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire listhere.

Day 13 - A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough ass days - 30 days of truth

Really? Do I have to? This is going to be so very embarrassing.

Dear Tori,

If there hadn't been 50 other people standing behind Her Magesty's Theatre, and if it hadn't been just the first of dozens of shows you would do for Under the Pink, and if I could have garnered enough strength to say anything other than a shallow, high-pitched, "thank you," you might remember me as the girl with the star paper letter that I pressed into your hand across the rope, behind the theater in London.

Or maybe you wouldn't. It doesn't matter really.

What matters is that even though it was a life time ago, I still think of you when I think of an artist who changed my life and got me through some tough ass days.

I listened to your songs over and over and over. Your words felt like they had burst from my own heart. Your piano taught me new ways to play. New ways to write. New ways to listen.

A couple of years after that, I worked a show you played in Mississippi. Your chef had me running all over the place looking for Ben and Jerry's ice cream, which Mississippi didn't have yet. I know. Hard to believe. You came in and ate a plate of food by yourself. I didn't want to bother you, so I just sat across the room from you sending you subliminal messages of, "I love you." Because I was a little crazy then. And now, but that's no matter.

I admit, I haven't followed you the way I thought I would. I drifted from you somewhere around Strange Little Girls. That doesn't mean that you don't still mean the world to me.


And in the mist
There she rides
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight
And I ride to work every morning
Wondering why
"Sit in the chair and be good now" 
And become all that they told you
The white coats enter her room
And I'm callin' my baby 
Callin' my baby
Callin' my baby
Callin' everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own.


I'm closer to 40 than 30 and certainly far away from 20 now. But I'm pleased to tell you that I'm finally my own.

Sincerely,
me

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on - 30 days of truth

My small, perky breasts.

Heh. Actually, I'm assuming it's supposed to be something that is true about me that no one ever compliments.

No one ever compliments me on my ability to sing a quarter tone off with any tune. Wait, that's not true. Uncle Dave does.

No one ever compliments me on my smile.

It's crooked, and I have the proverbial gap between my front two teeth. Lusty, if you believe Canterbury Tales. My teeth are discolored from years of Diet Coke abuse, and if I smile too widely, you will see the splatters of silver fillings that dot several of my molars.

I'm afraid though, that it's not the physical appearance of my smile that prevents people from complimenting me on it. I'm afraid that it's because they don't see it often enough.

As I watch Christopher in a crowd or when someone approaches him to chat - I see myself. He becomes stoic. His lips close, his eyes open wide, and he begins assessing the situation by withdrawing from it to become an observer. He isn't unhappy, but he definitely isn't smiling.

I know I model that for him. It's probably part nature, part nurture, but I would like to model more smiling. I would like for him to hear me get compliments on my smile. I would like to teach him that a smile can truly light up a room. Especially his smile. It is beautiful, and I would like for us both to use our smiles more often.

Day 11 - Something people compliment you the most on - 30 days of truth

Praise is a huge motivator for me. I consider that one of my flaws. I wish that I could do things just to do them and not worry that someone will later praise me for it. So far, no success there. I still want to hear that I rock. And staying at home? You don't hear that much.

A wise woman and blogger who I respect a ton told me that she had found that volunteering at her son's school had given back some of the affirmation and appreciation that she used to get from the workplace. I need to do something like this - get plugged back in. 

Here and there I get compliments on my biscuits, my pound cake (both straight from my momma's kitchen), and my red velvet cake (thank you, Aunt May). I used to get complimented on my hair and my legs. Not the hair on my legs, mind you. And every once in awhile, I'll get a compliment on my writing. Those are nice.

I guess what I consistently get complimented the most on though is my voice. Which is kind of funny because I spent 18 years of my life in piano lessons, but just open my mouth and sing. Au natural, heh.

My favorite vocal compliment? Came from a review. Called the backing vocals I added to a CD "angelic." Also worth noting, it's the only time anyone has dared referred to me as such.

If I really dig deep, what I would like to be able to claim I'm most complimented on, it would be that I'm a good mama. I want to be known for my patience and guidance. I want people to notice that I'm in tune with my boys and teach them through example. I want for someone to be able to pay me the compliment of, "Your boys are such kind people."

That's my goal.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know - 30 days of truth

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times on this blog.

I'm an excellent bridge burner. I tend to cut and run.

What I do though, is dwell. I sometimes wonder what the person on the other side of the cliffs is up to - where their life has gone since we parted ways.

With the internet, it can be easy to search for them. Recently I wrote about blocking a list of people on Facebook. That was my way of letting go. Blocking those people was my way of letting them go.

I have a few more to block.

A former work colleague with whom I share mutual friends. She isn't an honest person, and I find myself getting worked up when I come across more of her nonsense online.

That high school teacher.

The boyfriend who dumped me via my brother.

You get the point.

I think a lot of these posts are going to intersect. Because the person I should let go of the most is the one I'm not ready to forgive. And until I can forgive her, I won't be able to let her go.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go but just drifted - 30 days of truth

My momma is a wise woman. She taught me that sometime friendships are just for a season. They come and then they go, and that's alright. I've seen that happen, and I've been learning how to let it happen gracefully if I need to.

I miss an old friend. She doesn't live far from me. We've been bridesmaids for each other. I've been with her while she was in labor. We've been through a lot together. I'm not sure where life is taking us, but I don't hear from her anymore. It makes me sad.

Other old friends who drifted have come back into my life through Facebook. It's cool really. I've found my best college roommates, one of my few junior high friends, and even a friend from elementary school who lives in Chapel Hill now.

Relationships are hard work. Duh, right? As I get older, I feel like I'm less willing to put in all of that work if it's going to be one sided. The more I adopt Kevin's philosophy of fewer, better friends, the more fulfilling the work put into the relationship is.

I have a feeling there will be more drifting to come. I hope I'm ready for it.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 8 - Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit - 30 days of truth

Oh boy. I could open up a can of worms here if I wanted to, but that's probably not for the best. Besides, even if I were to talk about the stalking, name calling, and eventual restraining order, in the end, I can't claim that she's made my life hell, because in order for that to be true, she has to matter to me, and that just isn't true.

I could also talk about Day 4 again, but I think I made my point then.

It's sad when you have so many options to choose from here.

Really though, I'm having a hard time choosing because I'm at a point in my life that when I think about these people, I'm just sort of, well, meh. It doesn't matter anymore.

However, I'll tell some just for the sake of telling.

There was a woman on a mom's board who liked to play the "I've had more miscarriages than you" game. She was looney and inconsequential, but when you're bleeding out what you hoped was going to be your second child, it sucks to be treated like that.

There were a couple of girls in my seventh grade carpool who were so mean to me that they shaped the rest of my junior high career. They helped me develop my caustic wit and thick armor, keeping out any prospects of friends, save a few brave souls.

There was the boyfriend who went off to college and told my brother to let me know he was breaking up with me. Harsh.

There was the boss who fired me 30 minutes before I had to go to the funeral of one of my students.

There was the high school teacher who - well, let's just not go into that one. It's just yuck.

The bottom line I guess, is that I finally have a strong partner and a circle of friends who support me and help me feel safe. I have friends who take me to dinner when I need to talk. I have friends who bring their families to celebrate a baptism with me. I have friends who I trust to take care of my children.

I have a partner who will back me up, defend me, and love me.

Once, a former bandmate wrote my ex-husband a letter. We had been in North Carolina a few months, and this douche wrote a letter to my husband telling him that he was sorry they couldn't be friends anymore since he had married me, and went on to pontificate about what a horrible person I was. Or something like that. It doesn't matter what he said. What matters is that I felt like my ex should have stood up for me. I felt like he should have defended me, and he didn't.

I had never felt more alone than I did that day. Less because of the letter and more because I wasn't worth defending.

Things have changed. So go ahead, treat me like shit. I've got people now. People who have my back.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living - 30 days of truth

Easy.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do - 30 days of truth

I spent a great deal of time trying to think of something else to write about for this one. Something that doesn't send me into a panic attack just thinking about it, but I can't.

The single thing I hope I never have to do is bury one of my children. Just typing those words makes my heart race.

There are mamas whose blogs I read who have lost their babies, and I can't fathom the depth of their pain or the strength that they must have to put one foot in front of the other daily. They amaze me and terrify me all at the same time - because it could happen to any of us.

Several years ago, my youngest piano student at the time was killed in a car accident. Her father was driving. He didn't see a stop sign, ran it, and a pick up truck hit them. The little girl died at the scene.

She was six.

At the visitation, I was close to the end of the line to speak to the parents. It took about three hours to make it to them. I watched and studied how people addressed them, how the parents reacted. Could I cry with them? Should I be strong and not cry? Do I hug them? Do I say that I'm sorry?

I was terrified.

The week before, this little girl had played in her very first piano recital. She was so excited and so proud of herself. Her father plays, and both of her older sisters had played, but this was her turn. It was finally her turn to be up there and perform. She wore a navy blue dress and ankle socks. Her hair was pulled back in a headband.

She performed perfectly.

The next week she was gone.

When I approached her parents, her father collapsed onto me. I held him up while he sobbed for what seemed like hours. I didn't know them especially well, but I think that the importance of music in their family coupled with the recent recital made my presence rip the very tentative bandage off of the wound.

I just stood there and held him. I thanked them both for letting me have the chance to teach their daughter and told them that I would miss her very much. I told them about how she told me she was named for a pop singer (she was not, but they shared the name). I told them that getting to spend just 45 minutes a week with her had been a blessing, and that I was so sorry for their loss.

This was years before I had children. I didn't have any reference point to the pain they felt.

Then, last week, Christopher ran across the street without me. He didn't look; he didn't pause. He was fine. But the thought of losing him in an accident - so violent and sudden - so physically painful - I couldn't stomach it. I cried when I caught up to him. I grabbed his arms a little too hard when I pulled him to me. I held him longer than usual when we hugged our "I'm sorry's".

So that is it. I hope I never have to live a day without my children in my world. I don't know how I would cope.

Do you Tumblr?

While the ole blog has the 30 Days of Truth going on for the month of November, I've been enjoying using my Tumblr page more.

There are pictures of the kids, my favorite Etsy finds, conversations, and short thoughts that I might normally blog over here. Feel free to join me there for less than blogging, more than Twitter.

Because you NEED another social media site to worry about.

What about you? Do you Tumblr? Can you leave me a link so I can follow you?

Have a great weekend. Smooches.

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life - 30 days of truth

There are two little boys sitting with me right now, enjoying Jack's Big Music Show. They are what I hoped most to do in my life.

Short of that, I would like to find my place in the world as a mama.

When they go to school, what will I do with my days? Will I be able to re-enter the work force? Will I want to? Will I be able to find a job that I enjoy?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must got do the cookoo dance with Jack and my oldest son. It is definitely something I've always wanted to do in my life.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here. Also, you can check out my Life List for more things I hope to do in my life. If you're bored and all.

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for - 30 days of truth

I was a departure from your lifestyle.

A friend who didn't look like your other friends

Who didn't act like your other friends

Who didn't worship like your other friends

Who didn't judge like your other friends

Who didn't expect perfection of you like your other friends

Our parents lived around the corner from each other, yet we had to travel to London to get to know each other.

Maybe if we had stayed across the ocean, we would have stayed friends.

You got married.

I got married.

You got divorced.

You got remarried.

I got divorced.

I got remarried.

See? We are the same I might think, but we are totally not.

I stood fiercely by you during your divorce

Standing up for you in grocery stores

Standing up for you at church

Standing up for you to newspaper reporters

Standing up for you to anyone who would listen

You were so blatantly wronged

Hurt and humiliated

The pity people felt for you was more judgment for your lack thereof.

But me? The wrong against me was more subtle.

I was married to such a nice guy.

I was married to the guy who helped everyone out.

Everyone but me.

He didn't leave me for a priest

He didn't leave me for someone twice his age

He didn't emotionally abuse me

But he didn't love me

He didn't support me

He didn't listen to me

He didn't respect me

He didn't honor or protect me

Like my momma said, he left our marriage way before I kicked him out.

You couldn't see any of that though

You didn't want to see any of that

You refused to listen openly to my heart and my hurt.

I had disrupted your life

I had made it uncomfortable for you

I had created a division in your circle of friends

I had neglected to think about how my divorce would affect you.

Silly me.

What really got me though was when I moved on too quickly for your liking

You judged me

You condemned me

A year later, you dismissed me, telling me,

           "You aren't sad enough."

Then I knew. I knew why we had been friends in the first place.

One of my gifts is the ability to make others feel good about themselves. 

It fits into the peace-keeping, people-pleasing side of me.

I had always made you feel better about yourself,

but not for the reasons I thought.

I made you feel better because you thought you were better.

You were thinner.

You made more money.

You read more.

You knitted.

You painted.

You were better than me 

and worse than me at the same time.

You were miserable, but I was always worse off

Your life was hard, but I was always in more debt

You deserved pity, but I was always there to be in a hole a little bit deeper than yours.

Next to me, you felt like a raging success

And then I had to go and get happy

Through a trial that would have broken most people

I come through it blissfully happy.

You were a terrible friend.

I hold you up as the standard now when I evaluate friendships.

I think about the time I spent with you and how I felt afterwards

In order to avoid those feelings

In order to avoid those people

In order to remain blissfully happy.

I should forgive you

I must forgive you

I will forgive you

Just not yet.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for - 30 days of truth

In order to write about something I have to forgive myself for, I have to first admit what it was that I did wrong. That isn't easy for me, because I want you all to think that I'm perfect. Isn't that the goal? To have people think as highly of you as possible? 

I could cop out and say that I needed to forgive myself for forgetting to take a snack to share at the neighborhood Halloween parade yesterday. Oh the horrors! I forgot to take a snack! I am such a horrible mother and wife!

Let's get real though. There are skeletons. There are things that I have no need to unearth and share publicly. Things that I have already forgiven myself for, so I don't need to display them here. But there is something that I can begin to let go of right now. Something for the truth.

I need to forgive myself for my first marriage. I need to let go of that guilt. 

I never should have gotten married. It wasn't the right choice, and I knew it. At the time, I couldn't see far enough into the future to think there was another choice though. We had been dating for several years, and the night he said to me that he either wanted to get married or move on - I should have said, "Bye."

Divorce was never something I wanted in my history. I was ashamed to tell my parents. Waited three weeks after my ex had moved out before I even called them to tell them. 

More than that though, I cheated myself out of some very real dreams. I wanted to go to law school. More specifically, I wanted to go to UNC Chapel Hill for law school. That was never going to happen once I got married, and deep down, I knew that. I knew that I would be too busy trying to work and pay bills to go back to school.

I also need to forgive myself for hurting my ex. It wasn't his idea to get divorced, and I know it hurt him. If I dig down even further though, I need to forgive myself for ever marrying him in the first place. I wasted eight years of his life when he could have been chasing some dreams I know he had too. Because there was no way in hell I was ever going to move to California.

So that's it. I'm going to keep trying to let go of that huge mistake in my life. Try to forgive myself. Because one day, my boys are going to find those wedding pictures and start asking questions. And I want to be ready to answer them from a healthy and whole perspective.


This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 2 - Something I love about myself - 30 days of truth

My momma says that I'm "loyal to a fault." It's true.

If you are my friend, I've got your back. I will go to the mat for you. I will leave snarky comments on blogs or Facebook posts when you need them even though I would never do it for myself. I will bake, cook, sew, watch your children, or do your laundry. If someone wrongs you and you are deeply hurt by them, I will likely cut them out of my life too, just so you won't have to question where I stand.

Granted, I get the "to a fault" part. I know that I've burned some bridges that might not needed to have been burned. I've left some comments that were completely not nice. I've even called a newspaper reporter once and let them have it for doing a lifestyle piece on how fabulous someone was with no regard to some very public pain they had caused my friend.

Um, a little overboard, I know.

But it is something that I love about myself. I'm not wishy washy when it comes to my friends. If I love you, you know it. In fact, I've had to work really hard at just having acquaintances. It doesn't come easily for me, but it's a skill that I think is important in life. It certainly would have made high school easier for me.

Of course, loyalty is something I love most in a friend too - and with my ridiculously high standards for it, it's hard to find. Luckily, I have found it in more than a few people in my lifetime. For that, I'm extremely grateful. You know who you are.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Day 1 - Something I hate about myself - 30 Days of Truth

The challenge here is to keep "something" singular. I could go on a rampage with things I hate about myself lately. Some of the issues I would have chosen as top billing here are things that I have really been working on lately though, so I'm not going with them. As in, my ability to take EVERYTHING personally. Whoa. That's a great one to let go, let me tell you.

What I hate about myself right now, something that I can't seem to stop doing, is living in the worry of the future. I don't seem to know how to live in the now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not next month. Not next year. Not when Christopher starts kindergarten. Not when the house will finally be finished. Not when the chemo stops working.

I hate that I waste so much of today by worrying about tomorrow.

I want to learn to live in the now.

This is part of the 30 Days of Truth series. You can find the entire list here.

Halloween costumes 2010

If you are so inclined, pop on over to my craft blog, Specraftular, and take a peek at the making of Super Why and Baby Caesar. Cuteness awaits you.

Super Moses

This is baby Moses. Christopher made him in Sunday School this past Sunday. He came home in a little basket made from a paper plate cut in half and sewn together with yarn.

It is very important to me that my boys be raised in the church. I want them to have that community and the foundation of faith that being an active member of a congregation affords. I haven't been great about getting there myself on a regular basis, but now that Christopher is old enough for Sunday School, I've been making a much stronger effort. Much to Colin's chagrin, as he detests the nursery - or any other separation from me. Ever.

When I picked up Christopher this past Sunday, he told me a little about the story of Moses. As in, Moses was a baby who they put in a basket. Even with the missing details, I was still a very proud Mama. My little boy is learning the stories in the Bible.

We got home and the first thing he did was flip up baby Moses' blanket so that it became a cape. Then he proceeded to run through the house with poor baby Moses flying high above his head while yelling, "It's Super Why to the rescue!!!"

Sigh.