Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Little shards of truth

I know. I'm supposed to be on break, visiting with my folks. And I am, but they need some quiet time, and so do I. Every once in awhile of course. So far it has been great having them here, and I think Daddy is doing really well. I am quite surprised actually. Pleasantly surprised.

He can't remember Lovely's name, and called her, "The little girl who lives here sometimes," which made me cry. But he can't help it, and it's not personal. I just continue to remind him, and Momma makes up for it by gushing about how wonderful she is. Which is true, so it's easy.

There is something on my mind though. Something that I need to flesh out, and I might as well try to do it here. I don't really want to go back to therapy right now if I can help it.

Guy wants to know why I think the hospital is the enemy. Why I feel like I will be fighting them tooth and nail to get the birth that I want for Little Bird to have. And while I'm not even convinced that I do feel that way, it is an interesting question.

I know that I want to be comfortable at the hospital. Comfortable as in relaxed and confident that I am being listened to and have first say in what is going on as long as things are moving along safely. I don't want to feel as though I'm being treated like someone who is sick or incapable of taking care of themselves. I want to feel strong, and I want to feel prepared.

So maybe I do feel that way. Maybe I do feel like I won't have much of a say and like everything is happening "to me" instead of "with me."

Little shards of truth still lay under my skin I guess. Things I haven't said aloud. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Laying under my skin and growing scars around them that are ugly and infected.

1. I had never been in the hospital before my D&C.

2. The last thing I said to anyone before they put me under was, "I don't care if he's dead. I don't want you to take my baby."

So there. It is really not a mystery. Just some things in my head I haven't learned to live with yet. Things that I didn't even know might be an answer when Guy asked the question the other day.

They probably have a lot to do with an answer. I know it's not the same. I know the two experiences are not related. I know all the logical answers.

Funny how none of that matters when you let your fears guide you.