Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor.


I wrote that first sentence about 3 hours ago. Then I walked away. Then I walked back. Checked in on some of my favorites. Karaoke Diva has a new blog design, some great pictures, and a scary story about her son (he is okay now though). Kristen is talking about divooce. Nancy is doing parental madlibs.

I'm just delaying anxiety.


Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor. Alone.


Since December, I have been doing everything with Guy. He was laid off from work at the absolute worst and best time. Double whammy - lost job and lost baby - but still. He has had all the time in the world to help me along.

We have been together 24/7 ever since. We even go to therapy together. Although our therapist has laid down the, "Guy can't hold Canape's hand and stroke her head when she is getting out a good cry in the 50 minute hour."


Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions.


I want some answers. Even if they are multiple choice answers. I want to know what some of the reasons I'm not pregnant yet might be. Could it be related to the miscarriage? Could it be related to our ages? Could it be related to my emotions and this blasted anxiety? I want to know the possibilities.

I'm trying. I'm eating better. I'm exercising. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins. I'm charting. Lord knows I'm having sex. Insert the "oh yeah-Luther Vandross-booty circling dance" here.

So I want to know what the possible answers are. And I'm am going to ask all by myself. Somehow, I know that I'm not conveying the importance of this.

I am a fiercely independent person. Fiercely. People who have known me a long time have their questions about me and Guy and my sudden "lack of independence." They are confusing a lack of independence with a "desire to be together," and a "sincere enjoyment of each other's company." I can see how that could happen.

However.


Tomorrow I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions. And I will be strong.


There is this part of me that doesn't want to try anymore. A defeated part of me. And that is so crazy because it hasn't been long at all. But I don't have any experience to put at the end of a pregnancy except pain. And with each month that the bleeding starts again, I am yanked back into the one moment that the bleeding was such a bad sign. And that is so crazy too. But true. I'm sighing at myself for even typing it, but dare I avoid it?

Then I sit up straight and take a good deep breath. And I quell that part of me because it is the irrational part. The part that lets emotion guide thought instead of thought guiding emotion. I will not do that anymore.


Tomorrow I go back to the doctor. Alone. With my charts and my questions. And I will be strong. I will not give up.