It would be nice to say that I am a person who likes to plan. That I like to know what to expect in life. It would be not as nice to say that I am a control freak. That I like to know that circumstances won't surprise me.
There is one time in my life that I can say I let go. I let the unexpected in, trusted someone else, and never looked back. It is the best decision I ever made.
Two years ago, there was a man I knew I like hanging out with. A man who made me laugh. A man who was a musician on the side. A man whose real job I couldn't even explain at the time. He was a good guy. He was a better guy than the other guys I was seeing, but he had baggage. And he was older than me. By about a decade.
One night, we sat in his car after a casual dinner of comparing divorce notes, lawyer fees, the prospect of dating again, and life upheaval in general, he turns to me and says,
"I want to tell you something, and it will mean that you will either never want to see me again, or quite the opposite. I think we would be good together."
What did you say?
"I think that we would be good together, and I want to see it happen. I want to be with you."
There was no real conversation. I stared out the window in complete disbelief while he went on about the life he saw us having together until he finally said,
"You are scaring me with your silence. Have I made a really bad mistake here?"
I don't have anything to offer you. I'm young, all I have is a house, a low paying job, and a bunch of dogs. You don't want me.
And then he began to list my assets. None of which were financial. And none of which had to do with my boobs. It is a list that I hold dear to my heart and have never shared with anyone. The list feels like little secrets about me that only he saw, and that only he made me see about myself.
And I knew that I loved him.
And a year later I married him.
And a year after that I'm even more sure than ever that it is miracle we found each other, and that he is a gift to me. He restores my faith.
Happy anniversary, Schmoopinator. I love you more than Diet Coke.
July 24, 2006
