Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I don't know nothing about no babies

It's not that I'm ready for Bird to come. I'm not sure that I am. I kind of like having him right here with me all the time. I kind of like having him poking at me and squirming about. He is certainly easier to take care of now than he will be in a couple of weeks.

But I'm getting anxious that he is alright. I'm getting anxious that he is out of room. He doesn't move like he used to, and although I know that it is because he can't, I still worry. I still count his movements and give him a gentle rub to make sure he responds. He always does, but I still worry.

My Sil told me that the worry starts when you find out you are pregnant and just continues on forever.

My biggest worry now though, is that I won't know how to be a mom. What if I can't figure out how I'm supposed to love this little guy?

I've never been the nurturing type. The other day, one of my younger students, a sixth grader, was having a meltdown over her least favorite contest piece. Some days, I'll listen, offer a tissue, and try to be understanding. Last week? I just looked at her and told her she would have to wait until after her lesson to cry because we didn't have time to deal with it today. I told her I was sorry she was frustrated, but she just had to pull it together so we could get our work done.

Looking back, that was harsh. She did respond and pull it together, but I find that it is more in my nature to be very matter of fact with children and not at all coddle them. I have always been in the camp of children being little people, not just children.

I believe that the best thing I can teach a child is independence. How to do it themselves. I teach my students how to learn on their own, not how to play each piece. I teach them how to problem solve, not how to recite back a bunch of notes. I want them to grow up to be pianists and musicians who understand on their own what it is they are doing.

I also believe that in teaching a child how to do things for themselves, you instill in them confidence. By telling my students that I believe they can do it on their own, they start to believe it too. And then they can. They can accomplish things on their own simply because someone told them they could and gave them the tools to do it.

It doesn't feel like any of those beliefs or my natural instincts are maternal. It feels like the opposite. I'm anxious that I will expect too much from my child too soon.

He will be helpless.

I haven't dealt with helpless before. Not well, at least. And that makes me more than a little nervous.

I have good support though, and when I talked about this with Guy last night he said,

"You won't be alone taking care of the baby."

He's right. He will be here to help, and he knows what he's doing more than I do. That is a huge comfort.

Just hashing some things out here before they show up in my dreams again.

Last night, I dreamed I had the slipperiest baby ever and that it just slid right on out and I caught him myself.

It was a much shorter dream because I barely slept. Every time I would fall asleep I would immediately wake myself back up again by snoring like a gorilla.

And that makes me want for Little Bird to go ahead and come. Because I'm already exhausted.