It feels like the interwebs are telling you goodbye. I hate it. Selfishly, I hate all of the virtual hugs and kisses and last words of how amazing you are. It's making my heart explode with the hot air from the screaming I'm holding inside. The screams that I choke back every time my mouth opens.
STOP. I will not do it. I will not say goodbye. Not here. Not online. NOT NOW.
You made me promise you to never tell you that it was "alright to let go." At the time, I felt like that was unfair and one of the hardest things you could ask of me. To see you suffer, to see you in pain, to know that you are hurting so - to ask you to hold on, to demand that you try something else, to know that I was telling you the right thing to do was keep living.
It was almost too much.
But it wasn't. It isn't. And I get it now.
You will never stop living. No matter what pain you are in, you will continue to live. Until you don't.
There is no battle or fight. There is only life. Your life will in all likelihood be shorter than mine. I don't want it to be, but it is what it is. You are not losing though. You are not giving up. You are living, and I will never tell you to do anything but that.
I get it now.
So I tell you publicly what I have been telling you privately for five years now, "Keep living. As long as God gives you breath and life, keep living."
Monday, January 23, 2012
Do it
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It's alright to feel this way. It is not selfish to keep your promises. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and she is too. Together, you are a force to be reckoned with.
Suck it cancer -- these two are stronger than that.
-Abby
Yes.
ReplyDeleteWell said, good and steadfast friend.
ReplyDeleteThere is no goodbye-- not when you are as connected as the two of you are, and always will be.
Know I am thinking of you both.
xoxo CGF
I love you both.
ReplyDeleteYou have both been in my thoughts and prayers lately.
ReplyDeleteYou will both remain their with your families.
thank you for writing this. thank you. right now there is nothing else I want to read for the rest of my life. there is nothing else.
ReplyDeleteAll we ever have is the moment we are in - and it's all we ever need. Yay to living right now!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. You both have been in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAmazing. As she is.
ReplyDeleteMarty,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. There are no endings, only new and different beginnings. There are no good-byes. Simply "See you soons." This I know in my heart. I will pray for you, and continue to pray for Susan.
Thinking of and praying for Susan and for you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am one of the many sending virtual love to Susan, but I know my feelings of 'sisterhood' with Susan (I also have metastatic IBC) pale in significance to the sisterhood you two have had through the years. I love this post - and my message to Susan didnt say goodbye either - it said 'Kia Kaha' which is Maori for 'stand strong', which Susan continues to do with the help of her family, faith and friends.
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying for you and for Susan.
ReplyDeleteYou feel a little like your friend's been befriended by the whole internet? She has. But she's still your friend.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you.
Ok, this is my third attempt at commenting, but the third time is the charm, right? I have been in your shoes and they are the most uncomfortable shoes I have ever worn. ever. Six years later and they still hurt. But I keep wearing them. And I will never, ever take them off, because every single day they remind me of our times together. I leave you with the same advice you are giving your Susan - "Keep living. As long as God gives you breath and life, keep living." It's going to be hard, but you can do it.
ReplyDeleteYou tell her! Lotsa love my friend.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you and hugs across the internet.
ReplyDeleteI had to stop for a moment and read "Anonymous" post again and again....as I was coming here to write the exact same things (except is hasn't been six years). Anonymous ~ I love what you wrote, it's exactly what I wanted to say to Marty also. Marty - we're here for you, and Susan. I wish you weren't going through this, but you are and I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. And her. The bond you two share (and this post for her) is so touching.
ReplyDeleteI, too, love you both.
ReplyDeleteHi. My best friend has IBC too. I've read ToddlerPlanet on and off for years, but it was often too close to my own IRL friend's situation. So I'm here to tell you--I'm thinking about you too. A lot. Because damn, IBC seems to target the fierce.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Thinking of her. Wishing you strength and miracles.
I'm so glad you posted this - have been following Susan but could not bring myself to say good bye either, nor am I ahppy about everyone else saying good bye.I'm not going to it-not online - NOT NOW.
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ReplyDeletePerrine