Adventures turned traditions

Last year I wasn't blogging in October. Let's hear it for internet stalkers! There was this one afternoon last October that I took off with Little Bird on an adventure, and I never wrote about it. I wanted to, because it was like this great turning point with us. We were a team, out to find the fun in life.

Granted, it was just a pumpkin patch, but for this mama, who barely left the house the first six months of Bird's life, it was more than that. It was freedom.

Bird and I hit the farm and rode the train, watched the goats, took a hayride, and picked out the most perfect pumpkin we could find. We left the stroller at home in favor of snuggling in a sling. Bird passed out on the way home, exhausted with I hope was sheer joy. It was also the first time I had that feeling of wishing he would remember the things we did together - that long term memory.

This year, Kevin wanted to join us. Since Lovely is tracked out in October, we planned the trip for when she was with us. The day was cold, windy, and it kept misting. It was not a great day for a pumpkin patch visit in Kevin's eyes, but I thought it was perfect. I love it when the weather starts to foreshadow the winter to come. We bundled up, piled in the Jeep and headed to Youngsville.

Bird may not remember our trip there last year, and he may not remember the one this year, but we will. We'll remember how he stomped out ahead of us all, leading the way to the train. We'll remember how he bounced in the hay and waited for me or Lovely to hold his hands, count to three, and help him jump. We'll remember how he ran through the rows of pumpkins, pointing at pumpkin after pumpkin, shouting "PUMKIN" like we wouldn't see them if he didn't tell us about them.

Fun afternoons and adventures are turning into traditions. Family traditions. I really love that.

Acting lessons

He sits in his high chair and shakes his finger at me.

"No No NO NO!"

And with the final "NO," he pushes his plate away. Another mealtime takes a turn into a battle zone, and I find myself torn between not wanting my child to be hungry and not wanting to give in when all he wants to eat is peanut butter.

What bothers me more than the eating though is the look on his face. He had to learn that scowl somewhere. He had to learn that finger shaking from someone.

I'm afraid it's me.

This past week has been full of "MINE" and "NO." He spent the afternoon literally taking toys from a baby. He would take whatever the baby had and claim it as his own. If he wasn't taking things from the baby, he was taking things off coffee tables and countertops. It wasn't our house. I spent the afternoon chasing him down, shaking my finger at him, and saying, "No."

He will scowl and tell a stranger "NO" if they get too close to him. On the one hand, it's not such a bad thing, but I hate that it has been his default action this week.

Every time he scowls, yells, shakes a finger, or is generally ugly, a little piece of my heart breaks off because I'm quite sure that he learned it from me.

Starting at mealtime.

I am so frustrated by his refusal to put anything but grapes, bananas, yogurt, or peanut butter in his mouth. I lose my patience. I scowl. I point my finger.

It's not getting him to eat any better, but it's teaching him to act like me.

I don't want to be angry mommy. I don't want to raise angry son.

We need more smiles, and I'm scared of how I'll be when there's another one. Where will my patience leave me then? Why are there days when I get so frustrated that I don't even seem to enjoy being a mother?

I need an attitude adjustment. I need more smiling. I need more patience.

I also need for my child to eat a piece of meat and a vegetable EVER. But that's an issue for another day.

Hump day, dump day

This was first thing this morning. The City of Raleigh said on our last bill, which was e-freaking-normous, that we were using 625 gallons of water a day. No way.

Kevin checked the meter while all the water was shut off in the house, and it wasn't spinning. There were no signs of water in our front yard. We assumed our meter was whacked and asked them to come check it.

They declared our meter to be working fine and then slapped us with a "leak notice" that came with 48 hours to fix it. Today, in the cold and rain, Kevin and Mr. Rob rented a backhoe and went at it. They replaced the main water line to the house, so there is no more leak. However, in the meantime, they also cut right through the AT&T trunk line for the street.

The "no cuts" people didn't mark that one. Oops.

Our yard, which had such lovely lovely grass, is now a mudhole. Our DIY plumbers are finished and the AT&T crew are finished. We have phone, internet, and water again. It's a trade off for the grass, but what are you going to do?

But wait, there's more.

Here's how happy Little Bird was all day. If it weren't for his big sister being here to play with him, this look would have permanently frozen on his face. His teeth are torturing him. He has top molars that have been coming in for MONTHS. Now, his bottom canines have stalled out in a position where they are close enough to be able to be seen right below the gum, but the gum hasn't broken yet. Add on some awful seasonal allergies that he inherited from both his daddy and his mama, and you have one miserable little boy this week.

Mama ain't happy either.

To top the whole day off, it turns out that the SPCA here is not a no-kill shelter after all. I talked the the adoption center today because a sweet old chihuahua has taken up residence in our kitchen, but he can't stay. If we can't find his family, we are going to have to take him somewhere.

Back to the SPCA though. The adoption center told me that they were no-kill, but that I would have to take the little guy to the lost and found pet center where he might get cleared to go to the adoption center. I feel really deceived, but perhaps I had just been misunderstanding all along. Either way, I can't take him there. He is so old; he will never get cleared for the adoption center.

Poor little dude. He's sleeping soundly on Kevin's lap right now. He can't stay here though. Bird has already tried to sit on him and pet him WAY too enthusiastically. Plus, Aja and Gibson are about 100 times bigger than him and are not excited about the possibility of a new pack member. Plus, plus, the little chihuahua has been growling at the big dogs as though he could take them on at the same time, when in reality, Gibson could eat him in one bite. We are not a good home for this little guy.

Besides, he has a home. It's pretty obvious. He wants to be with people. His fur is evident of long time collar wear. He doesn't stink. He isn't thin. And I don't know how to describe it, but you can tell that he really really wants to go home. It's breaking my heart.

Tomorrow doesn't have to be much better to beat out today. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Long term memory

Long term memory. It doesn't kick in until around four, my friend Dave said while he was visiting. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

There are so many things that I wish Little Bird would remember. I wish that he would remember the They Might Be Giants concert. All the details, down to "no NOOOOOOO!" as he sang along with the band. I know that it made an impact on him because he frequently requests "Giants" when we get in the car, but I know that he won't remember that afternoon.

I wish that he would remember eating popsicles on the porch while the dogs chase him around, waiting for a drip or two. He only scolds the big lab though, turning to him and saying, "No, no, Gibby, no no!" Poor Gibson. Even the toddler scolds him.

The five minutes of deep full on belly laughter that occurs between bath time and book time, while his daddy tickles him on our bed - I can video it, but I wish that he would be able to store it in his memory.

Of course, these first few years that he won't remember, I guess they are giving me a little grace too. He won't remember that I lost my temper that day and broke his crib. He won't remember when his daddy misses dinner because he's working. He won't remember how badly it hurt for all of those teeth to come in, and how slowly it happened.

He also won't remember being my only baby. He won't remember having 100% of my attention most of the time. But I will. Fondly. I'm looking forward to being the mama of two boys, but I can't help but wonder if Bird got the best of times. The just he and I times. If so, that long term memory, rather the lack thereof, means that it will be my little secret at least.

One day, no hate

I don't talk politics very often. For good reason, too. I don't know politics. To be able to discuss politics means that you have taken the time to find out facts from an unbiased source, and these days, that is increasingly difficult to do.

The talking heads cloud the issues. I don't enjoy the rhetoric.

But today, Corina has suggested we talk openly, without hate. It's a good thing to do everyday, but I usually choose to just not talk because you never know who is listening and what they are going to give back at you.

So here goes. A few of my opinions.

I believe that health care in America is broken and needs to be fixed. There are ideas from both sides of the issue that I think are good ideas, and I think that when reform begins, it is just that - a beginning. I think that reform will need to evolve over time, but that it is time to start now.

I believe that government shouldn't be small in one area in large in another. If you want government to tell people who can and cannot get married, then you are asking for license for them to dictate a lot more.

I believe that taxes are necessary, but wish that they were used more wisely. The government could use to get back to some of its Presbyterian roots and revisit the idea of stewardship.

I believe that it's beyond time to bring our men and women home from an unproductive war.

I believe that education is in crisis in our country and am nervous about my child turning five and starting public school.

So there. That's five things that could be controversial, or not. If you disagree with any of them, feel free to tell me so today. It's a day to disagree without hate and learn more about those who might disagree with you. So go forth and be kind, how's about it?

These are a few of my favorite things

Music.




















Baseball.















Books.

He is definitely my child.

It's up to me and only me

One thing that was so refreshing to discover at the Type A Mom Conference this past weekend, is that I'm not completely insane. It's always nice to discover that, I think.

What I mean is, that for awhile now, I've been pondering why it is that people can't just do their best, rise above, and quit telling everyone else how to do things. In the blogosphere, that is.

Let me give you an example. I'm a piano teacher. Well, when I'm working, I'm a piano teacher. I teach out of my home. So does another woman in my neighborhood. I teach on a 6'4" Mason & Hamlin grand piano, use the latest notation and ear training software on a large flat screen HP computer, and am a member of all of the professional organizations. I hold a Bachelor of Music in music composition, perform and record regularly, and my students kick ass in competitions, if I do say so myself.

The other teacher in my neighborhood teaches on a spinet, has no degree, doesn't enter competitions, and simply decided that since she could play the piano a little, that it would be a good way to make money from home. Teaching lessons, that is.

Needless to say, the other teacher charges less than me. She gets more students coming in her door because she is cheaper and just as convenient as I am. She is patient and kind, and never tells the parents that their children need to invest more time in their lessons at home.

If I applied what I keep hearing from other bloggers to this situation, then I should have a sit down with this other teacher and talk to her about how she is bringing down my profession. I should ask her to join our organizations, charge more, and be a better teacher. I should call her up and let her know that she is cheapening what I do, and belittling piano teachers everywhere.

And actually? I know a couple of teachers in town that have done just that. They got nowhere with it, and people generally don't like them.

Here's the way I see it.

That woman calls herself the same thing I do: a piano teacher. However, calling herself one doesn't make her one. Sure, I "miss out" on a number of students whose families aren't willing to pay what I charge. I happen to look at it as though she is weeding out the people who aren't worth me spending time away from my children. The people who aren't serious about their child's music education and are just looking for another after school activity.

It is up to me to continue proving why I'm better and worth more money. It is my responsibility to live ethically and be the kind of teacher that people seek out and don't just stumble upon. My success or worth has nothing to do with the other people who are in my same profession - it has to do only with how well I do what I do. The other teacher has nothing to do with who I am.

There is room for everyone. Back to blogging, there is room for good writers, bad writers, reviewers, monetizers, writers who get paid, writers who don't. The internet isn't going to run out of room, and if you are true to yourself - authentic - then you will be successful.

What you need to feel validated and successful is unique to you. While one woman may be excited to be paid in cupcakes, another one may demand $300 for a post. It doesn't mean that the woman demanding $300 for a post won't get it. It's not like the same company that would be looking at her in the first place would then go and consider all of us cupcake writers out there.

I'm validated by the relationships created through this space. Cupcakes are nice too, but mainly, I just really like having a place to write and an outlet that leads me to other women writers as well.

I think Mommy Niri said it quite well, "Blog and let blog," or as I like to say, "It's alright with me if you suck," which was going to be my title until I realized that some people might not find that funny. Except Abby.

Type A Mom Conference, Part Uno

I'm home again. I've snuggled my son, snuggled my husband and then some, and finally taken a bath. My roomie would be pleased. I didn't intend on not bathing, I just didn't. Well, just not often. This is so far off topic already and totally TMI. Hooray.

After attending two very good BlogHer conferences, which I would still recommend to people, I can also say that the Type A Mom Conference was far superior for me. For who I am as a blogger, it was the best conference I've attended. I loved the size and the focus on moms as bloggers. It was a ton easier to meet people, and you ended up being able to see some of the new people you met more than just once.

Kelby rocked the planning the conference. One thing she got right over other conferences was the food. There was plenty of it, and she even thought ahead about nursing and pregnant attendees, who need extra healthy snacks during the day. Where at BlogHer '07, I frequently felt as though I would faint at any minute because I was a starving preggo, this past weekend, I was able to get a banana or a Nutrigrain bar and a bottle of water at any time. It was great.

There is so much more to say, but that was the length of Kevin's shower. Now he's back, and I want to spend some time with him. And my new perspective on blogging includes - do it when you can and quit when you need to. That may lead to a week's worth of short Type A Mom posts, but that's perfectly fine.

Thanks, Kelby and everyone who helped you, for a great weekend.

Road trip

I'm headed out to the Type A Mom Conference. This morning, I'll be picking up Abby in Kevin's crazy tiny car, packing all of our stuff into its crazy tiny trunk, and headed for the mountains.

Here are my confessions:

1. I'm not as excited as I could be. I want to go, and I don't want to go all at the same time.

2. It's the first time I've ever been away from Bird overnight. Ever. In his entire life. Hence the want/not want feelings.

3. I'm scared that Bird will wean while I'm gone. While I know this would be alright, and that he isn't really nursing that much anymore anyway, I really wanted it to be his decision and not because I left him for three days. Of course, I should have thought more about this when planning the trip. Duh.

4. Mixed in with my ambiguous feelings is the pure excitement of being free for three days. Even though I don't feel the need to carve out a bunch of "me time" - I actually enjoy being with my kiddo and being his mom 24/7 - there is part of me that is excited about not cooking or cleaning for three days. Yay.

5. I'm not worried about Kevin taking care of Bird. I feel like I'm supposed to be, but I'm not.

6. I've never really spent time on the Type A Mom website, but the conference is in Asheville and far more affordable than BlogHer.

7. I don't read many of the blogs of the people speaking. Some, but not many. Will be out of the loop I guess.

8. I don't care to monetize my blog or connect with sponsors. Although if VW wants to give us a Touareg to test drive for awhile, I wouldn't turn that down. That's a sweet deal. But really, I'm kinda wondering what I'll do that will be conferencey like.

9. This trip is coming at a time when I've started to think that blogging is more work than I have time for. We'll see . . .

Giants

Last Saturday, we took Little Bird to see They Might Be Giants. Our friend Abby saved us some fabulous seats on the fourth row, and we got to rock out with not one excited toddler, but two. It was the best way to see the show.

Bird has long been soothed by "I Never Go to Work." I'm not sure of the implications of that, but it has been a favorite song of his since he was about six months old. We could put that on in the car and stop any crying instantaneously. Now, he sings along with it, pulling a word here and there from each phrase. As you can tell by the picture, he always gets a big "NOOOOOOOO!" in there. He'll also pull in a "DAY" here and there and sometimes even a big "HOLIDAY!" He also likes to put his fist up to his mouth and pretend he's playing trumpet during the second verse. It's beyond adorable.

They didn't play his second favorite song, "High Five." As soon as that song starts, he sings, "HIGH FIVE!" followed by a series of words that his mama knows are "don't stop" and "up top," but I'm not sure a stranger would. He also particularly loves to throw in the "WHEEEEEE!"

Bird has been to a few concerts already. He wasn't overly excited about The Connells, but loved Mosadi Music. He tolerated all the bands at Gibson Summer Jam about as well as I did. But this? He absolutely LOVED this. He danced, he sang. He had a great time, even on a day where he had no nap.

I don't need to tell you how much it means to me that my child loves music the way he does.

Staying power

There are few people who come into your life as friends and then remain that way forever. Sure, I've reconnected with plenty of people on Facebook, but there are less than ten there who I've been friends with for ten straight years.

A lot of that is my fault. I decided to try and completely fuck up my life in my 20's, thereby rendering me not such a good friend. Truthfully, it wasn't so much a decision as a series of really bad decisions. Including my choices in new friends.

In fact, in my collection of Facebook friends, there is a time warp of about 8 years. I have high school friends, a handful of college friends, and then jump ahead to 2005. With a couple of exceptions.

One shining exception is Uncle Dave. He has graduated from his old nickname of Tattoo Dave because he really is more family than friend.

This past weekend, Uncle Dave came for a visit. He lives in Portland now, and we miss him a lot. The last time we saw him was when we took off to Portland for a weekend to see Dave and Crowded House. It was almost two years ago to the weekend, and I was almost exactly the same amount of pregnant then as I am now. Funny.

Little Bird had never met Uncle Dave. He has seen pictures, and he has heard Dave's music. Here he is head bobbing along to one of Dave's tunes:



I love that.

Uncle Dave, who really would be a wonderful Daddy Dave with the right Mommy, got to spend lots of time with Bird, and Bird couldn't have loved him more. He was fascinated, and I know that he misses him now.

I know this because when he picked up his pretend phone today, he didn't call Papa for the first time in forever.

He called Dave. "Day-ahve?" Multi-syllabic Dave has earned a treasured spot in Bird's imaginary phone calls.

It's a good man and a good friend who stays your friend through divorce, remarriage, and then not only tolerates your toddler, but actually enjoys spending time with him. Could the universe please explain why he hasn't been snatched up already?

Flying by

I had this moment of realization today. Bird is growing up. I know that's not a brilliant deduction or anything, but it just became glaringly clear.

There are videos that I want to take of him and the way he talks right now in this moment so I can remember his baby voice.

There are lists of words that he says that I want to write down.

There are stories I want to tell about his new t-ball set and how much he loves all balls now.

I want to record how he says "Grover" in his best Grover growly voice.

So much of what is going on, I want to put here in this space. To share and to make sure that I remember it. But lately, I've been too busy living it. It's going too fast now to experience it and record it properly.

I hope I find a balance soon, because it's all too rich to miss out on.

667

This is just because I like it. And also because I couldn't shut down with 666 posts on my blog.

Lovely and Bird, each the president of the other's fan club. It's awesome.

Snapshot. Snap judgment.

Little Bird is easy going. He says "Hi!" to almost everyone we pass, and when we leave a store, he turns around and waves like he is in a parade, calling out, "Bye! Bye! Buh-bye!"

Thus far, we have avoided an all out disastrous tantrum in a store. If I can get him in the door and into the shopping cart without him yelling, "Walk walk!" then I know it's going to be a good trip.

A lot of days though, he wants to walk through the stores, more often than not, pushing the cart. Without help. Which doesn't work well at all. Sometimes he will settled into the cart within a couple of minutes, but sometimes not. It is never longer than five minutes that he cries and protests. It feels like a lot longer to me, but it's really not.

In that five minutes, I push through the aisles, quietly telling Bird some version of,

"I understand that you are angry. You want to walk through the store, and I'm making you ride in the cart. You are frustrated, and that's alright. I need you to calm down now."

We walk past people who turn and look at my crying child. Some of them look with empathy. That's usually the other moms. Some of them will make a funny face at him to try and get him to laugh. That's usually the employees. Then there is the person who looks at him, then at me, and back at him, lasering their disdain through their stares.

Truth be told, I don't care what they think. If I had to have a conversation with them though, I would point out that they are witnessing about 10 seconds in the life of my child. I would like them to consider that their scowls are just as unpleasant as Bird's cries, only quieter. I would like to point out that if they run into us a few aisles down, that he will likely be done crying and wave to them with his friendly, "Hi!" because he doesn't hold grudges like grumpy old people.

It's just a snapshot. It's not the whole story. It doesn't make him a bad child.

I guess that's why I just can't shake this story. The man slapped a toddler in a Walmart because she wouldn't quit crying in what he deemed the right amount of time. Oh, and I forgot to mention, she wasn't his child.

This was a total stranger who came up and slapped the little girl several times across the face.

He was arrested and charged with a felony, which is totally appropriate. But I can't shake that feeling of what would I have done? The emotional side of me wants to say that I would have kicked him in the balls as hard as I could. But I know I wouldn't have.

I think I would have put myself between he and my child and called the police. Rational, but proactive. I think. I really hope that I never have to find out.

That man must be seriously disturbed.

We are all just fine

Today was Little Bird's first day of school. Technically, it's Mother's Morning Out, but since he can't say all of that, but can say "school," we're going with that.

Last night, I melted down. His backpack hadn't arrived yet. I hadn't even bought him a lunchbox because it hadn't occurred to me that he needed one - I was thinking brown bag, but he needed a freezer pack thermal thing for his milk. I hadn't washed the outfit I really wanted him to wear, and I hadn't packed up the things from his room before I put him to bed.

I felt like a failure, and I didn't want to be away from my little boy for four hours. It was going to be the longest I had been away from him while he was awake, and all of the sudden, I didn't want to take him.

There were excuses I could have used. He is cutting his canines and between the pain in his mouth and his torn up drool stool bottom, he really is very uncomfortable. That would have been a good excuse. But it would have been just that: an excuse.

It came down to reminding myself that this was going to be good for Bird. He needs to learn a little more independence. He needs to learn how to play well with others.

He was going to have fun. It was just me who was dreading it.

This morning, I packed his lunch in his daddy's lunchbox. It was just fine. I packed his diapers and extra clothes in his daddy's tres cool diaper bag. It was just fine. I dressed him in a different outfit than planned, and it was just fine.

We arrived a few minutes early, and while I was filling in the daily information sheet, he figured out the door handle to his room and let himself in. A teacher came to the door before I could catch him and brought him back to me.

"Just five more minutes, okay?"

Bird whimpered. He whimpered because he wanted to go inside and play. There were other children whimpering because they didn't.

When it was finally time for him to go in, he went willingly into his teacher's arms. I think that he looked back for an instant, but I might have just made that up to make it easier for me to walk away. He was just fine.

I came back, four hours later, to find him running circles, chasing about a dozen balls. The other children were watching the door for their mommies, but not Bird. He would have preferred to stay with the wonderful room full of balls. Mean, mean Mama, drug him away from paradise. He didn't miss me at all. He had a wonderful time.

And I'm just fine.

Labor Day

Of course, Labor Day is for laboring.

That's my husband. With power tools.

That's a giant hole in my dining room. To the outside.

Life with Kevin is never, ever boring.

Excavating by Bird

There has been a bit of construction going on in our backyard. Our good friend Tom owns his own tractor like thing, and he loves to move dirt with it.

We have lots of dirt to move, so that works out well for all of us.

I don't know many 19 month olds in suburbia American who get to ride a tractor around their backyard. Uncle Tom is the coolest.

And yes, I'm enormous. I'm well aware of this, but really don't plan on curing it until late January, 2010. So, I might as well enjoy it while I can. Even if the pictures are frightening.

Letters

Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield,

Thank you for having not one, but two very nice ladies available to help me over the phone today. I now understand better why I had to shell out a large chunk of money for my one routine ultrasound that is supposed to be included in my global maternity plan.

While your customer service people were nice and helpful, it doesn't change the fact that I'm getting screwed here. Having switched from an OB to a midwife will save you a huge amounts of money. The three days that I won't spend in the hospital this time? Will save you a huge amount of money. All of the decisions that I am making in this pregnancy happen to save you huge amounts of money.

So why is it that it's costing me so much more?

Sincerely,
Just another American frustrated with health care and insurance companies


Dear Jardin people,

You make a lovely crib. I did not mean to break it when I was so pissed off earlier today. I now know that I can't yank the rail up that hard. At least not without breaking the little plastic parts on the bottom.

The fact that you are sending me the new parts free of charge and so quickly is very nice, and it makes me wonder if you realize that it's my own damn fault the thing broke in the first place.

Sincerely,
A mommy who seriously needs a break


Dear Glenn,

I'm guessing that working at Babies'R'Us in the furniture department is not your dream job. Maybe you had your sights set on something white collar, 8-5, that came with a company car. I don't know. Maybe, you are really good at retail.

However, I for one, am grateful that you work there. You probably just thought you were doing your job, but unless your job description includes dealing with insanely hormonal pregnant women who cry on the phone to you while their toddlers scream and throw things in the background? Unless it includes that, you went way above and beyond today.

I didn't know the brand, the model number, or where it was made. You knew your cribs so well, that you helped me identify it over the phone by describing a couple of specific parts on it. When you realized that I still had one child using the crib, you asked if you could call me back so you could see if there were parts you could take off a crib in stock so I could have them today.

When you couldn't actually get the parts for me today, you instead gave me the part numbers and phone number and everything else I needed to order them myself so they would get to me faster. You did pretty much everything but come to my house and dial the phone for me.

My day sucked. You not only helped my fix Bird's crib, you helped fix my day. I should probably tell your boss.

Sincerely,
That same mommy who seriously needs a break

My boys

Dear Little Bean,

I think you need a new name. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet, but Butterbean just doesn't fit you. You, the kicking, twisting, must be made known, you.

You actually do have a new name. As of today, we know what we will call you when you are born because we know that you are a boy. Oh boy, do we know you are a boy.

The ultrasound tech didn't have that wand on my tummy for more that 5 seconds when you mooned us, threw your legs open, and showed us all of your glory. She didn't have to tell us what you were; I started laughing and said, "Is that what I think it is?" And it was. My little exhibitionist.

I guess it's safe to say now how very much I wanted you to be a boy. There are both pragmatic and emotional reasons involved. The pragmatic is obvious: I already have all the clothes you need in the proper season. Score.

The emotional reasons are a little more complicated. One reason is that I didn't want for your big sister to feel like she was being replaced with a new little girl. Maybe she wouldn't have. She's pretty amazing, and I think - I hope - that she is secure in how much she is loved. But I'm glad for that reason.

Also, knowing that you are a little boy reassures me that I know what to do with you. While I know that you won't come out just a carbon copy of your big brother, I feel like I know how to love a little boy and take care of a little boy. That might never make sense to you, since you won't ever be somebody's mama, but it makes sense to me.

My heart melts when I think about "my boys" now. I love saying it. I love finding reasons to say it. I can't wait until you get here and I get to say, "Today, me and the boys . . . " which is of course terrible grammar, but I love the way it sounds.

My boys. My boys.

My heart.

I am so in for it.

Love,
Your Mama

The kid's gonna be alright

I hover. It comes naturally to me. A smidge of control freak mixed in with an annoying amount of always being right sets poor Little Bird up for a lifetime of me up in his business.

Already, I'm consciously trying to let go where I can. He runs in the play area at the pool while I watch without chasing. He climbs up and goes down the Little Tykes slide without me holding his hand. He is learning everyday how to do more without me hovering.

This weekend, I stopped by my favorite maternity store to see what might be on sale and capable of making me feel cute - in other words, miracles. She keeps some toys in a little play area. Bird remembered right where they were and ran to them, leaving me to shop blissfully. It's a very small store, so I didn't think twice about leaving him to play while I tried on tops in the dressing room right next to the play area.

There were also two sisters there with their mother and a little girl who was about three. One of the sisters was pregnant and shopping, the other left to go to the china shop next door, and the grandma was giving fashion advice. Bird and the little girl were playing.

At least, I thought they were.

The little girl looked so sweet in her smocked dress with matching hair bow. It never occurred to me that she was a little three year old piranha.

As I was checking out, Bird came over and stood by me. The little girl followed him and started to whack him in the face with her fists. I let out an instinctive, "No," as I scooped up my child who was just standing there, being pummeled.

It happens. I wasn't upset, and I didn't think ill of the girl or her grandma. It could have just as easily been my child who has thrown a tantrum over a train. I just picked him up, and we moved on. No big deal.

Until we got home and I noticed his arm.

Bright red bite mark. Clear as day. It could have been used to trace her through dental records if needed. That little girl bit my Bird. Hard.

At first, I was all over myself about not watching him closely enough. How could I have let that happen? I made vows all night long to never let him out of my sight again - to never let go of his hand - to never stop hovering.

Then, the next morning, the bite mark was gone.

It dawned on me that he was alright. That really, he was going to be alright.

In a couple of weeks, we go to Mother's Morning Out for the first time. Bird won't just be out of my sight, he'll be out of my reach. I'll pack his lunch and backpack, and drop him off. As in leave him. As in get back in my car and drive away without him.

He might get pummeled. He might get bit on the arm. Or, God forbid, he might be the pummeler or the biter. I don't know what will happen.

But I do know that he is going to be alright.