Letters to the world

Dear woman in the Camry,

I'm sorry that you had a hard time making up your mind whether or not you were going through the light. As you stopped and started and stopped and started again, you will be pleased to know that you made it through the legally yellow light. Unfortunately, the rest of us did not. And I had to sit there for another five minutes. I hope you had to park way far away from where you were going and have corns on your feet.

~canape


Dear Postal customers,

Wrap your own damn packages and be ready to send them when you get to the counter. It's December 20, people. It doesn't matter how you send it. It's not getting there in time. Plan ahead next year.

~canape


Dear Gibson,

You are a sweet dog and I already love you. When you jump into the passenger seat from the back it frightens me. It is also very annoying to have you riding there because you weigh more than enough to set off the seatbelt sensors. The constant dinging was driving me crazy.

And you drool a lot.

~your momma


Dear Vet that I loved so much,

I'm totally pissed at you for retiring yesterday and not telling anyone. When I called to make an appointment this morning, I never expected to be told that I should have come yesterday since now you are gone.

Just because you didn't want a big hoopla doesn't mean you shouldn't have told your clients that you were leaving. That's just wrong.

~unhappy canape


Dear nice people at Lovely's band concert,

Thank you so much for offering me your seats. It was refreshing to have multiple people want to give up their seat for the pregnant woman.

I hope you didn't find me ungrateful for not taking it. Quite frankly, Bird fits better and is happier when I'm standing up. Sitting down cramps the little dude's style.

You were all so kind though.

~tall preggo on the wall


Dear numbers of random stores,

Mason jars are not a seasonal item. I need them now. I needed them days ago. There are other things that need canning besides jelly and jam. Damn.

~mustard making canape


Dear friends of all the people that used to live here,

I am tired of getting more Christmas cards for the Smith family than we do for our own family. I am now throwing them away instead of writing "return to sender" on them. If you really know them well enough to send a card, you should also know that they moved over 2 years ago. That goes double for you, Aunt Mary. Your nephew has left the building.

~the lady of the house


Dear Guy,

I know I'm crazy all over the place right now. I know the vet thing made me cry. And a bunch of other stuff too.

Tears don't mean I'm not happy though. I still love my life with you. Hopefully I have told you that enough. Just in case I haven't though, it's true.

~shamoopie, your crazy hormonal wife