My daddy called me last night. I have a confession. I have been avoiding talking to him on the phone.
It's not that I don't miss him and don't want to talk to him, I do. But talking to him on the phone doesn't make those feelings go away because it doesn't feel like my daddy I'm talking to.
Last night, I couldn't understand much of what he was saying. He has been to speech therapy, and from what I've been told, it has helped. However, at the end of the day, if he is tired and on the phone, he is still very hard to understand.
He gave me the weather report for where they live. He always tells me about the weather. There is a chance of storms this weekend, and he is worried about them. He always worries about things now.
He and Momma are coming back for a visit and Christopher's baptism in June. He knows they are coming, but not when, so he always tells me that it will be soon. Sometimes he'll stop and ask my momma when exactly it is, but usually he will just say soon.
The confusion is disconcerting on the phone. It makes me uncomfortable some days. Whereas I used to enjoy talking to him for the conversation, now it's different. I'm not saying I don't ever enjoy talking to him. He's still my daddy. I still want to talk to him.
I worry about him though. I worry about whether or not he realizes how he comes across on the phone to me. I worry about whether or not he realizes how confused he sounds or how I can't understand what he is saying. I worry about if it suddenly occurs to him later that he called my youngest niece a boy and used male pronouns all the way through his story.
I worry because I think he would be embarrassed and I don't want him to be.
It's hard to not see him daily. I think that it would be easier to deal with if I saw him more often.
But I don't and I can't.
I sit over here, 12 hours away from him, wishing that I could pick up the phone and talk to him 10 years ago. I miss the advice. I miss the jokes that made sense. I miss the stories that I understood. I miss having a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with the weather.
I miss him. He's still here, and yet I miss him. I hope he doesn't know I feel that way.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Cloudy and a chance of rain
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ReplyDeleteHow poignant and sad! To love him for who he is must be so difficult when you know who he used to be. It's very very sad.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from. This is my first comment I believe, but you are an amazing writer. I am sure he feels the same, missing being himself. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteHe knows you love him and that's all that is important.
ReplyDeleteah, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because I understand all too well and I know how much it hurts. I just got off the phone with my mother telling me about my father's latest....it just hurts so much sometimes....and the future is even scarier.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. Such an incredible post. You spoke directly to my heart. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteMy dad is ill too. And the whole time I'm talking to him? I worry that he can hear the worry in my voice over how weak he sounds. Do I sound too cheerful? Am I overcompensating? Then I stop, try to redirect my thoughts to the positive that we're able to talk at all . . . but it's like the worry kind of fills the air in the sounds waves.
I know what your dad can hear though - he hears how much you love him. Because that's always there, no matter what our voices say in words - he feels that love and that's what matters most.
This much hurt so much. It is cruel to have to miss your daddy when he's still here. I'm sorry for this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. We're going through this with one of our family members... it really is the cruelest thing to lose them so slowly, and yet so quickly in other ways.
ReplyDeleteYou're breaking my heart. I feel the pain and sadness in your post.
ReplyDeleteI have the same issue with my grandfather. It's very hard.
Hugs and love and prayers. Your dad is awesome and loves you and remember that no matter what he sounds like.
Absolutely heartbreaking. This is a horrible disease and so hard to watch it happen to a loved one.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma covered for my grandpa for a few years, I think it was also to deny the truth herself. And now, he barely speaks at all. I miss him.
But like everyone said, your dad knows you love him. Hugs
Big hugs. This is a beautiful post and heartbreaking. You are a wonderful daughter.
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