Wednesday, January 03, 2007

No effort required

Suppose I won't know what is going to set me off for awhile. Today It was a puppy.

We stopped for gas at a very most awful BP in eastern Tennessee. Yikes. When we got out of the car, I took Lovely in to find the restroom and then not leave her side since it was a scary scary place. As we crossed the parking lot, a little puppy ran the other way. Cute little brown and black guy. Guy was getting our own pups out to go for a walk. Right before Lovely and I got to the door, I heard what sounded like a car losing a tire, a thump, and the screaming of an injured dog.

My first thought was about my own pups, but as I turned and started back to the car, I saw the little puppy limping along on 3 legs and crying its little lungs out. The sound of a hurt animal - it is so awful. It was heading for Guy and our pups. I was headed there too until I realized that Lovely was right behind me. The actions of a hurt animal - totally unpredictable. Plus, I didn't want her to have to see it.

Against all of my rescue instincts, I turned away from the puppy, put my arm around Lovely and led her back inside. She asked if the puppy had been hit by a car, and I said yes, but there was nothing we could do for it. We were in the middle of nowhere, and we couldn't take the puppy with us and our own dogs.

The people inside the gas station were unbelievably callous. The cashier told me that people drop dogs off there all the time - they are bound to get hit. Why didn't we just take him wherever we were going. We looked like the type.

I walked Lovely around to the side, where the bathroom was located, instructed her to touch as little as possible and dug through my purse for the Purell that she would need to bathe in on her way back to the car. I could still hear the puppy crying in the front of the building. When we got back to the car, I could see the puppy under it. Guy was pulling forward, and I thought he was going to run over it. I ran around, opened the door and told him that the puppy was under the car. Then, I got yelled at. The puppy had tried to bite him. The puppy had tried to bite our dogs. The puppy wouldn't come out from under our car. Guy had gotten him in the center, away from the wheels and was trying to move the car without hurting him anymore than he was already hurt. So, he already knew the puppy was under the car.

It is the second time though, that he has snapped at me. It is alright. The stress and pain of losing the baby isn't mine alone. Plus, he is about to have to go back to work knowing that he has been laid off. It is too much for one time.

I can't hold it together though. If I think for one moment that I have upset him, it sends me reeling. I guess knowing that he is on my side and we are taking every step together is what I am leaning on most now.

I cried. I don't know how long, but I cried. Lovely dug some tissue out of her backpack for me and suggested that Guy not be so harsh. The funny thing was, that after he apologized, which was practically instantaneous, I wasn't crying over him.

I was crying over that puppy. And I was crying over our baby at the same time.

Lately, I've felt nothing but helpless for the little lives that need me most. I couldn't do anything for Cleatus to help him. I don't know what happened to him, but there was nothing I could do. And, I couldn't do anything for that puppy in the middle of nowhere with my own family and pups to take care of.


It is strange what I've been connecting in my mind.

Tomorrow will be one week. Tomorrow he would have been 13 weeks. It hurts just as much now as it did last week.

My mother came in to find me crying at the computer a couple of days ago. She said to me, "Are you making yourself sad again?"

My answer, "No. I don't need to make myself sad. All I am is sad. There is no effort. I am completely sad. Thanks."

I was hoping that my mother would understand. She would understand my grief over the puppy better I think.