Wednesday, January 10, 2007

What I fear

Alright. So thanks to massive amounts of crying and lying awake until somewhere around 3:00 AM, I think I know what I am scared about in regards to the doctor's visit today. Since I am so very fond of lists, here goes:

1. Sitting in the waiting room with all the pregnant women
2. Having to pee in a cup
3. Having to lay on the table and hike my legs up
4. Having yet another something prodding around my vajayjay
5. Someone at the office forgetting that I'm not pregnant anymore, much like the time the receptionist at the vet insisted that we needed to buy heartworm medication for the dog we had just had put to sleep there the week before.
6. Having a panic attack in the bathroom while peeing in a cup and just curling up on the floor
7. The news I'll get. Too soon. Not healed. Didn't get it all. Poked a hole in your uterus.

But the big prize goes to:

8. Crying through the whole thing. Crying in the waiting room. Crying in the bathroom. Crying on the table. Crying during the exam. Crying at the receptionist's counter. Crying over the news.

I don't want all the pregnant women seeing me cry again. They know what it means. I'm not ashamed, but I also am not the type to show my business to everyone. Excepting the incredibly public blog for all of internet land to see.

My friend Bach used the phrase "circled the wagons" around herself yesterday. That's what I feel like I'm missing. Each day that goes by back in this real life, I feel less and less protected, and I'm not ready for that yet. It was better when Guy was with me, or at least nearby. And now, he has focused all of his thoughts and energy into this job search. Granted, I'm glad that he is so intent in finding something awesome to do next; I'm just being selfish. I can't seem to circle my own wagons, and I'm feeling a little naked out there.

It takes a lot of energy to teach one-on-one, and with competition season coming up really soon, each student needs 100% of my attention and energy. One poor girl had to play the same 16 measures of her Rachmaninoff about 8 times - not because of anything she was doing wrong - but because my mind kept wandering and I couldn't remember what I was listening for in the first place.

At the end of the day yesterday, I just felt spent. Done. Tired, sad, and used up. I'd like to feel different now. This is the first time in my life that I don't have some kind of control over how I feel and it sucks. I always thought that you could choose how to feel. Like, I'm deciding to be happy today even though this one particular area of my life reeks with badness. La la la.

Well today, I'm deciding to get through it. I can't decide how I'm going to feel, but I can decide to go ahead, do what I have to do, and feel whatever about it. That's about all I can commit to at this point.