Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Not so happy

Guy said to me yesterday, "I don't know what it is, but you are missing something."

Maybe it is him. Maybe it is his company.

We are grateful for his new job, a job that he really likes and hopefully will become permanent. He is good at it, he likes the people there, and it is a challenge. Guy loves a challenge. He likes to think about his projects almost all the time so that when he sits down to actually produce the work, it just flows.

I get that. It is the same way I used to write grants. Entire grants would be laid out in my head so that when I finally sat down to type them, it would just appear on the page. People thought I was the fastest grant writer in the west, pow pow, but really, I had been working on it for weeks without writing anything down.

Guy leaves early because of the traffic and comes home late because I teach until 7:00 anyway. We spend our evenings together. I like that. A lot.

But I'm lonely. My friends are scattered and busy. I don't connect well with my neighbors even though they are very nice people. My yoga class is the only guaranteed time that I will interact with a group of women during the week, and that's not really that interactive.

Maybe I might be a bit jealous too. Jealous of Guy's job and the grown up things he does all day long. I know that he needs me to be here, running the house, performing, and teaching. And I would do anything for him. But I think I really miss my non-profit work sometimes.

Maybe I just miss the drive. I have a lot of drive, and there really isn't anything I can focus it on in a house where nothing is finished. This week, I have focused it on blueberry muffins. Lots of blueberry muffins. With different recipes. The freezer is overflowing with blueberry muffins.

Maybe that's why I like it here so much lately. There is a little community. A comment or two. The occasional email catching up or just saying hi. I get to be with people. Not feel quite so lonely.

Sort of.

I don't know what I'm missing I guess. Could be anything.


It could be nothing at all.