Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Little shards of truth

I know. I'm supposed to be on break, visiting with my folks. And I am, but they need some quiet time, and so do I. Every once in awhile of course. So far it has been great having them here, and I think Daddy is doing really well. I am quite surprised actually. Pleasantly surprised.

He can't remember Lovely's name, and called her, "The little girl who lives here sometimes," which made me cry. But he can't help it, and it's not personal. I just continue to remind him, and Momma makes up for it by gushing about how wonderful she is. Which is true, so it's easy.

There is something on my mind though. Something that I need to flesh out, and I might as well try to do it here. I don't really want to go back to therapy right now if I can help it.

Guy wants to know why I think the hospital is the enemy. Why I feel like I will be fighting them tooth and nail to get the birth that I want for Little Bird to have. And while I'm not even convinced that I do feel that way, it is an interesting question.

I know that I want to be comfortable at the hospital. Comfortable as in relaxed and confident that I am being listened to and have first say in what is going on as long as things are moving along safely. I don't want to feel as though I'm being treated like someone who is sick or incapable of taking care of themselves. I want to feel strong, and I want to feel prepared.

So maybe I do feel that way. Maybe I do feel like I won't have much of a say and like everything is happening "to me" instead of "with me."

Little shards of truth still lay under my skin I guess. Things I haven't said aloud. Things I don't want to think about anymore. Laying under my skin and growing scars around them that are ugly and infected.

1. I had never been in the hospital before my D&C.

2. The last thing I said to anyone before they put me under was, "I don't care if he's dead. I don't want you to take my baby."

So there. It is really not a mystery. Just some things in my head I haven't learned to live with yet. Things that I didn't even know might be an answer when Guy asked the question the other day.

They probably have a lot to do with an answer. I know it's not the same. I know the two experiences are not related. I know all the logical answers.

Funny how none of that matters when you let your fears guide you.

18 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart. When I say them out loud, the fears often loose thier power. I hope the same for you.

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  2. Oh, honey. Who could blame you for that level of apprehension about hospitals, even if there's no medical professional to blame for what happened?

    But do try to remember that often a birth plan has to be scrapped on a dime. It happened twice with me. And there was really no use being sad about it (though I was, for a time). Ben and Jack ended up healthy, even if they had to be brought into the world via emergent C-section.

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  3. Fear, my dear is completely irrational. Im sorry you are scared. I hope and pray that your birth experience is wonderful and that they listen to you.

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  4. Glad that you're enjoying your visit with your parents. You'll always look back and love this time that you have with them. When you were their daughter, before you had your boy.
    As for the birth, have you looked into working with a doula? Someone who will really be an advocate for you and Guy in making your birth experience as close to your idea as possible? Many doulas charge on a sliding scale. Just a thought. I sure wish I'd had one!

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  5. My heart aches for you, babe. I hope you find the peace you seek, and the confidence that will see you through the birth.

    Repeat after me ... healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama ... Healthy baby, happy mama ....

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  6. I hated the hospital. I watched my dad bleed out in an ER cubicle just four months before I had to go under the knife myself, to birth the girl.

    But once I got there, it was OK. Because it was a different experience, it was joyful and hopeful and yes, a little bittersweet without my father.

    But it was not the same as that terrible day with all the tears and the blood and the loss.

    I am confident you will get through it, because you will be joyful that fateful day.

    Best to you. Enjoy your folks.

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  7. you know, a lot of women have gradations of post-traumatic stress reactions to D&Cs and birth and other situations where their bodies and selves are made vulnerable in a medical environment, in part because of the profundity of the experience and in part because of the way it's sometimes handled or the way that things sometimes get out of the control of the person to whom it is happening. it's normal, particularly if there's been a previous negative experience, or if there's a need for emergency interventions. and a healthy baby is the goal, but there's no need for you to be scarred - or scared - along the way, seriously.

    it might be worthwhile actually taking a serious look at your grief at the time of the D&C and how that whole experience impacted you, physically and emotionally, and trying to consciously disconnect it from the hospital and from the birth ahead with Little Bird. because the two won't be the same, as many have said. but you may need and want to do some work to make sure that you're in a different place yourself, by the time you get there.

    by which i mean to say, what you feel - the shards - is not wrong. it's a wound. and wounds deserve a little kindness, a little healing.

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  8. Just because you know all the logical answers doesn't mean it has to make sense. You are certainly entitled to you thoughts & fears!!!

    I know in my heart all will go well and in the end you will both be blessed beyond measure :)

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  9. My heart goes out to you! I agree with Kami, when I say the things that frighten me the most, the fear often lessens. I too, hope the very same and more for you!

    thoughts and prayers with you

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  10. Canape, I agree with Bon's comment, that perhaps it's worth doing a little work (even if it's therapy) to help heal these sharp shards. It seems perfectly reasonable (even if not rational) for you to feel this way.

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  11. I don't necessarily think it's bad to be prepared to have to fight for what you want and then (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised by the experience.

    I second the idea that it's good to have an advocate there for you so you don't have to do it yourself. Especially if you have very understandable fears about it. Plus then if things have to change, s/he can help you understand that's it's okay, without it having to be orders from the doctors and nurses.

    And no matter what, and no matter how he is born, the end result will be that you will have a happy, healthy baby--and that's truly the important thing.

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  12. Sadly, I am not sure he'll ever get but luckily, he's that kind of wonderful guy that will support you no matter what.

    I've sad this before and I will say it again. You're human, and wonderful and caring and suppose to be scared of something like. It's life changing.

    Not that you'd want me, but I wish I could be there. If only to advocate from the hallway.

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  13. So, now that you have said this out 'loud' let's hope it will leave you alone and allow to to enjoy this time in your life...

    I'm thinking of you.

    You are not different for being afraid. Just better for admitting what bothers you...

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  14. Fear is so irrational. I would feel the same way given that history Canape.

    We all base our future on our history. But I have learned that things are rarely what you think they will be the second time around. If that even makes sense.

    P.S. Your Mom rocks.

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  15. Ouch.

    This post hurt. I wish you a better experience, one that can help ease the hurt of the previous one.

    Perhaps you will have a green intern like I did, one you can pick on and tease and torment.

    Good times, that is.

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  16. With my first, I was really against the whole medical birth.

    I think we women have given away a lot of our own power of the birthing process to the doctors and medical establishment. I think maybe you're really fighting that??

    It's not wrong to want to fight that. More and more women are wanting that and look at the changes in just one generation.

    I did the best I could with the current mindset of birthing and how far I was willing to go against it. I know you'll do the same too...we're always doing our best.

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  17. i know this is not related to todays post but can you tell me how I can add a Team Whymommy button to my blog?

    Thanks!
    Sara

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  18. My first hospital experience was a D&C also...

    We made a very detailed birth plan. And my husband and I made clear to each other what we felt were needed and what were ok to let go off (example, epidural, yeah, okay... episiotomy? no!)

    We decided we needed a plan to deviate from, because you ALWAYS need a plan to deviate from.

    Take the time to educate yourself about the birth process and stand up for your self. Then things couldn't be better....

    HUGS...

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