Thursday, October 18, 2007

She's so sensitive

If you prick me, do I not bleed?

If you simply look at me, do I not melt into a puddle of tears and insecurity?

If I close my eyes to sleep, do I not have terrifying nightmares?

I stare at this screen, wondering just what will come out if I allow myself to just type. Just type it all out and watch the words fall letter by letter.

And then I realize that I don't want to have to read it after I write it.

Sometimes I let it all get to me. Small things. Things out of place. Things I read in between the lines. Things that aren't the way I think they should be.

My Sil told me once that I hold people to high expectations. Make that my expectations. As in, I expect them to react the same way I would in certain situations. And then I get unjustifiably disappointed. She is right.

I think about that a lot now. When I get my feelings hurt, I think about it.

But these days, I don't think that's always the case. I think maybe I got hurt and blamed myself a little too quickly.

I find though, that I would rather just be hurt than do anything about it. Sometimes it's just easier.

And then, one morning I will wake up and wonder where exactly that friend went. When did they disappear? When exactly did it happen that I would put those memories in the trash and move on? And when exactly did I decide that it was better to just stay quiet, let someone hurt me, and cast my eyes downward until the tears won't slip out unexpected anymore?

People think I'm strong.

Those are the people who would be wrong.

21 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, babe.

    Being sensitive can be such a pain in the a*s.

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  2. I heart you.

    And I will always be your friend.

    Who loves your cooking. Cupcake fiasco or no. :-) (I'm with Lovely -- I bet they were delicious!)

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  3. ((((HUGS))) Even the strongest people have weak spots.. it's what makes them human. You are a wonderful, beautiful person... sensitivities and all.

    ...we ALL hold people to our expectations. We get angry because someone hasnt met the expectation we had (thats what anger is). We just all have different expectations.

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  4. I've noticed we are all a little sensitive lately. Maybe it's the shift in weather, in our hormones, in the fact that our lives are about to change. Who knows.
    (((Hugs)))

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  5. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Being sensitive like that can be the pits.

    On the other hand, it does enable us sensitive types to feel the good things more deeply. :-)

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  6. Oh Sweetie. You are hurting. I'm sorry.

    I'm here with my very easy listening ears...always.

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  7. Oh Sweets...I know how you feel...truly, I do. I used to get pissed when someone would say how sensitive I am. And eventually, I've begun the retort that maybe it's them that are INsensitive.

    In any case, a book that REALLY helped me (and still does) is The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. Have you heard of it? Very simple concepts, but to actually apply it to our lives is the hard part. And one of the agreements is to "Not take anything personally...ANYTHING...ever". I know that it's hard to grasp and even harder to apply. But, trust me...when you can and do, it's the most liberating thing...

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  8. Interesting post. I see a lot of myself in it. Mr. PunditMom is continually getting after me, saying I am too sensitive, take things too personally, expect too much of people. Maybe if I expected less of myself, it would be easier??

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  9. When you hurt, I hurt. I'm glad we'll be there soon so I can just hug you. Your hugs always help me.

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  10. I'm sorry you're hurting.

    I see a lot of myself in this post, too, like punditmom. I bet there are a lot of women who can.

    Sometimes it is those of us who seem the strongest that need the most.

    {{{{Hugs}}}}

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  11. Yikes, sweetie! I'm sorry for what you're going through right now! I heart you and hope it all gets better. XOXO

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  12. I love (LOVE) your honesty Canape. I don't know which was more touching, your post or your Mom's reply.

    May you grow thicker skin like a snake. May I too, because I'm just as sensitive. :(

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  13. I hope you're ok... I'll be thinking of you.

    FWIW, I agree with your PP Kevin. The Four Agreements is an invaluable book. It's almost like a bible in some ways... The lessons learned are amazing.

    :) Hugs

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  14. This post makes me adore you all the more lady.

    You are a gentle, sweet soul. That's a wonderful, beautiful thing.

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  15. Your words are almost the same words that have been tumbling around in my head for so long. I understand you, I sympathise but your feeling are your validation and I am proud of you for putting them in print. That is a big step towards self healing and self preservation (self preservation is not selfish...).

    I'm sending you more (((HUGS))) along with Stephs. You are strong in other ways. We all have our strengths to balance our weaknesess..

    Tina

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  16. You need a hug, that is all.

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  17. I'm like you, also. SM is right - being sensitive is a hard road. I hope you are feeling better soon, friend.

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  18. I heart this post! You're so real!

    I have high expectations as well. And I'm not as strong as the people around me give me credit for.

    I loved reading this after I just poured out my fears on a blog post. Thank you!

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  19. I'm coming to give you a real life hug soon, but until then, please accept all my virtual ones and a big "luvs you, babe" for today.

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  20. "I find though, that I would rather just be hurt than do anything about it. Sometimes it's just easier".

    Sometimes? You're doing better than me.

    Sensitive sucks, doesn't it?

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