Thursday, March 27, 2008

Two months

Yesterday Christopher turned two months old. In a way it seems like he has been here forever. In another way it seems as though I still have no idea what to do with him.

There are still days that I do nothing that doesn't involve him. Nurse him. Change him. Hold him. Stare at him while he sleeps. The miraculousness of it all has certainly not worn off yet.

Then there are days that I relish in the time the nanny is here. If I'm not teaching while she is here, it becomes a delightful challenge to see just how much I can get done in the moments that she is looking after Bird. Dinner is down to a science, and loading the dishwasher takes all of about 45 seconds now. It's a game.

At his two month checkup yesterday, the PA said he was gaining weight just beautifully. He's growing just fine she said. She also said that she didn't think I needed to be using formula. She thinks I need to cut the dairy out to help his gas, and that way, he will be able to stay at the breast long enough to get full without thrashing about and mutilating my nipples.

I cannot describe to you how much dairy I eat. Cheese and I are best friends, as is the big glass of milk I drink before dinner every night.

However, I chose this PA because she is also a lactation consultant, and I'm choosing to listen to her. Besides, I really should cut out the ice cream and it certainly won't hurt my waistline to cut the cheese and milk.

We went ahead and got his two month vaccinations on schedule. With the traveling we expect to be doing for Guy's job, it is important that Christopher be vaccinated on schedule.

I knew that I would cry when they gave him his shots. I just didn't know I would cry before they gave him his shots.

The needles were so big, and he was so happy before she stuck his little leg with them. He was having a great time kickypantsing on the table, making the paper rattle. His eyes were wide and he was all grins.

Then she stuck him.

He looked stunned. Then she stuck him again. He looked up into my eyes, turned purple, jutted out his bottom lip, and began to scream.

I was already crying by then, so when the nurse was done, Bird and I just held onto each other and cried.

Yesterday and today he has had a low grade fever, tons of gas, and been generally feeling miserable. Somehow he still manages to smile at me some. I can tell he feels badly, but he still is cracking a grin or two every now and then. Tonight, he gave his Papa big full face grins for the first time. You could see a little puddle on the floor where Papa's heart had just melted.

Two months and it's all starting to feel real finally. I don't feel like I'm just getting through minute by minute or hour by hour anymore. This feels like my life. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. What I mean is that at the beginning, it felt like I was just going through the motions, trying to make it from one moment to the next. Now, though, it feels more a little more comfortable. More normal.

I have a hard time remembering life without Guy and Christopher. I know it happened. I know there was another life before then. Another marriage. Another possible ending. That otherness is what doesn't feel real anymore.

I was made to be Bird's mom and Guy's wife. I think I've known that for longer than two months, but these past two months have certainly solidified it for me.