Thursday, March 22, 2007

And so it is

I'm so not pregnant. This is the second month of negatives. I do not know how people survive infertility. There are some amazingly strong women out there. I mean, I'm whining about two months. I almost feel guilty, but then I remind myself that it is my own sadness to feel.

This dividing my life up into cycles and weeks is not great for my mental well being. Tomorrow, my period will start, that is if it doesn't come a day early. This means that I have a week of being normal. The next week starts the anticipation of ovulation. Where are we going to be? When can we have sex? When should that glass of wine be the last glass of wine? Then comes the two week wait. God I hate the two week wait.

This month, I busied myself by peeing on sticks. A lot of sticks. And while I thought it would be something to keep me occupied, another tangible think I could do, it hasn't helped at all. Starting each day with disappointment is no way to live. I've tried that in the past and took drastic measures to stop it.

New rules.

1. I will continue to chart because if we get don't hit it this next month, I'm going in and getting some answers. I'm not getting any younger here, people. Four months of charts and three months of actively trying ought to get a 34 year old woman some help.

2. There will be no pregnancy tests until after the first day of my period is missed. Period.

3. I will not use my chart as a seduction tool with Guy.

I believe with all my heart that it will happen. I see the nursery in the new coat of Lemon Chiffon that Guy and I gave it this past weekend, but more importantly than that, I see a baby in that nursery. I see a stroller in front of me everyday when I walk. I see a carseat in the Jeep. I see us having a baby together.

Then, on a bad day (which I haven't decided whether this is one or not), I remember that I also believed with all my heart that Cleatus was just fine. Like completely and with an unwavering spirit. Like to the point where the doctor actually said, "You know, you are holding up really well. Most women are a complete wreck when they come in for bleeding." I was holding up because I believed it was all fine and I was just there for them to fix the bleeding. That is what I told him a mere 5 minutes before the ultrasound.

I will try for a good day. Getting a negative just means we try again. I have one more shot at having a baby while I'm still 34. It would be nice to have the first one not automatically be labeled high-risk. There's going to be enough anxiety already.

I am trying for a good day. I can be sad and still have a good day. I hope.