Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Butterfly Baby

It's been several days since I have been very positive. About motherhood and pregnancy in particular. It's been several sort of down in the blues days. My homework this week from my therapist was this:

When I start thinking those black thoughts, think of 3 things I am grateful for and how they make me feel.

I could only think of two. She didn't take points off, but of course then I started worrying about how I could only think of two things for which I'm really grateful, and one of them I just kind of said because I was really going to feel bad if I had only thought of one.

I am happy to report that I now have my third thing.

There is a blog I found through Babes in Blogland called Twisted Ovaries. The first post I read was The News. It was such a perfect post. She and her husband, after battles upon battles with infertility, have found out some news. I'm not telling it here, because you really have to read her words.

Today, I checked in on her while I was waiting for a student. There is fear, uncertainty, and nerves in the writing that makes you feel like you are sitting right there with her.

And then, at the end of her post, I stopped myself from crying, and I realized that I have my third thing.

I am grateful that I saw my baby's heartbeat.

To steal from this writer, I imagine if I put the heartbeat up to my face, it would feel like butterfly wings.

Whatever fear I have of getting pregnant again, or not getting pregnant again and whatever black thoughts I might continue to have - I have my three things now. The third one being those butterfly wings.

She has turned off comments for now, and understandably so. If for some reason though, she ever stops by and finds this, I want her to know that I think that post was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.