How I really am

I debated about posting this, but since I haven't left out anything thus far, here goes nothing.

Last night I think I lost my mind. Whymommy and Sil have been telling me about the hormones and the havoc they will be causing in my life, and last night I believe I met them. Fought them. And lost.

Sometime around 11:00, sitting at Bro's house, I freaked out. Picked up my purse and coat and walked out the door. Guy came running after me and wanted to know what was going on. I simply said, "I'm leaving." He talked me into waiting for him and then we left together.

I tried to just go to bed, but I had drunk a ton of water and ended up having to get up to go to the bathroom about 30 minutes after I lay down. Yesterday, I had been in physical pain all day with cramping and general hurtiness that the Percoset had stopped helping. When I went to the bathroom last night, there was a lot of blood. Again. And I lost it.

I don't know how long I was on the bathroom floor, but it was long enough for the left side of my face to swell up to where my left eye would not open from the crying. I was curled up on the tile floor, sobbing, wishing that someone would hear me and come to help. Guy didn't hear me, and my momma thought I was already with him. No one came. I lay there, crying, and thinking the most irrational thoughts I have ever had.

There was the thought stream about the wallpaper. It is black and white toille, which is what I had picked out for the baby bedding in the nursery. There was the thought stream about thank you notes. How do you write thank you notes for presents you were given for a baby who is now gone?

Then there was the thought stream about how I could hurt myself. I have never had that one. I won't go into all the ideas I had because they don't really matter now, but I finally decided that I would just leave. So I picked my pathetic swollen head up off the tile, went into the bedroom, got dressed, got my purse and started for the door.

Guy woke up and by the time he realized what was happening, I was down the hall. He chased after me in his underwear and my mother watched us struggle by the door. He had to physically restrain me and drag me back to the room by my left arm which was twisted and pinned behind my back.

From there, I became someone I have never seen before and hope never to see again. I began to hit him. Swing at him. I told him I hated him. I threw things. I was a terrible, awful, mean, and insane woman. He did nothing to deserve or cause any of it.

This morning, we woke up in a new place. We were both bruised. Literally. We were both hurt. Physically and emotionally. We had both been scared.

He held me anyway. He held me and told me that it wasn't me. It wasn't me having that insane fit last night. God, I hope he is right.

The depression and anger are not things I want in my life. I am generally a happy person. I would like to be that way again. I know it has only been four days. Yesterday though, people were telling me how well I was doing. Remarkably well.

That is only me trying. I am trying so hard to be doing well. I don't know how to battle the hormones though. That has to be what it is. Sil says they will be gone soon. She says to just hang on. The thoughts of how I can hurt myself are frightening though.

Guy says they make drugs for this. I'm thinking it might be a good idea if I look into that. I would really like to make it to try this whole baby making thing again. I so loved being pregnant. I so loved that little baby.

Am I weak for needing the drugs? Do they even work?